iPerbole?

You tell me what this is all about.


Okay, so here's a dude in Fifth Ave. New York, obviously jubilant that he's got his hands on this piece of 'technology' as they would like to call it, with the people at the back CLAPPING HANDS AS THOUGH IT IS A GRAND ACHIEVEMENT?


So yeah, you've just cashed your savings into Steve Jobs's bank account to make him (and his associates) a few thousand dollars richer. Thank you and have a nice day, let’s all clap and celebrate his riches.

Yay for the 'Yay' factor.

~

"The REVOLUTIONARY iPhone comes with mobile, internet (email, web browsing etc.) and iPod functions..."

Oh wow. This is SO DAMN unique. Like, we've just discovered that mobile phones are mobile. They've started a revolution. And internet browsing, wow, NO OTHER PHONE CAN DO IT? Give me a break. iPod functions. Fine, so that's new on the shelf, but don't we already have the Sony Ericsson K810i and other phones like it with mp3 players inbuilt into the phone? Revolutionary iPhone, they dare say.

Again, Apple has not been shy to flaunt its low battery life. 5 hours of talk/browsing/email? 16 hours of audio playback? Try run the two together, audio playback and talk, and you end up with a phone that needs a charger at every available location. Your car, your office desk, your living room, the restaurant, the toilet...

The best thing is, just like every other Apple creation, the batteries are NON-REMOVABLE. That's right. You will have to send them back the phone so that they can remove it for you (which coincidentally means that you will be cut off from talk/browsing/email/iPod for weeks till they get the batteries replaced). Built-in batteries are not user-friendly Mr. Jobs. Then again they fuel monopoly (and hence billions of $$$ extra into your pocket) so that should be a good thing for you, which is what we all want innit? (do you hear the loud applause as an extra few million dollars gets cashed into his bank account?)

Touch screen. That's what it’s all about innit. That's why everyone's calling it the sexy phone, because it comes with no buttons. Then again if you're drunk on a big night out and high on every chemical substance known to man, the last thing you want to be doing is punching a screen and sliding scroll bars just so you can make a call for a cab to take you home. I've got a Nokia that does just that in the touch of ONE button. That's right. ONE button calls a cab. With the 'revolutionary' iPhone, you will need to slide your way into your phone book and punch your way across your contacts hoping that your iPhone registers your touch (assuming also you don’t have a tremor). Ever tried using a touch screen at the Airport to select your flight? You get the drift.

Two Megapixel camera. This is the greatest creation. We've never seen it… for two years? The latest phones all come with 3, 4, and now 5MP cameras. So why has Apple stuck to the miniscule 2MP when the technology for higher pixels is already there? Why not, take out the bloody camera and tell your fans to get an idiotic digital camera if they want that function? Oh wait, you can't do that. Your market share will drop, which means less money for Mr. Jobs and the millions of employees under him. So we'll just have to chuck in the 2MP camera 'to feed the lions' then huh.

In Philadelphia, Mayor John F. Street was among those waiting in line at an AT&T store when he was asked by a 22-year-old passer-by, "How can you sit here with 200 murders in the city already?"

Street told the man: "I'm doing my job."

Enough said.

~

Apple was happy to announce to the world that the iPhone is 'patented', but a quick Google to the copycat centre of the world (a.k.a. China) and no surprises there, we've got a twin! So much for your patent, Apple.



(In case you were wondering, the REAL iPhone is on the right, and the one on the left is the clone)

It is called the P168 (I presume because 168 in Chinese means 'get rich quick', which is sooooo typically Chinese), and not only have they ripped off the wallpaper, they've also put a 2.0MP sticker next to their 1.3MP camera just because they can!

P168. Get it from the store near you. Just don't expect any applauses or fancy packaging.

Stupidity

Ok like, I know I signed up for a profile... okay fine FOUR profiles... because I want to get to meet people (for the fun of it?), but then again do I really DESERVE a deluge of idiotic emails from brainless hantu who troll the internet in hot pursuit of ‘victims’ just so that they can satisfy their 2-inch Bratwurst (yes, I'm referring to the smell AND the colour).

