/*banner of the blog inserted here*/
Sorrento

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Melbourne

I handed in my acceptance of offer form to University of Melbourne! I am finally going there!

My IDP counselor says that the eCOE (electronic confirmation of enrolment) should arrive from the university in about a week's time so I should be able to process my visa. But the thing is that I will be in Singapore, and not returning until around Christmas so I will have to delay. Only drawback to this is that I may have to wait longer as December is the peak season where most students and holidaymakers process visas to visit Australia or to study there.

My scholarship awarding body has contacted me and the lady asked me which day I would like to go to Melbourne. I didn't know that we were allowed to choose a date! Then I found out that there is another guy who is also going to Melbourne under the same scholarship awarding body, and I chose to go with him

I managed to get his contacts from the lady and sent him text messages to get to know him. Soon after I was already on his MSN list and we were discussing plans to rent the same house! Gosh... I feel he has been God-sent! He's doing all the arrangement and he will get back to me... so, we are both going on the same flight, probably staying together and sharing food expenses!

I'm so thrilled... I can't wait to go..

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Busy week

Thursday (24th Nov) was my last working day, and now I am officially free! It just so happened that Thursday was also the date on which the university I was working with debited my salary into my account! So I'm now richer as well!

My professor took me and the other students in the same lab as I to a Chinese restaurant as a farewell lunch. The food was really good. We had squid, tofu, soup, a vegetable and chicken which was served with cute little balls of watermelon. Yum yum.

It was a good day, really. At night I went over to my relative’s house and had a dinner as well, together with my relatives who came down from Seremban. I've never eaten so much good food for so long!

Today I went to my college to return my Student ID as well as to claim back my security deposit. Since my A-Level certificate was ready for collection as well, I decided I should collect it but the stupid system said that I owed the college more money, RM1998 for tuition fees and RM12 for insurance to be exact!

I was a bit angry because I was there under a scholarship and now they said that I owed them money?? They said that they wouldn't release my results until I paid up the amount. I demanded to see the scholarship officer and she came to my aid. Fortunately it was only a technical glitch and I just had to pay the RM12 insurance fee which I knew I was liable for.

I got my certificate but it looks so ugly. It's yellow with many circles and geometric patterns on it, with my results printed out on the piece of paper and a small tiny hologram on the bottom left bearing the words "Edexcel"

So in other words, we paid thousands and thousands of Ringgit to get such an UGLY and simple certificate. It didn't look grand at all, more like some cheap printout.

Then I went to the EPF building to collect my PIN! My i-Account is finally up and now I can check my balances online! But again, to my frustration I found that my EPF account is empty. I worked four months and the EPF money that was deducted from my salary has yet to be debited into my account. If they money doesn't get in soon, I will be very pissed.

My previous employer had also owed me money so I went all the way to Cheras, where the HQ is located, to collect the cheque. So I'm doubly rich now! I've saved up enough to buy a digital camera

Speaking of which, my aunt in Singapore has informed me that the digital camera that I am looking for is priced at S$629. I want to buy the Canon A610 digital camera so that I can start snapping pictures when I go off to Australia! If I buy it from Courts, they will give me free gifts like a Digital DECT phone (no idea what that is), a card reader, a tripod and carry case, 256MB memory card and rechargeable batteries. Apparently the stock is not readily available and so I would have to preorder if I wanted to get it. Best Denki was selling it at the same price, only with less freebies.

She was kind enough to convert it into Ringgit for me as well. If her calculations were correct (and they are, because I just checked it using my own calculator), the camera is worth RM1404.24, and I assume that is plus GST.

In LowYat the same camera is going at RM1299, which is RM105.24 cheaper than the one in Singapore. AND, it is readily available too!

I really thank her for helping me find out so much information. I have decided to buy the camera at PC fair instead, which will be this coming Friday (2nd December 2005). I would probably get a lot of freebies too.

Really can't wait to get my own digital camera!!!!

Next, I will need to buy a laptop. Anyone kind enough to sponsor me some cash? Hehe

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Can't get enough of it

My profile has been taken down from the featured-profile column, as they do with all other profiles within 24 hours. They rotate the profiles featured there so as to give other people a chance to be in the limelight

But even after my profile has been taken down, I still received about 40 mails.

This morning I opened my account to a full pointbox. After replying points and emptying my pointbox, it was full again in the afternoon. So was my mailbox.... full with emails

There are currently 30 people asking me to add them to my friend's list.

