Cold

As I write this I know the voices in my head are screaming for help. I've let this problem fester; left untreated this infectious wound has become gangrene. Now is the time to make a decision to sever it off or to die with it.

I'm not getting any input from the other side. I feel alienated from my own thoughts, my own feelings and my own needs. At the same time I want this relationship to work I realise I'm the only one clapping.

I've romantacised having someone I could hold in bed, wake up and have sex between the sheets, do silly things together, those sort of idealistic fantasy-world things. We don't do them. All I see is hurt, anger, distance and the feeling of helplessness.

There's been a breakdown in communication, we're not talking about the issues we have and I'm definitely not getting any input from his behaviour. I'm going to sit him down and try to get his side of the story later today; wish me luck.

Filter

This blog started off as neutral territory, a space where I could say everything and anything I wanted. Over the years it has gradually accumulated a small following of people many whom are real-life friends. Truth is lately I've been wanting to say a lot of things but because I know the readers I often excuse myself from touching on 'sensitive' issues. I feel I have let everybody down.

Have I not learned, growing up in pseudo-democracy, the pain of censorship?

I'm shuffling across my music selection which has remained static for 4 months. Music is a proxy for writers block? Every second sentence I write is censored. When have I ever been into Usher? Never. Pink Floyd now. I remember the last time I let Syd Barrett lose I was in the same head space.

I am ANGRY because I can't write this properly. I hate knowing that he will read this and then go, 'wait a minute, that's not accurate, take that back'.

But if I can't do it here then where else can I?

Love makes you do crazy things, insane things. Things in a million years you'd never see yourself do. But there you are doing them... can't help it.

Slack

In order to give myself a break I've decided that fatty foods, alcohol, unhealthy sleeping habits and poor nutrition must go. I've been cutting myself some slack just to cope but after a while you get addicted to those things. Note to self: content for counselling session on Wednesday!

Actually when I'm not busy sleeping I have heaps of spare time which I then waste in front of the telly in front of the lappy doing something crappy. Like Manhunting.

Daniel's away in Perth for the week so I have the whole house to myself. I'm torn; tonight its either I sleep on his bed so I can wallow in his scent, or I sleep in mine and wake up feeling lost, confused and in need of a big hug.

Come back soon? It seems strange now that you're gone.

The Horror

A whole, fucking $160.88 for a 3 course meal and some dumplings. The service was rubbish, the tea was diluted, the decor roadkill and the food was revoltingly salty. So why do people pay to eat there? Maybe they've never been overseas to see what real Asian food is like, because we Malaysians would NEVER pay for this shit.

We were informed that the san choi pau was for 4 people, but after ordering it we discovered it was actually $10.95 per serve. Problem was, this was still $2.75 more than the price in the menu but no, we didn't stand up and demand a refund. Why? Angmoh says we shouldn't. So that's like fucking off $40 for three tablespoons of rice on a leaf of lettuce.

Oh and $3 cups of tea. Each.

"Dear Herald Sun...", I see a juicy story in the making - "Chinese Restaurant Rip Off - How the Beijing Olympics got funded".

88th

Sometimes I wish ostriches would teach me the fine art of head-burial.

Daniel has decided I should go along to grandma's 88th to meet 'the rest of the family'. Very talkative and intuitive family. All of a sudden I was the ignoramus who stumbled over simple topics like politics, climate change, IP rights and botany - my own specialty.

The younger ones looked at me like I was onekind. Daniel only introduced me to a select few adults leaving the young ones presumably wondering how this Chinaboy fits into the grand scheme of things. I even considered the interesting dynamic: "technically-I'm-your-cousin-in-law"

Daniel's father took me to his shed and showed me his tools (a very gay sentence already!). A complete workshop; he makes wooden bowls and the house is cluttered with them. He quickly went into a rant about swamp paperbark; Melaleuca ericifolia - it takes 2 years of air drying with no guarantee of results. A mouldy half-finished bowl lay in the corner.