Of course, you're allowed to be an idiot (the percentile of people on Axcest in this category probably exceeds 90, prove-me-wrong) but looking at the quality (should I be saying quality?) of idiotic messages the boyfriend is getting in comparison, I am starting to question whether or not my cina forehead and sepet eyes are attracting a certain sort of clientele, where the median IQ is anywhere between 20 and 25.

Can people manage to compose an email that does not include the following words?

MSN
STATS
MEET
FRIENDSHIP
SEX
COCK
TOP/BOTTOM
EXCHANGE PICS
ADD ME
H/P NUMBER

NOOO they can't. Apparently they get itchy all over. Like damnit, not everyone wants to know your MSN/phone/dicksize/suburb/versatility. So don't berak it out all in one go and smash it into a person's face, right in your FIRST email ever.

Also if you've never been good at English at least don't try to be smart when I tell you that cuisine is spelled with a 'c' and not a 'k', and 'amusing' is not the same as 'amazing'.

Me: Your ‘More About Me’ section is really amusing. Good read. Him: Thnx, im v glad u found me amazing. Me: Not AMAZING. I said AMUSING. Like, funny. Laughable. Hilarious. Comical. Entertaining. Him: Aiya same thing la.

(-_-)"

~

Here are some other favourites:

Hi I’m new here and looking for friends…

Ok so today you say you want friends, tomorrow you say you want fuck, the day after you say you want fidelity for marriage, and then shortly after, a funeral because you can’t stand to live attached. Right.

I’m up for anything really. I’m a very boring person.

So does anything include arse play using a street lamp post as a dildo and toilet water down your throat through a 10mm tube? Guess not. And if you’re boring, then what makes you think I’ll want to speak to you if the only words you utter to me are ‘hi’ ‘bye’ and ‘how are you’?

Are you into fun?

Expect this answer if you ask me this question:
‘Of course I’m into fun. I do gardening for fun. I drink coffee for fun. I watch movies for fun. I play computer games for fun. Who wants to live a boring life? Duh’. If you want to ask for sex, it's really simple. Just say "Do you want to have sex with me". Sex is not always fun so don't equate the two.

Are you T/B?

I’m U, which stands for UNAVAILABLE. Read my profile carefully please.

Digressing a little, I FUCKING KNOW HOW A DICK LOOKS LIKE, so could you please politely put a face picture of yours so that I can see how that compares to an unwashed, ungroomed and uncircumcised appendage that is no longer than my little toe.

I don’t have a picture here, but I have one on MSN...

Perhaps you don’t get my drift about the if-you-do-not-post-a-picture-
on-your-profile-then-I-gather-you-are-most-probably-no-better-looking-
than-Jocelyn-Wildenstein-and-the-cat-she-so-dearly-loves statement that I frequently insert ‘just by accident’ in my reply mails to those who dare send a request. I’m not asking for Tom Cruise looks, just some reciprocation (especially considering I post darn fucking good pictures for your viewing, thank you). Oh and I also don't talk to headless corpses either, I'm not necrophilic.

Hi, wanna come to malacca? I can take you around to see the beautiful antique places and try all the malacca specialities like laksa, nyonya zhang, nyona cendol, satay celup. chicken rice balls etc etc. Some week ends i stay in subang jaya family house to attend buddhist funtions. maybe we can arrange time to meet in subang jaya/usj/pj/kl if you are willing to come to KL for holidays. You can also reach me in msn, my id is (xxxx-censored-xxxx)

See what I mean. As though I've never eaten those things or been to Malacca! As though I'm desperately looking for someone to take me around and fill me up with goodies before tying me to the rear seat and fucking me till thy kingdom cum.