I don't know if I'll ever get enough of this attention. I'm enjoying every second of it! Not to mention, meeting some very cute people....

Bring it on!

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Axcest

I was online on MSN and my friend told me to check the Axcest main page... and as I was browsing through wondering what he wanted me to see, I saw my picture in the Featured Profiles column!

And this morning I checked my account again, wow.. the number of mails and points and buddy requests... jumped like crazy

Wow...

I'm having a terrific weekend!

Friday, November 18, 2005

Harry Potter

I watched Harry Potter on the day of its release in Malaysia!!!

My friend had actually helped me to book tikets in MV and we went there for the show.

According to him, he says that he had trouble finding the tickets in other cinemas. Apparently they have all been sold out with MV being the exception. Probably this is because MV charges RM1.00 more for the ticket compared to other cinemas. Wow these people are real opportunists!

Anyway, MV was bloody crowded for a Thursday night. There were tons of people all around the cinema, and I understand that there were several cinemas showing Harry Potter at the same time. I know that there were about 5 cinemas screening simultaneously.

Getting a carpark was difficult enough, but luckily since we booked the tickets online we didn't really have to queue.

Then we had dinner at Nandos. Delicious chicken!

The movie was quite good. I think the special effects this time were just marvelous compared to Prizoner of Azkaban. But the plot was rather monotonous though, just like the previous three Harry Potter movies. I think the most disgusting I found was that the Potter had "grown" long hair! And so did Weasely!

Yucks. The actors look so ugly. Daniel especially. Looks so damn gay.

As expected, the movie left out many parts from the original book. They only barely mentioned the Quidditch World Cup when it was a whole chapter on its own in the book. What a disappointment.

And Dumbledore seems too active. I liked the former actor for Dumbeldore; he was gracefully old. This one seems like he's taken Viagara or something haha

We got to see Daniel Radcliffe naked!!!!! Ok not full nudity but topless... the scene where he was in the bathroom with Myrtle together with the golden egg.... He's grown some hair in "those" spaces. Hmm. When the scene came up the people in the cimena were like "aaahhh" and "ooooh"ing all around... LOL

Overall not too bad a rendition, but they should have explained what Priori Incantatum meant (because my friend who had not read the book was a bit lost at the end)

Do check out the movie, but for you avid Potter fans, do try not to be TOO disappointed (hey I said TRY)

:)

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Lessons

I think through this scholarship, God has taught me more than anything I've ever learnt as a kid, as a teenager and as a young adult.

I think the lessons learnt from this "scholarship", if you may, I will take to my grave.

First lesson - I learnt that you are alone in this world when it comes to your problems. Nobody can help you. People perhaps can lend you an ear, but they cannot help you. You have to help yourself. There is no other way. So much for believing in the "knight in shining armour" who will save the day. Furthermore many people would turn their heads away when you have problems. Many people do not wish to deal with your problems and so they disappear with the thought of having you as a nag. This is where you feel the MOST lonely. Many of your friends will deny you, not answer your calls or text messages or emails, change the topic even with the slightest mention of it, and most hurtful of all, act as though nothing has happened because, after all, nothing happened to THEM. So, the rule of the thumb is, yes you can have friends but like Jesus, be prepared for them to "deny" you. Save the thought of “pouring out your problems to other people in hopes of finding answers”. Only you can help yourself. Only you can find the answers that you seek.

Second lesson - Money makes the world go round. In a very literal sense, that is. It makes heads swirl in many directions, especially if the word money is synonymous with DEBT. Nobody wants to be in debt. And people will do bad things, crazy things, just to get their way around a problem that has the word "money" in it. Why? Because, money makes the world go round. We all start beating round the bushes at the slightest hint that we may be responsible for the "bill"

Third lesson - When in doubt, do not ask. Interrogate. Self explainatory.

Fourth lesson - People can say a lot of things but only a fraction will stand up for what they say. Words are only words until they are turned into action. Many people say that they will be this they will be that they will do this they will do that, but when faced with the three-headed-monster they turn blue and say something else. That is the power of words. They give you false impressions about a person as you cannot hold a man by his words. Read "there is absolute necessity to put down in pen and paper a bunch of words and sign below just to make sure"

Fifth lesson - You have to be responsible for your actions. You have to know that in doing anything, there surely is a responsibility that you have to uphold. No matter how little that thing is, you must be prepared to pay the consequences of those actions whether good or bad. Failure to pay the consequences will result in more dreadful and sometimes, more numerous consequences. Hence, whenever you do something, be sure to check that you are ready to face the consequences. The lesson here is not to refrain from taking risks, rather be prepared that the risks you take may incur liabilities that even you cannot repay.