"Don't you have a kiln?" I heard myself say hastily, before realising what an ass I am.

~

Been recovering from a major sore throat. I don't usually get sick so it's unusual to spend on pharmaceuticals - especially OD'ing on Strepsils. I've lost all interest in men; the past 7 days has seen me turn down 5 gorgeous looking men of varying ages/built, all without reason. What's happening?

Shifty's ashes finally returned on the 8th (Monday) and it lives on the storage unit for now. I've made progress - I no longer bawl like I used to though I'm still haunted by flashbacks of Shifty in the cat box at Lort Smith. It seems I harp on mostly the bad things. I've been looking at his photos to fill the void and in the meantime Daniel helps by supplying hugs where Shifty left off. I still doubt the current dose will suffice.

Going to the shrink tomorrow to unload another round of crap. Do shrinks like being hugged?

Missing?

The house is quiet except for the blare of the TV; I feel something is missing.

Two empty bowls on the floor, an empty cat house in the corner, cold and unused. These things are ghostly and I'm starting to feel quite fragile... Hopefully next week his ashes will arrive back from the crematorium; it's the perfect excuse for a weekend in Wilson's Prom where we could could have sex on Mt Oberon scatter his ashes. But cats hate water, a friend pointed out. Daniel jokingly said there's no way he'd put the ashes over our doona (his favourite afternoon-nap surface).

I'm not taking this grieving process seriously. I'm joking about it then quickly changing the topic to distract myself, or finding other things to obsess about. In short I haven't identified my feelings - that's what the shrink is for. He (the shrink) seems content I can keep talking and doesn't bother interjecting me. How is that helpful? And that CCB charges for every session (damn the government doesn't pay for it). Suddenly I'm wondering why this healing process should fucking cost me more money after the vet bill fiasco; maybe the real lesson is learning how to not panic when I need to spend.

Small

Let's face it. The Olympics makes you feel small. Big buildings. Superheroes who do insane things in the name of a thing-you-hang-around-your-neck. And today with gay Australian diver Matthew Mitcham winning gold for diving, it makes me wonder if I've achieved anything spectacular?

I'm already 22 but I haven't done anything inspiring. I can't operate a drill, don't know how to dance, can't cook, can't play instruments, hopeless at sports, hopeless at writing, socially incompetent and mildly retarded; I can't seem to do anything special? I can't even remember the names of the people I meet, or of movies I've watched, or things I've read.

So I'm brain dead too :/

This is not a beat-myself-up post. I see people around me doing great things, including the olympians (which I have come to hate) and I wonder if I'm merely leaving footsteps while other people leave dents in society?

I'm confined to my room most days. I don't have many friends. Any spare time is divided between TV, daniel, Packrat, internet and sleeping. I have meaningless conversations on MSN, can't develop a social circle, don't have any spectacular achievements in uni, I don't fucking read books, have a fluctuating academic track record, am neither favoured nor hated by my peers; really, I'm just sort of mediocre...

...because I want myself to be?

While other people are making their mark in the world I'm walking along at my own pace doing absolutely fuck-all, and then people wonder why I feel insecure? I'm surrounded by greatness!

Or am I blind towards my own? I feel so small, confused and retarded that it isn't funny.

Week 3

Time is moving quite quickly. Judging from the amount of work I'm handling after only 3 weeks I'd say I'm doing pretty horribly. But no despair; I usually pick up at the end of semester when I gorge on powerbars and my brain is in hyperspace (from alcohol/drugs?).

My boss has been pressuring me to take up more work because she needs to meet her own targets. So she offloads it to me hoping I'd lap it up eagerly like I've done in the past but now I'm like mehhh. I hope she still gives me work though. The other day she called and the line got cut off as I entered the City Loop on a train; she thought I went into a fit and slammed the phone on her. Bless her, she's so cute. We're okay though.

