My Kind of Guy

"that's why you see for the first time, exco makan nasi bungkus"

Love it.

New

Three holes indeed.

And it's like, omg I'm speaking like a three year old. Dxnixl is having fun doing this to me. INSULTING MY SPEECH. He loves it when I trip over the d's and the t's, so he asked me to pronounce 'detention' and I fell right into it.

But otherwise he's having a shit time with my new piercings. I think he's worried I will one day come home with breasts and pink pantyhose. Actually it's kind of cute that he's taking so much offense in the 'new me'. It's like I enjoy all the attention I'm getting.

So I've learned that the tongue is very important for eating. This is after I had marmalade toast and a banana - lets just say blood tastes better when you're not actually in pain. And no, two front teeth cannot be used to chew through toast.

Mental note: get babyfood.

The toilet is also feeling the shits (literally). Everything out my end is wet, lumpy, gooey, and oh so yucky. This is what happens when you have soup four times in a row.

And yes I saw bits of corn (from the Minestrone). This is going to be an interesting recovery.

Is?

Blink.

Blink.

Blink.


I am having trouble writing. Taking some time out on a Friday night, just sitting at home with the cat and the stereo in the background. Well actually the cat is sitting on me. Warm pussy yum.

Tomorrow I will get three holes in me. Which is great I think; I'm finally getting the hang of dealing with this kind of shit. Oh dear lord the lady downstairs is listening to NIN. Which would be fine if she was 50 years younger. I must say I'm pretty shit at music for a 21yo. Shame on me.

And don't ever think about laser hair removal if you're a wuss. Don't believe the ads - it REALLY hurts. And this is the first in a total of 5 sessions. Ouch.

Switch

My computer is giving me the shits. Everytime I come up with a thought, the screen goes dead black. This is the fifth time I'm typing this out, and if it crashes again so be it I'm off to bed. Time to think about splurging on a Powerbook.

Same old shit. Arguing a lot more now; we get into each other's head space and there's no way out other than our respective rooms. He sees himself 'fathering' me, I see myself 'expecting it'. Within two months of intense work/play/study we've become father-and-son. What a FANTASTIC thought, don't you think. But at least we can still talk (major plus point).

This time I'm the emotional vampire. Note to self: book in for an appointment to see a counselor. I need to get it out of my system fast before he packs up and leaves.

Which is a real worry. I've seen people leave me; mom dad brother relatives friends pseudo-friends. Every time it happens I go into a panic attack trying to salvage what's left of it, making it worse because I fuck that up too. And then they truly and wholly take a one-way-ticket-out-of-my-life, I go into depression, burn through my MSN list and finally go out like a flame.

It took me 2 years to get over Chris, my first ever major meltdown. What I find difficult is not the "being single" part (which I love) but the act of someone leaving. Back then it constituted huge bouts of unprotected sex, alcohol abuse, midnight excursions to secluded spots, and an ocean of tears. Climbing up again was difficult and it took many failed attempts of self-harm to finally say, "I'm going to sit in a corner and milk the unhappiness out until there's none left."

I'm generally a happy person these days, a far cry from the vampire I used to be. But every now and then I slip; I go back to being Mr Hyde in short doses and just like the story I'm losing control over the frequency of those slips. If I don't act quickly to remedy it then all may be lost.

Downtime

I'm sulky.

Spiralling quickly into depression.

That's all.

Knights of Cydonia

I'll show you how God sleeps on the job.

The intro reminds me vaguely of theme songs from computer games from the early 90's, the ones where you had to plug into your TV set and play off a console. There's definitely some superhero theme here. Think testosterone and war.

Compared to Absolution this song is absolute fucking rubbish. The apocalyptic theme is still there but the song could do with a bit more variance. Here it just repeats itself like a broken tape recorder. Bellamy's composition is still brilliant. Unlike Absolution, Knights of Cydonia grows on you. You need to play it several times, turn the volume up and let the composition kill you before you finally appreciate it.

Closer to Queen and a departure from Radiohead's incessant nagging, this album is what you want it to be. Radical. Meaningless. You decide, as they spin away madly and repeat every second sentence in their absurd lyrics. Highly recommended.