Sixth lesson - You cannot make it to the top on your own. Sounds contradicting to the first lesson, right? But it is mutually exclusive. You cannot be successful without the help of another person. You cannot achieve "greatness" on your own. Without the support of another person (even if support means signing a guarantee letter), you cannot make it very far. You need people whom you can trust, and who trust you because without them, you are nobody. You are nothing.

Seventh lesson - When doing a deed for someone, never, I repeat, NEVER expect something in return for that deed. Perhaps I would use the world "foolish" to describe a person who does. We all don't want to "invest" in something without returns, but giving is one investment that doesn't require returns. When you give, make sure there are no strings attached. That applies to both parties; when you receive, make sure you don't expect more. Expectations are greater sins than the act of being a miser.

Eighth lesson - It helps if you have a private space where you can do whatever you like. Especially cry. When the world is tough on you, you need a place where you can feel safe, where you can let go, where you can run away for a while. By running away I do not mean staying away from the problem indefinitely. I'd like to think of it as a vacation. The lesson here is, you have to allocate time to "run away". Battling the demons without "resting" will only result in severe torment afterward. Have a cry, have a rant, whatever. Eat chocolate if it makes you happy. Then and only then when you are fully rested do you wage a full fledged war against your demon(s). You need to rest so that you are better prepared to face a problem, not strike at it blindly until you lose consciousness.

Ninth lesson - Friends come and go. Especially the close ones. Be ready to make new ones because your old ones may leave you any moment. And don't feel lonely if they do leave you, take it as their loss. You can't stop them from running away, but you can make many more friends. Never stick to one person. Ever.


I said these were lessons. Not that I've applied any one of them successfully. I have come to understand that they exist, these lessons, and the implications of them will slowly seep in, I hope. I want to learn from them, but again as the fourth lesson says, words remain words until they turn into action.

The first step towards greatness is realising that there is need for change. I am taking the first step and hopefully the first of many more steps to come towards becoming a better person. Thank you God for giving me this scholarship that I may see all these things I’ve previously denied or ignored.

Meanwhile, I'm trying my best to make use of this opportunity to grow up. Nobody can and will be a child forever.

It's best to be prepared at any costs. After all, I am growing up.

I am becoming an adult and I will soon carry all the responsibilities that come with being one.

Wish me luck in this phase of life.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Indemnity

People always ask me why I have so many white hairs on my head. Is it because I'm getting old? Or is it because I think too much, or genetic inheritance, or... what?

For sure I know one of the reasons would be because I live around such difficult people in my family.

The scheduled Signing of Agreement was for tomorrow, 17th at 10.00am. We had already agreed on the date and time, and I had already filled up the form for leave application.

And this morning she (that surety who is giving me such a headache) told me to postpone it to this Friday. Yes, she said that she was busy, although I highly doubt it. Lazy perhaps. She is always at home at the early hours of the morning when everyone else is at work. She is usually sleeping on the couch or in her room, or talking on the phone, or watching the telly, when normal people are all behind their desks. She’s someone high up there in the corporate ladder, see, so she can dictate her timetable whenever and however she chooses.

Yet she cannot make it for tomorrow. I wonder if she is purely busy or just finding an excuse to delay it further. Now she wants the meeting to be held at 2.30pm on 18 November, which is this Friday. Save the fact that I have to reschedule my leave, inform the scholarship officers, inform my father (who happens to be my second guarantor)… I wonder if she cares about all these

But how can I say no to her? If I do, she might probably say, too bad then I’m not signing. And as you all know, that is just like saying bye-bye-scholarship.

By delaying this signing of agreement, the financial guarantee letter will also be delayed. Which means, in other words, my acceptance to the university will also be delayed. If there are no more spaces left in the university, the scholarship is as good as a sheet of blank paper.

So why does she have to delay it further? Gosh, I am jumping up and down but what can I do… she doesn’t understand the URGENCY of this? She even told me to mail to the university and seek for extension of the dateline, without realising that the dateline is subject to the availability of places at the university!