I've started to develop a horrible back problem from hunching in front of my laptop. Work is interspaced with 3 hour sessions of Packrat, goss column reading and cruising. I'm constantly being distracted by the *ping* of a message on Manhunt because it gives me more internalised validation than my work. Most of the time it's a false alarm but occasionally I get the odd guy with a nice tight arse nice face.

I bought some Korean honey waffle cookies for Daniel and he wolfed it down in under 4 days. Next time I need to get those coconut ones instead (he hates coconut) so I can have it all to myself.

Day

I am afraid of getting old.

It's raining heavily, I'm tucked into the pile of work in front of me eating the most unhealthy snack known to man (instant noodles). It's cold but I refuse to wear warm clothes so the heater is working overtime.

At the other end, he's fast asleep in his bed oblivious to all my activities. Manhunt to keep me company because 'just looking' calms me down, how weird is that. But tonight the people are either rude wrinkly weird hairy fat, or a combination of these. I am a bitch.

And I'm afraid I will one day be like them - rude wrinkly weird hairy AND fat so it's unfortunate I'm starting the day with this mindset; in the evening it will just be me, the cat and dxniel in the comfort of our suburban apartment with the heater on full blast and cheesy TV shows blaring on the TV, tucking into cake to celebrate me

As of today I'm no longer 'just legal'.

Cheers to me.

Hotham

Had an unexpected (albeit pricey) reprieve at Hotham. Taking a wrong lift took me to a string of black runs with 60 degree slopes; I was scared so I took my skis off and sat at the edge of the slope overlooking the creek 100m below.

My mistake to down those 4 extra glasses of water. With bladder pressure building I could've pissed in my pants if they weren't rented. It was freaking scary; this slope had gnarly trees surrounding an impossibly steep path with packed snow and skiers going at 10590871908kmph past me. And I won't even PRETEND that I'm novice.

It wasn't cold enough so I started getting moist under the layers. You know how you sweat and plastic sticks to your skin? Well that. Whoever thought making it waterproof INSIDE OUT was a brilliant idea needs to get his/her head bashed against a wall. So I start stripping down to my tank top (seriously it wasn't THAT cold), attracting the curious onlookers who sneer at me. Bloody hospitality.

While I'm busy thinking of an escape plan it starts snowing. Gorgeous. But I quickly discover that snow actually makes you WET. So putting on my Parka I reseal the moisture in, this time COLD moisture fuckk so I'm left doubly uncomfortable, scared like a chook and in desperate need of a piss...

So running out of options I cling onto my skis and slide down the full length of the slope on my fat butt. One of those rare occasions when I'm glad I'm slightly fat.

~

Seriously how do angmohs go about being filthy? Genetic or learned behaviour? Our lodge had a dishwasher but these people, obviously crippled by their whiteness, had no intention of scrubbing their plates and utensils BEFORE putting them into the machine. And coincidentally I was in charge of *dishes* for the day. What joy. Scraping day-old minced beef and pulverised I-do-not-know-what from forks/spoons/plates is a GREAT way to end an already terrifying day at the snowfields.

I'm not even going to mention what I saw on the floor after that. Kinda makes me wonder if all that money spent was actually worth it?

More skiing tomorrow. I will be careful to read signs this time.

OCD

And I do it again.

I'm constantly computing the logistics in my head. Step 1. Step 2. Step 3. Backup plan in case of an emergency. Price. Discounts. Figures. Numbers. Letters. I'm making this holiday into one big mathematical equation.

Because I'm scared of just doing as-is. In 12hrs I will be boarding a plane. That itself is a scary thought. Dxnixl hasn't even packed. He'll do it tomorrow.

Which is perhaps something I can never do. I said to him I will do all the booking, worrying and suffering because it's *my* country and I should know better. So I've done it. Down to getting spare Ringgit so we're not stranded in a worst case scenario (whatever that may be). But it's slowly becoming apparent that I simply enjoy being obsessive compulsive, and this whole trip is just one big excuse to get worked up.