If you want to seem approachable, then don't fucking think you can lure me with a carrot on a stick the same way pedophiles do to young children just because I look twinky. Five digits in your bank account? Good on ya. Do I care?????? I don’t give a bloody octopus shit what CREDIT CARDS you have or what bloody monkey cunt 4WD you drive. It doesn't get me 'excited' at all, especially if your face resembles a HORSE, your tummy resembles a BEACHED WHALE and chest is flatter than an AIRPORT RUNWAY.

My reply to this cunt?

*****censored by author*******

NB: You get the drift anyway.

~

Fill

We might bypass Stage 4 Water Restrictions after all.

(Pictures courtesy of Bureau of Meterology and Melbourne Water)

Wild Weather

Melbourne takes a much needed shower as a low pressure system moves across Gippsland and much of the Alps. Doesn't this remind you of KL?



Poor tree, had to be chopped into pieces to make way for idiotic cars.



Even the roads were not too happy.



And while some had fun with their umbrella in the high winds...



...others were not so lucky.



But the happiest people of the lot all had to be the ones in the Alps, with lots of snow for the 2007 Winter Season.



Happy Winter!


(Pictures courtesy of Herald and Weekly Times)

Kidnap

This is the victim.


This is the victim, pictured with his family at GSC 1Utama for the promo of The Simpsons movie.


These are the kidnappers, captured by 1Utama carpark CCTV, running away with the victim, helpless in the boot of a Proton Waja.

A reward of RM1000 will be given to anyone who successfully returns the victim to his family. Have fun hunting!

(Pictures courtesy of Reuters)

Tense

2400 other people in the same hall as you at any one time. Ceilings so tall you can't see the top of it without squinting. Painted murals depicting some idiotic fat lady holding a lance, floral patterns everywhere... Large corridors and huge balconies, you'd think that they'd choose a less pretty building to have an examination.

Just four more days to freedom (and a whole lot of promiscuity).

Can't wait.

8.11

You know that winter is officially here when the hideous old lady on Ten News tells you that yesterday was the coldest day in Melbourne for the year (3.7°C), leaves of the alien species in Melbourne start shedding their leaves, snow starts falling in the alpine regions and electricity bills go up up up with soaring heater and dryer use.

Occasionally I am reminded of the cold when I step out in the morning with the thickest jacket I can afford (which coincidentally is not very thick at all) but otherwise I am constantly in denial; sheltered from the cold when I enter a restaurant, a room, the train, David Jones, the corner café or The Peel where the heaters are blasting hot air to keep the temperature at a balmy 28°C, its hard to imagine that winter is already here.

But when the fog comes, no degree of mind control can keep you in denial.

We've not been hit with any significant rain lately, and the fog just makes matters worse because it’s like rain without the raindrops. You can feel the droplets gather on the lenses of your glasses as well as in your well-gelled hair.

The pavements are wet from all the microscopic droplets, vision is impaired and you can feel the chill burn through the five layers of wool that you are wearing, sending shivers up your bone and into your spine where you feel the pain rattle your brains and solidify your blood.

Even more so when you have to sit for a fucking exam in the Royal Exhibition Building in Carlton (namely, the 'wooden shed'), with no adequate heating, 15m high ceilings that dissipate whatever heat that is available and stone cold wooden floors under the thick soles of your shoes.



8.11am. 5.2°C. Six 400-word essays away and two frozen palms.

Bummer.

Online Flowers

Yeah so, I should be studying, but hey this is WAAAY more important.

Like, how much does it cost a person to make a bouquet of flowers? I mean, flowers are not all that expensive. I can get seven stalks of Strelitzia reginae (Birds of Paradise flower), one Heliconia stricta (Crab-Claw Heliconia), with three Doryanthes excelsa (Gymea lily) leaves and a bunch-full of Xanthorrhoea australis (grass tree) leaves for under $30, and make a stunning bouquet of flowers.

Online, there's a florist that's selling the exact combination for $175.

And you'd think that cost includes delivery. No, no, no way. Add $12 for delivery.

Want a balloon with that? Try another $15.