Furthermore she told me that she is coming up with an indemnity letter, asked me to give it to my father and get it signed by him in front of a Commissioner-of-Oaths. A person like me with such poor grammar wouldn’t know what an indemnity letter is, but I know what a Commissioner-of-Oaths is so it had to be something serious. I typed it into an online thesaurus, the word “indemnity”, and the following appeared.

insurance
protection
cover
life insurance
security
guarantee
compensation
remuneration


Words that are, well, not very nice to hear when it comes to the topic of MONEY. Does she want to assure herself that I will not break the bond and if I do she will not be liable to pay back the full amount of the scholarship??? Why does she need my father to sign it? What is contained within that letter, of all documents????

Perhaps she doesn’t trust me, but then again I’ve learnt through this whole experience that money makes you more enemies than friends. Nobody would trust you enough to take up a responsibility that involves money. Nobody wants to be in the hotseat when it comes to repaying someone’s debts. Nobody wants to be liable for prosecution just because you didn’t fulfill a bond and they are forced to repay the bond for you. Nobody will trust you, not even your closest of closest friends, when the topic is about money.

Likewise, she probably doesn’t trust me at all. Hence this “indemnity” letter.

Why does she have to make things so difficult?

Today I learnt a new word, and no it isn’t the word “indemnity”.

I learnt the word, “trust”.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

The Exorcism of Emily Rose (Anneliese Michel)

I watched the show and did some research. Got this info from a website, and while looking for the person to credit, discovered that this article had appeared on many websites, so perhaps the copyrights didn't apply. Anyway it is an interesting read, for those who've watched the move especially.

Here's her portrait, and her story.

Emily Rose

"From her birth on the 21st of September, 1952, Anneliese Michel enjoyed the life of a normal, religiously nurtured young girl. Without warning, her life changed on a day in 1968 when she began shaking and found she was unable to control her body. She could not call out for her parents, Josef and Anna, or any of her 3 sisters. A neurologist at the Psychiatric Clinic Wurzburg diagnosed her with "Grand Mal" epilepsy. Because of the strength of the epileptic fits, and the severity of the depression that followed, Anneliese was admitted for treatment at the hospital.

Soon after the attacks began, Anneliese started seeing devilish grimaces during her daily praying. It was the fall of 1970, and while the young people of the world were enjoying the liberal freedoms of the time, Anneliese was battling with the belief that she was possessed. It seemed there was no other explanation for the appearance of devilish visions during her prayers. Voices also began following her, saying Anneliese will "stew in hell". She mentioned the "demons" to the doctors only once, explaining that they have started to give her orders. The doctors seem unable to help, and Anneliese lost hope that medicine was going to be able to cure her.

In the summer of 1973, her parents visited different pastors to request an exorcism. Their requests were rejected and they were given recommendations that the now 20 year old Anneliese should continue with medication and treatment. It was explained that the process by which the Church proves a possession (Infestatio) is strictly defined, and until all the criterion is met, a Bishop can not approve an exorcism. The requirements, to name a few, include an aversion to religious objects, speaking in a language the person has never learned, and supernatural powers.

In 1974, after supervising Anneliese for some time, Pastor Ernst Alt requested a permit to perform the exorcism from the Bishop of Wurzburg. The request was rejected, and a recommendation soon followed saying that Anneliese should live even more of a religious lifestyle in order to find peace. The attacks did not diminish, and her behavior become more erratic. At her parents' house in Klingenberg, she insulted, beat, and began biting the other members of her family. She refused to eat because the demons would not allow it. Anneliese slept on the stone floor, ate spiders, flies, and coal, and even began drinking her own urine. She could be heard screaming throughout the house for hours while breaking crucifixes, destroying paintings of Jesus, and pulling apart rosaries. Anneliese began committing acts of self-mutilation at this time, and the act of tearing off her clothes and urinating on the floor became commonplace.

After making an exact verification of the possession in September 1975, the Bishop of Wurzburg, Josef Stangl, assigned Father Arnold Renz and Pastor Ernst Alt with the order to perform "The Great Exorcism" on Anneliese Michel. The basis for this ritual was the "Rituale Romanum", which was still, at the time, a valid Cannon Law from the 17th century. It was determined that Anneliese must be saved from the possession by several demons, including Lucifer, Judas Iscariot, Nero, Cain, Hitler, and Fleischmann, a disgraced Frankish Priest from the 16th century, and some other damned souls which had manifested through her. From September '75 until July '76, one or two exorcism sessions were held each week. Anneliese's attacks were sometimes so strong that she would have to be held down by 3 men, or even chained up. During this time, Anneliese found her life somewhat return to normal as she could again go to school, take final examinations at the Pedagogic Academy in Wurzburg, and go to church.