Apparently, stress turns me on. Big time.

Switch

My computer is giving me the shits. Everytime I come up with a thought, the screen goes dead black. This is the fifth time I'm typing this out, and if it crashes again so be it I'm off to bed. Time to think about splurging on a Powerbook.

Same old shit. Arguing a lot more now; we get into each other's head space and there's no way out other than our respective rooms. He sees himself 'fathering' me, I see myself 'expecting it'. Within two months of intense work/play/study we've become father-and-son. What a FANTASTIC thought, don't you think. But at least we can still talk (major plus point).

This time I'm the emotional vampire. Note to self: book in for an appointment to see a counselor. I need to get it out of my system fast before he packs up and leaves.

Which is a real worry. I've seen people leave me; mom dad brother relatives friends pseudo-friends. Every time it happens I go into a panic attack trying to salvage what's left of it, making it worse because I fuck that up too. And then they truly and wholly take a one-way-ticket-out-of-my-life, I go into depression, burn through my MSN list and finally go out like a flame.

It took me 2 years to get over Chris, my first ever major meltdown. What I find difficult is not the "being single" part (which I love) but the act of someone leaving. Back then it constituted huge bouts of unprotected sex, alcohol abuse, midnight excursions to secluded spots, and an ocean of tears. Climbing up again was difficult and it took many failed attempts of self-harm to finally say, "I'm going to sit in a corner and milk the unhappiness out until there's none left."

I'm generally a happy person these days, a far cry from the vampire I used to be. But every now and then I slip; I go back to being Mr Hyde in short doses and just like the story I'm losing control over the frequency of those slips. If I don't act quickly to remedy it then all may be lost.

Downtime

I'm sulky.

Spiralling quickly into depression.

That's all.

Apple Again

Steve Jobs announces the newest 3G iPhone (8GB and 16GB), with Vodafone, Optus and Telstra already confirming they will stock the phone in Australia. The news comes as loyal fans express their anger over the huge drop in prices, a huge US$400 difference from just over a year ago. Apple has also done a total back flip, deciding to release the phone in 3G, previously citing battery life concerns for its omission from earlier models.

Wait a minute. Sound familiar? Remember the beating that Apple shares took when just 2 months after releasing the iPhone they decided to drop the price by 30%? The best explanation Steve Jobs could come up with was that "that's technology". Whilst I accept that price reductions are inevitable, these shock reductions could also be drastic measures to increase sales - not hallmarks of a SUCCESSFUL BRAND. Apple did not expect people to snub their $599 creation; after all they tried to ride on the success of other products completely forgetting that the handset market is already saturated with cheaper, technologically more advance no-strings-attached options. The only thing they had going for them was LOOKS since everything else about the iPhone had already been tried, tested and reinvented to death (by Nokia, for instance). They also ended up scrapping the 4GB model because it was unpopular... don't tell me they didn't know that was coming. Seriously.

I admit I almost jumped the boat but looking back now thank god I'm not GENERIC. This is certainly not the Apple I grew up with - I guess once you go mainstream everything is compromised. Think Smashing Pumpkins, Coldplay and Silverchair. A quick check on eBay and the 2G phones are still selling for over AU$700. These "early-birds" never learn.

Insatiable

Yeah, cam-whore.

Even though I'm not eating/sleeping well, I still manage quite a few wanks of pornographic proportions; for my age that is seriously normal.

I hate that S word "study" and all its abbreviations. I'm starting to get the hang of sleeping at 4am and waking at 10am which is terribly irresponsible but nothing unusual. Dxnixl on the other hand is really working hard. Past week he did a conference in Sydney, random meetings and a newsletter which is someone else's work. I see myself demanding more quality time because he's always going to bed at like, 9pm and I'm always asleep when he leaves the house. We've become so out-of-sync it's not funny.