A soft toy in the form of a cheap Teddy bear made in the sweatshops of China? Add $40.

'Up-size' the bouquet? Add $100.

It's daylight robbery if you ask me.

They even sell flowers in glass jars. One dozen Tulipa 'Meissner Porzellan' hybrids for $125 (street price $25, glass jar maybe $5?) But the greatest rip-off has got to be the Rose-In-The-Box, ‘for the perfect girl of your dreams’, at $40 for ONE blardy rose in a cardboard box. I mean come on, I can get three dozen roses for that price! What box you want? Box from David Jones? Also can, just $5.99 extra. What, wrapping paper you say? Borders wrapping paper for $2.99. These people are NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s like, who the hell would buy flowers from these guys? I mean okay you're paying for convenience so you don't have to get your fat legs down to the market and buy the flowers for yourself so they charge a bit higher for that service but then again I think $99 for four Banksia integrifolia cones in a box is REALLY pushing it too far.

Apparently the flowers are 'carefully selected' by a 'master florist at a location near you' (WTF is a MASTER florist??? what, you mean he has a Masters in arranging flowers ah??). For all you know its some bored old housewife who's got nothing better to do in her flower shop than to get rid of her excess old stock that didn't sell over the weekend.

Better still, they use 'the finest most high quality hand made paper wrapped delicately around your bouquet', all for the ADDITIONAL price of $36. So that means if you didn't see this 'additional cost', that will mean you still get the flowers in a bouquet but wrapped in cheap plastic. OMG what a rip off.

A quick Google online and I could find similar paper for under $8 a piece.

Woh. Gold mine. I should open an online florist too.

I visited the Singaporean equivalent and they had close up pictures of some of the flower species that were offered on sale. At the bottom, a carefully positioned chat box was filled with comments, one which said:

"I think you should post more pictures on the gallery on flowers as pupils who wants to do projects like me, will find it difficult to find info."

Like, have you heard of Google you idiot.

SOOOOO Singaporean though.

The world is sometimes very twisted.

Broadband

I HATE broadband providers.

Like, all of a sudden, the network chooses to go gila on me. Now the speed is 1/10th of the speed I used to get, and even then the line keeps dropping.

And for the amount I'm paying, I'm not happy.

I still remember being part of the TMNet Streamyx pool of customers who were constantly in the dark whenever some network outage occurred. I remember venting my frustration to customer care that put me perpetually on hold and even then when someone DID answer it they had no fucking clue what you were asking them so they put you on hold AGAIN. The stupid service cost us fucking RM88 for a 1.0Mbps line, which by today's standards is truly and utterly THIRD WORLD, and you'd be lucky if it didn't crash at least once a month.

Not that people weren't using their bloody BitTorrent and Limewire to fuck up the network to begin with, but that’s beside the point. Why do we have such slow speeds and lines that keep disconnecting???

Even our own MP Datuk Seri Dr. Chua Soi Lek is annoyed with the quality of telecommunications in Malaysia. In a statement issued by our Health Minister, he said that 'Malaysian telephone lines need to be upgraded. It’s the truth. It’s so difficult to get a clear line'. This after our poor Health Minister had a fucked up video conference (of course, fortunately just a ‘trial’ one, nothing ‘official’) with Terengganu’s state health director. You can read about the article here.

Hey hey but modems come bundled FREE with Streamyx packages. Goodies.

WE DESERVE CHEAP AND RELIABLE BROADBAND!

Here in Australia everybody's pointing a finger at everybody, over who should be responsible for the Third World service that they have here. Not only are the plans massively expensive they are also unreliable (like now, when the line’s crashed and everybody’s blaming Telstra because they own all the lines and there’s nothing anybody can do about it).

Telstra is the main culprit (otherwise known as ‘shitface’) in this whole debate in Australia because of their reluctance to open the broadband network to rival ISP’s at a low cost. Since they own all the infrastructure they get to be the BigBrother of broadband and charge ridiculous fees to any ISP who needs to use their line to offer broadband.