The attacks, however, did not stop. In fact, she would more often find herself paralyzed and falling unconscious than before. The exorcism continued over many months, always with the same prayers and incantations. Sometimes family members and visitors, like one married couple that claims to have "discovered" Anneliese, would be present during the rituals. For several weeks, Anneliese denied all food. Her knees ruptured due to the 600 genuflections she performed obsessively during the daily exorcism. Over 40 audio tapes record the process, in order to preserve the details.

The last day of the Exorcism Rite was on June 30th, 1976, and Anneliese was suffering at this point from Pneumonia. She was also totally emaciated, and running a high fever. Exhausted and unable to physically perform the genuflections herself, her parents stood in and helped carry her through the motions. "Beg for Absolution" is the last statement Anneliese made to the exorcists. To her mother, she said, "Mother, I'm afraid." Anna Michel recorded the death of her daughter on the following day, July 1st, 1976, and at noon, Pastor Ernst Alt informed the authorities in Aschaffenburg. The senior prosecutor began investigating immediately.

A short time before these final events unfolded, William Friedkin's "The Exorcist" (1974) came to the cinemas in Germany, bringing with it a wave of paranormal hysteria that flooded the nation. Psychiatrists all over Europe reported an increase of obsessive ideas among their patients. Prosecutors took more than 2 years to to take Annaliese's case to court, using that time to sort through the bizarre facts. Anneliese's parents and the two exorcists were accused of negligent homocide. The "Klingenberg Case" would be decided upon two questions: What caused the death of Anneliese Michel, and who was responsible?

According the forensic evidence, "Anneliese starved to death". Specialists claimed that if the accused would have begun with forced feeding one week before her death, Anneliese's life would have been saved. One sister told the court that Anneliese did not want to go to a mental home where she would be sedated and forced to eat. The exorcists tried to prove the presence of the demons, playing taped recordings of strange dialogues like that of two demons arguing about which one of them would have to leave Anneliese's body first. One of the demons called himself Hitler, and spoke with a Frankish accent (Hitler was born in Austria). Not one of those present during the exorcism ever had a doubt about the authenticity of the presence of these demons.

The psychiatrists, whom had been ordered to testify by the court, spoke about the "Doctrinaire Induction". They said that the priests had provided Anneliese with the contents of her psychotic behavior. Consequentially, they claimed, she later accepted her behavior as a form of demonic possession. They also offered that Anneliese's unsettled sexual development, along with her diagnosed Temporal Lobe Epilepsy, had influenced the psychosis.

The verdict was considered by many as not as harsh as they expected. Anneliese's parents, as well as the exorcists, were found guilty of manslaughter resulting from negligence and omitting first aid. They were sentenced to 6 months in jail and probation. The verdict included the opinion of the court that the accused should have helped by taking care of the medical treatment that the girl needed, but instead, their use of naive practices aggrivated Anneliese's already poor constitution.

A commission of the German Bishop-Conference later declared that Anneliese Michel was not possessed, however, this did not keep believers from supporting her struggles, and it was because so many believed in her that Anneliese's body did not find peace with death. Her corpse was exhumed eleven and a half years after her burial, only to confirm that it had decayed as would have been expected under normal circumstances. Today, her grave remains a place of pilgrimage for rosary-praying and for those who believe that Anneliese Michel bravely fought the devil."


God protect all of us from the Demons. 3am approaces.

God, be with me tonight.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Fancy

I didn't know Malaysians were THAT kinky.

Just take a look at this

Image courtesy of The Star newspaper

Sex on the beach??? Wow. I wonder which beach in Malaysia is prone to these kind of activities... I'd probably be too ashamed to try it out!

10% of Malaysians had homosexual experiences, 29% ONS, 9% threesomes. I wonder how many PLU's fall into these categories :)

You can click HERE to view the whole article.

So what's your sex fancy?

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Luck

The amount of rejection that I have faced in the past three weeks cannot be compared to the way that the people have rejected me.

Some chose to tell lies (which are obvious to any dumb fool), while others don't reply phone calls or text messages, some turn their heads away and walk in the opposite direction, some ban me on their msn, some ignore me completely, and some say hurtful things to my face just to get me away.

But all said the word "no" in their very own way.