Work is a useful escape for me. I'm currently translating texts about ancient Persia and Israel which is really cool but it means staring into a computer for hours, staying away from sunshine and having little more than instant noodles for meals. Thinking about the money is enough to keep me going but distractions are distractions and I'm running out of excuses to stay away from my books.

Absence

So frankly the house is quiet now that dxnixl is in Sydney. Well Wollongong to be exact. But who cares. 4 days to myself I think its healthy that way. We're learning to live away from each other in short doses.

Which is a good thing cause fuck I haven't been able to eat red onions. He's allergic, I'm obsessed - our compromise is fuck the bugger and use browns instead. So today after 2 years of abstinence I buy 7 red onions and cook myself a hearty pot of red onion stew.

Like seriously. It's gorgeous.

Two tests on Wednesday (what's new) so I'm avoiding my books for the time being. Spent the whole day washing a pillow (you won't believe what else I get up to when I feel domestic). Yes I said pillow. Took 2 hrs to squeeze the water out and mind you it wasn't pretty - yeah it was HIS sweat (emphasis on HIS); well at least now it smells better and I can actually picture myself sleeping on it. Label says "a few days to dry", but I reckon it will take a week. Thank God it's latex.

To save myself from a soppy night in bed I opt to watch Desperate Housewives (usually I let him monopolize the TV). Different characters, same old bullshit. That's what you get when you trust a gay man to write a script about married life. Which begs the question, are we gays really that out of touch with reality?

New phone from Nokia gives me the creeps. It's half as thin as my current gargantuan, and twice as sparkly. Even then I'm still thinking about the iPhone cause I really am a show-off.

Tonight I will get to sleep in the big bed (yay) all by myself, a troublesome thought if you think about it, the way I'm dealing with his absence. Then again the silence is a huge opportunity for me to reset, rewind and take some time off for myself, time otherwise spent worrying on his behalf.

Twitch

Managing just fine without alcohol or ranty episodes on the sidewalk with a stubby in one hand and a ciggy in the other. Eyes twitchy. Is it true you blink less when you stare at the computer screen?

Catching up on iLectures is a pain. Yeah so why do I miss the lectures in the first place. I love being able to pause rewind pause rewind at will but telling myself to get it started needs motivation, of which I have none. Interesting to listen to my own recorded presentation. I sound so different and "manly", even as I stumble across three different methods of speaking; neutral, Manglish and Ocker.

Facebook to kill time. My biggest sin is Packrat. Gorgeous artwork and anything that brings out kiasu in me is addictive. But now I'm becoming bipolar = new editions released: Happy. No new cards: Bored. New cards: Happy. Insomnia, red eyes, back aches, 6am sleeps and an irregular diet are some of the well-known side effects.

Facebook is also a good way to find out that some random (Malaysian) on MSN knows a person who knows a person who knows you after you've stayed at his place for a few nights and accepted "gifts". I mean money lah. Which is interesting because I always forget how tiny the KL gay community is, and how its just one bitch after another in a sea of familiar faces - you the reader in KL/PJ would probably know me in person. Yes I was that popular and "out-there".

Random goes on to say he'd date me if I wasn't already dated because I fall in his "top 5 percentile". Whatever that means. Why are Malaysians obsessed with getting partners? Their sole purpose of existence fits a breeder's perspective on life; singularity is challenging to them. There's no "enjoy life", only "depression" because everything revolves around he-wants-me-he-wants-me-not.

Drift

Long week and weekend. As usual, the mountain of assignments make me hurl. Alternating between diminishing sleep cycles and increasing weightlifting intensity, I've reduced neuronal capacity to absorb information in lectures.

Midsemester test. Presentation. 3000 word essays. I whine, and people around me are reaching their tolerance limits.

"you are an abyss", a friend says, in response to our conversation on MSN. Apparently I have many corners and "unfathomable depths"; or perhaps I'm mixing with the wrong crowd of people? Because lately I've had to revisit my position on the types of people I choose to pursue.

