Switch

My computer is giving me the shits. Everytime I come up with a thought, the screen goes dead black. This is the fifth time I'm typing this out, and if it crashes again so be it I'm off to bed. Time to think about splurging on a Powerbook.

Same old shit. Arguing a lot more now; we get into each other's head space and there's no way out other than our respective rooms. He sees himself 'fathering' me, I see myself 'expecting it'. Within two months of intense work/play/study we've become father-and-son. What a FANTASTIC thought, don't you think. But at least we can still talk (major plus point).

This time I'm the emotional vampire. Note to self: book in for an appointment to see a counselor. I need to get it out of my system fast before he packs up and leaves.

Which is a real worry. I've seen people leave me; mom dad brother relatives friends pseudo-friends. Every time it happens I go into a panic attack trying to salvage what's left of it, making it worse because I fuck that up too. And then they truly and wholly take a one-way-ticket-out-of-my-life, I go into depression, burn through my MSN list and finally go out like a flame.

It took me 2 years to get over Chris, my first ever major meltdown. What I find difficult is not the "being single" part (which I love) but the act of someone leaving. Back then it constituted huge bouts of unprotected sex, alcohol abuse, midnight excursions to secluded spots, and an ocean of tears. Climbing up again was difficult and it took many failed attempts of self-harm to finally say, "I'm going to sit in a corner and milk the unhappiness out until there's none left."

I'm generally a happy person these days, a far cry from the vampire I used to be. But every now and then I slip; I go back to being Mr Hyde in short doses and just like the story I'm losing control over the frequency of those slips. If I don't act quickly to remedy it then all may be lost.