I guess when money is the issue nobody comes to your help. Nobody wants to be responsible for the debts that you incur, however selfish that may sound like.

Who says money doesn't make the world go round? I see my world spiraling all over me

So, it is a fact that scholarships are not merely awarded based on how many A's you've got for your exams, or how well you present yourself during an interview. Scholarships are also awarded based on how lucky you are in finding guarantors to back you up

And in this case, I really don't know whether I have such luck.

Will divine intervention come? God help me.

Choices

We all can choose our destiny. We have been given the power of choice.

I've been listening to Piano Sonata No. 8 in C Minor by Beethoven, releasing all the stress and tension that has built up within me in the past three days.

I want to go to Australia. That is my choice.

And if I don't get to go because my guarantor delays her documents, at the very least, I tried. I hoped for it. I dreamed of it.

Regardless of the outcome, I will rest well at night knowing that I did all I could.

Good night and God bless us all.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Realisation

I know how my brother knows. He is the administrator to our little "network" in the house where I share the internet line with him, so he sees the addresses of the websites that I go to.

He probably figured out from there.

He is spying on me, in other words. And he gave me a lengthy lecture about TRUST last thursday, so much for sincerity.

Hi ben. This is Jeremy here. If you are reading this, welcome to my blog, and yes, I am more gay than you think I am. I do appreciate your concerns for me but please from now on don't talk to me about TRUST because you BROKE my trust with you.

Welcome to the life of me you never see at home.

Please enjoy your stay and don't take things too personally. Leave if you are squeamish about gay life and leave if you get angry about the things I say. Otherwise, read on. I really can't control you, can I? That's the beauty of a blog. I can't stop people from reading if they really want to.

Mark my words... This is only the beginning.

Welcome to MY world

Friday, November 04, 2005

Event

My bro knows that I am PLU

I am currently trying to deal with it the best I can, and trying to sort out my mind after the things he said to my face

The world is going to be a very different place from today. I will need all you guy's hugs much much more from now on...

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Learn

I lost all the MP3's on my computer.

All except one.

Today I wanted to play some music and I checked my MP3 folder.. but all the files were missing or corrupted. I tried scanning for the files on the computer but it turns out that nothing appeared in the search window.

I tried defragmenting and then did a virus scan to see if there was any worm but there was nothing.

The files were gone.

I didn't make a backup copy

All that was left was an instrumental mp3. A very sad one...

I listened to it and for the first time in a long time my eyes started to become teary.

Happy Hari Raya.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Subjects

These are just random thoughts about random people. No names shall be revealed. You'll probably know if I'm talking about you and that's the magical thing; you won't know the other people I'm talking about. Note: every subject is a different person.

Subject 1
We have agreed to play the gege-didi game for a long time now. But the distance really kills the relationship. It has been such a long time since I truly got a conversation with him, partly because of the nature of my job and the amount of time he has to spend with his studies. I think I am drifting apart from him. Sometimes I just let the messages on MSN blink without answering them; I am too tired. But somehow he seems to understand. I may need to pay him a visit as I have never seen him in person... but that will involve a flight across the South China Sea. I think he is one of the few people whom I can genuinely call a close buddy.

Subject 2
Previously I have shared many problems and listened to many of his problems. Although due to the distances we are unable to help each other physically, perhaps it is the verbal support that keeps us together as a friend, or so I thought... because now as his life takes on a happier turning, I lay here forgotten. I don't expect him to message me or call me, perhaps I just hope that he'd know that I haven't forgotten him. I try to reach out and yet all I receive in return are blank stares. He's going overseas for a holiday.

Subject 3
I made an appointment with a friend to go for dinner on Saturday. It was agreed that he will come and pick me up as he was the one with the car. I rushed back home and got all dressed up, did my hair, picked matching clothes and did all the miscellaneous grooming to look my best. I waited for him from 5.30pm until around 8.45pm, sending messages asking whether he was coming or what his plans were. It wasn't until 8.45pm that I finally gave in and realised that I have been tricked. He was never coming. He only said sorry to me today, albeit half-heartedly, not that I was even expecting a sorry to come. His excuse? His other friend didn’t let him go. And yeah, he didn’t have the courtesy to inform me.