ISP’s go one step further to CAP your monthly download, so when you exceed that cap you automatically get throttled down to 64kbps (dialup speed!!!!!!!!) for the remainder of the month before the cap is reset the following month. In other words, GUILT when using YouTube, GUILT when downloading 2GB porn, GUILT when viewing high resolution pictures of a guy’s chest, GUILT when letting BitTorrent run while you’re at uni having a good time.

Fucking GUILT.

Even then, Telstra’s own Telstra Bigpond broadband service (access the site here) is a joke. If the massive monthly fees didn't kill you (20GB monthly download cap at 8Mbps is worth AU$89.95... you do the math), then the price of buying the modem, installation cost, connection fees (yes, Telstra charges you to self-install your own modem for the price of AU$249 for a wireless router installation – remember the key word here is SELF INSTALLATION!) and other miscellaneous fees will certainly burn a hole in your pocket.

Now I’m not usually a fan of Singapore but I gotta say hey these people have real broadband going. Singapore’s SingTel has 10mbps broadband for only S$68/month, unlimited downloads, free modem. I hear the reliability is not too bad either and of course you’d expect Singaporean companies to have excellent customer service as they always do in their plastic society. Bloody idiots.

Don’t even START with Japan. Bloody Japanese. Because their users are less interested in downloading content from the USA or elsewhere overseas (since most Japanese only read Japanese language and websites are hosted on Japanese servers) so they do not need to pay large amounts for the interconnecting fees to USA based providers, unlike in Australia who is increasingly becoming the United States of the East. This means lower cost for broadband. High population density, large number of users (around 20 million people are connected to broadband) and good infrastructure further drives costs down. Broadband packs from takeaways? Sure. People even give free trials away on the streets!!! Advertisements in subway stations, your local Sushi store... you name it. Broadband is big business.

They have fiber lines of up to 100Mbps starting at about ¥4,500 a month. Although the downside is that this service is limited to larger condos in major cities, it is still VERY affordable. Normal ADSL starts at around ¥3000 a month. Read about their fiber optic lines here or here.

So coming back to the whole issue about broadband availability. 10 years ago it was a luxury to have internet connection slower than 512kbps. Now anything below 2Mbps is a joke.

Webpages are getting more and more pretty (meaning more and more stuff to download so that you can view them), files are getting larger and larger (think HD Porno), things to read online are becoming more and more plentiful; I don't think I'll be able to survive without the internet in any given day because it has become as important to me as going to have a poop every morning. I mean seriously, it's IMPORTANT damnit

SO why shouldn't we, consumers, be ENTITLED to cheap always on fast broadband that does not crash and has good customer service? We are, after all, bloody paying for it.

Bring on the fast broadband, it'll give me orgasms at 10Mbps.

House

Call me crazy but I've been working for the past 18 hours on a template for the house I'd like to build when I have the money (and the land). Yes I know, I should be studying, but hey, everyone's gotta have a break SOMETIME right??? Although I'm not very good with layouts I think so far it's been quite good.

No, I did not nick it out of some real estate site, no, I didn't use any professional architectural software for the designing, and no, I didn't ask someone to help me do it. I used Adobe Photoshop, plain and simple, and drew each item manually using the line and polygon tools.

So YES. I'm proud of it and I won't be fucked if you're not.

I even measured out the lengths of all the doors, sinks, windows, room measurements, staircase, trees and decks to make sure that they were life-sized. I got a lot of the measurements from actual products, such as doors and sinks you'd be able to buy in Ikea (not that I'd buy Ikea if I could afford to build a house!).

I'm too free already hor?

I estimate the price to be an upwards of AU$1,500,000 in today's currency, not including stamp duty, garden design and appliances (which will, of course, be from SMEG).

Any takers? :)

Oh and there's no driveway because inner city Victorian style houses in Melbourne don't usually have driveways. There's no land for it anyway.

Home

Yeah. That feeling again. Homesickness.