Emotional vampire(s). I feel I have no space to feel happy in conversations with a certain few. Trivial matters can seem big when you have anxiety, yet at such extents you feel the need to prescribe Valium. How do you say "I can't deal with this" to someone who is emotionally fragile? Sometimes you can't, though most times I wish I did.

Slacking is universal. I'm doing it because I can. And neglecting the work that I have is a protest to the institutions that force me to read 102856718756 journals "for the sake of the exam".

Who are my best friends? They are the ones who remain on my MSN list and take the bucketloads of shit I give them, hand back clumps of turd onto my face saying "fuck off bitch, deal with your issues", then come back later to see how I'm doing. I need roughening up, not, "everything will be ok", because I know it's not and won't be; I need people to tell me that I should just deal with it and SHUT UP.

Because I'm like this: I can't shut up.

Back to essay writing - I've promised myself another 400 words tonight.

Biochemistry?

Yeah and I thought I was going to party again this weekend...

I'm finally feeling the weight of work ahead of me. I'm reading through all these cryptic journal papers - written in scientific language that few others can comprehend, full with abbreviations and diagrams that completely make no sense to an undergraduate (like myself).

And these essays that I have to write! "What is the function of the KDEL receptor? - in 1000 words or less"

"cis-maturation model of the Golgi cisternae"

"role of leptin and SocS3 inhibition in metabolic intake"

"signalling mechanism by which PDGF induces membrane protrusions in mouse embryo fibroblasts"

"molecular mechanisms involved in determining asymmetric cell division during embryogenesis"

FUCKED IF I KNEW, YOU DIPSTICK.

~

I have been sleeping in classes. Going to uni is a chore so i do it for the sake of. Like eating chocolate. For the sake of. Coffee can only keep me awake for the first 25minutes. I can't concentrate. I don't care. Burnout. For fucks sake.

Recorded iLecture? What the hell is she saying. I can't even link her babble with the lecture slides in front of me (probably due to the fact it's 3am, I'm cranky and it's cold outside?). I keep rewinding at the same sentence "it takes a while to understand Grb2 pathways...". I might need more than a while, you bitch.

Partying more and more as a means of avoidance. Bad signs?? Dxnixl won't understand and can't help. Seems that alcohol/drugs are (slowly) becoming the answers to all my worries.

Phone was offline today in Melbourne Central; Three was doing it again with their idiotic network. Reception has been choppy in the past two weeks but I haven't done anything about it... Dxnixl couldn't contact me so today he threw a fit and I deserved it. Like, yeah, I need to get my shit sorted out. But how. And when.

Workout at the gym seems to be the only thing going smoothly. Previously I've been telling myself to keep away from "muscle enhancers", but now I'm more willing to give it a go. Not any steroids or shit like that - more like super protein shakes that make you tremble if your energy expenditure does not match calorie intake. Yeah, I know this shit - it's called the MC4R induced thermogenesis.

And my fingers are struggling to keep up with the typing. I'm so tired but I can't sleep until I finish reading about JAK2 receptors. If I don't then I won't sleep because I'll worry myself to death about not doing enough.

Not that I'm doing much anyway.

Recovery

"The Vines - Autumn Shade" is trippy.

It hurts. I'm grabbing my pillow, hiding under the sheets hoping it will all go away. Two glasses of water later and I feel like throwing up.

What friends? The numbers on my mobile have all been contacted within the past 24 hours. I don't know enough people?

Red fingers. I've been typing on MSN for the past 4 hours. I can't give a rat's ass about the rings around my eyes. I want company.

In between alcohol and vitamin sessions I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with the comedowns. I peak a massive amount so the recovery is abrupt and hard.

Today has been an emotional roller coaster. Up and down and then up again - I hate it how there's this 24hr lag before I start to feel numb. Axvxn says deal with it, and I know I should; not sure if I know how. Two days of intense partying have drained me.