Subject 4
He has planned to go to HK to work. I applaud his decision; it isn't an easy one. He loves to travel and I assume he hates Malaysia, judging by the way that he describes KL. The only thing I couldn't understand was, he didn't tell me that he was going to leave until now, which must have been a long time since he made a decision. He also told me that he's going to get his Visa done and then off he goes. I've hardly heard from him on MSN, and totally did not receive a single message from him on my phone. I guess he's moved on without me. I really hope that he finds a good job and gets to settle down in HK. Maybe I’ll buy him coffee before he leaves, if, that is, he is willing to meet up before then.

Subject 5
We have agreed to go shopping in December but I doubt that she will be down in time. She has already told me that she will be having exams, but I hardly hear anything else from her. No replies to messages, no replies to phone calls. I guess she is genuinely busy. Either that or she's got another boyfriend. It is really hard to say. I plan to take her to Avenue-K and show her the lambskin coat that caught my eye.

Subject 6
Why do people say words that they do not mean? Sometimes it may be that they are joking with you. But sometimes the jokes can be too serious to be considered one. Perhaps the words he said were too sharp to my ears, or I was just being overly sensitive. All I know is that I never expected such words to come from him. He was attached, and yet he asked me to go over to his place for sex. Initially I shrugged it off lightly, but after awhile I started to get angry over it. Don't ask me why I did. Luckily it was on SMS; if he had told it to me in person I would have slapped him.

Subject 7
Sometimes when you meet someone for the first time, you tend to see that they are much more than they portray. Behind the clothes, accessories and looks, they are so much more. In one day I met him twice, and we had already bonded close to each other. I have yet to pick up any trace of scent from his body (mainly because he uses a lot of deodorant) but I can tell that he is quite hairless... just the type of skin I like. Heck I even want to go laser off my own hair! He is toned but that's not what I like most about him. Most of all I love to hug him. And for a Chinese educated person, to be able to have a decent conversation with an English educated banana like me; gorgeous. We had very meaningful conversations over a cup of coffee. I'm looking forward to meeting him again.

Subject 8
She probably wants kids of her own but I feel that she doesn't know how to take care of them. Sometimes she doesn't realise that she utters the words "lao gong" abruptly, with no reason at all. I can tell that she really needs a man by her side, but those that she already have are just disgusting. She hasn't paid much attention to me either, although I can tell that she's resentful because of the things I do. She seldom returns my "hi's" and "bye's", although she treats my brother with greater respect and love. Such double standards.

Subject 9
He promised me that he will take care of me but I felt that it was more of a restriction. I don't like being told what to do, especially if it concerns my own private matters. I don't like people bossing me around telling me that I should do this and I should do that. Perhaps you could suggest to me, but I need not necessarily follow what you have to say. However, he wanted me to follow his way because ultimately it would benefit him. He would get the better slice of the cake, and he knew this all to well. Stubborn and defiant, I chose not to give in. I know I made the right choice, because I felt great doing it. Currently I am still trying to forgive; it is only a matter of time. All I can say is that this event has seriously scarred my relationship with him.

Subject 10
I guess he falls in the category of "another one of those hi-bye friends" because that's exactly what he does. Hi and Bye. It is hard to tell what he wants exactly as his mood changes very fast, but that's pretty normal considering that he's younger than me. He loves me to send him my pictures. I just hope that he doesn't drool over them or use them as porno material. I think I'm going to go sick just thinking about it.

Subject 11
She left for Penang the day I messaged her. I was too late as I had not anticipated her departure. Blame me for not realising the long Deepavali-Raya week was just around the corner. She promised me that she'll call me when she returns. I've known her for 5 years but after I left high school I've hardly kept in contact with her. I think of all the people she knew in the school, she treated me as someone special. I took that as a very big complement, and really enjoyed the attention, but hardly took the time to reciprocate the favour due to the undying criticism from peers. Initially I planned on meeting up with her, but I seldom found the time. I think I must buy her a drink if I finally get to go to Australia.

Subject 12
I have been in contact with him for more than a month, maybe slightly over a month and a half. Although we've only talked online, I feel that I really wish to meet up with him because I feel connected. Then again, it takes two hands to clap. While I send him messages at night asking how his day went, or just hugs of affection "cyber-style", I usually get few or no replies. I must admit that in the beginning he did give me phone calls, but now he doesn’t even message. He’s very happy with his current situation, as elaborated on his blog so I guess that he doesn’t see the need to have an extra “friend” like me. Day by day, I feel he's pushing me to a corner

Subject 13
His temper is unlike any other. Just a simple misunderstanding and he logs off msn abruptly. We didn't get dinner that Friday because of this misunderstanding. I felt a bit horrified because he did this; I was just trying to care for him. I think I send him too many "hug-hug" messages and asked him how he was doing too often. I hardly get messages from his side anyway. His other friend claims that he has very few friends because of this, because he can never control his temper. Although I wish to help him, I am really running out of ideas and leads. I just wish that he'd be happy because whenever the tempers flare, I see a bit of myself in him and I know that isn't always a good sign.

Subject 14
I was supposed to have dinner with him on Sunday and I waited for him to confirm the time with me. Perhaps in doing so it was also fault on my part as I didn't take the initiative to send him messages to reconfirm the time. I only received a phone call from him at 8.32pm (as it says here on my handphone) asking me why I hadn't called him to reconfirm the time. I was baffled, as he told me that he was waiting for my call as well. We ended up canceling the dinner.


Subject 15
I plan to go to Kota Kinabalu one day. East Malaysia has always been on my list of must-go's because I love nature and East Malaysia has tons of it. Fortunately he has already told me that I can always stay in his house if I ever drop by. He treats me like a little boi... or his dear dear... and I feel very warm when I speak to him online. I've never heard his voice or seen him in person, but I certainly look forward to it. I was really down due to personal matters a few days ago, and he was the only one who helped pick me up from my low-point. I guess that after a while, I've grown close to him and I share a lot of my probelms with him. He has very nice lips; very kissable. I think I'll try to meet him after Chinese New Year. He regrets that he isn't employed in his old job which would have enabled him to visit KL more often.

Subject 16
I thought that we were going to be close forever until he said that we should now just remain as "friends". He's finding other people to satisfy his needs now. He went to Japan for a few days and I hope that he will buy me the things that I mentioned, although I cannot count on it too much. He still treats me very well and I think he still looks out for me as a fatherly figure, but I can tell that he's moved on with the lovey-dovey part of the relationship. I know that it would happen someday because I already enforced my stand; no more bottom-ing. I guess for now I will just have to feel comfortable being treated as a small boi (which I do) in the way that he does so well. He gave me a PDI shirt and I really love the colour.

Banana

I met up with a very very very gorgeous person. Actually we were chatting on IRC and slowly we exchanged profiles and MSN contacts

Before we knew it, we had agreed on a meet-up. Imagine that... in less than 2 hours we had already agreed to see each other.

He looked a little chubby in his picture but I didn't really mind. I was hungry and he was willing to take me out for supper. We initially planned on going to Murni to have Roti Hawaii and mango special

He arrived there much earlier and found Murni closed. Probably because of Deepavali... or something. I on the other hand was very late. In fact, I arrived more than 20 minutes after he arrived, although I stayed so near to Murni. I felt apologetic but luckily he didn't really seem to mind.

I must say I was really shocked to see him. He looked much slimmer in real life and he was just... gorgeous. Very meaty, boyish look, with a very nice smell (I discovered this only near the end of our meeting)

We decided instead to go to Coffee Bean.

From the moment we met, he talked to me in Cantonese. Of course, as you all know, my Cantonese is atrocious. But he didn't speak much English and I was forced to use whatever atrocious Cantonese I had, much to his amusement.

The air conditioning was blowing directly at us while we had our Frappucinos, and he was wearing a singlet so he was feeling cold. I tried to hug him to keep him warm but other people started looking at us so I let go... pity…

We talked about the usual things (yes, I spoke in atrocious Cantonese) but didn't go far because of the language barrier. In the end we finished our drinks and went into his car.

We sat there for almost an hour, trying to think about what to say to each other.

People say language is not a barrier, but I say that is not true. In fact, I think it is the MOST important factor in any relationship because when language is in the way, communication is affected.

I am a banana. I admit that. I am trying my best to learn how to speak Cantonese/ Mandarin but I am not really doing that well. Struggling. Most people on Axcest are Chinese educated and hence I find a lot of trouble communicating with them.

Just like him. He was just so lovable, so huggable, and so innocent looking... I wanted to reach out to him and try to get to know him better but I just... felt bad that I couldn't say much to him in the end.

Needless to say, we also parted in silence.

Why can't I speak good Chinese! He said that it is better to know English than Chinese, but I disagreed. I said that both are equally important.

Can someone wave a magic wand and cast a spell on me so that I can speak Chinese fluently?

I hope to meet up with him again. This time, I'll try my best not to speak too much jargon, although I know that this will be highly unlikely.

Ah the irony.