Apple Again

Steve Jobs announces the newest 3G iPhone (8GB and 16GB), with Vodafone, Optus and Telstra already confirming they will stock the phone in Australia. The news comes as loyal fans express their anger over the huge drop in prices, a huge US$400 difference from just over a year ago. Apple has also done a total back flip, deciding to release the phone in 3G, previously citing battery life concerns for its omission from earlier models.

Wait a minute. Sound familiar? Remember the beating that Apple shares took when just 2 months after releasing the iPhone they decided to drop the price by 30%? The best explanation Steve Jobs could come up with was that "that's technology". Whilst I accept that price reductions are inevitable, these shock reductions could also be drastic measures to increase sales - not hallmarks of a SUCCESSFUL BRAND. Apple did not expect people to snub their $599 creation; after all they tried to ride on the success of other products completely forgetting that the handset market is already saturated with cheaper, technologically more advance no-strings-attached options. The only thing they had going for them was LOOKS since everything else about the iPhone had already been tried, tested and reinvented to death (by Nokia, for instance). They also ended up scrapping the 4GB model because it was unpopular... don't tell me they didn't know that was coming. Seriously.

I admit I almost jumped the boat but looking back now thank god I'm not GENERIC. This is certainly not the Apple I grew up with - I guess once you go mainstream everything is compromised. Think Smashing Pumpkins, Coldplay and Silverchair. A quick check on eBay and the 2G phones are still selling for over AU$700. These "early-birds" never learn.

Same Game

God Save The Queen; Rawhide party 11 days before the exams = the right thing to do. $250 later and I'm not so sure, but the night was a long one, Alcopops are expensive (classy though) and Rawhide is different when you're chemically altered in a sea of naked men.

You think that turning up on your own is a great idea in case you pick up but having unmet expectations is not cool. For me clubbing is a conscious decision to bare yourself - whether you're gorgeous or gross, wasted or sober; everybody is watching, judging, selecting and eliminating. Things-I-Do-To-Feel-Precious

But today I was determined to have wicked fun, and so I did.

~

For a moment there I felt conscious I was dancing alone but god saved this queen - chemicals knocked me back and the podium was all mine for 7hrs. The effect carried on till the afterparty; a quick KFC with, of all people, ryan, before snubbing him.

The comedown was a bit rougher - it was my turn to get snubbed. Dxnixl reckons I was pushing my youth in-their-face. Either way people started avoiding eye contact, turning their backs to me, giving me the evil-eye. So just like Lacey Chabert (Gretchen) in Mean Girls, I shot back the look of "I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me... but I can't help it that I'm so popular..."

I know, right?

Cab home all by myself. I had a lovely night.

~

Me: "Why did we ever stop coming here"
D: "Because everybody started"

My "Sex and the City" moment in Globe. But a hearty Spanish Breakfast followed by Borders is a welcome return to society. Dxnixl is always holding my hand (or me on a leash, whichever is more romantic) which stops me from falling hard after a trashy night out. Sometimes I wonder how I'd ever stand up again if not for his constance. And to top it off he cooked me spag bol for dinner. I now feel the need to be punched every time I nag about the dishes :/

Insatiable

Yeah, cam-whore.

Even though I'm not eating/sleeping well, I still manage quite a few wanks of pornographic proportions; for my age that is seriously normal.

I hate that S word "study" and all its abbreviations. I'm starting to get the hang of sleeping at 4am and waking at 10am which is terribly irresponsible but nothing unusual. Dxnixl on the other hand is really working hard. Past week he did a conference in Sydney, random meetings and a newsletter which is someone else's work. I see myself demanding more quality time because he's always going to bed at like, 9pm and I'm always asleep when he leaves the house. We've become so out-of-sync it's not funny.

Work is a useful escape for me. I'm currently translating texts about ancient Persia and Israel which is really cool but it means staring into a computer for hours, staying away from sunshine and having little more than instant noodles for meals. Thinking about the money is enough to keep me going but distractions are distractions and I'm running out of excuses to stay away from my books.

Beyond Vanilla

The past week has been less interesting; first the end of my semester then half a week without dxnixl followed by a long weekend where all I did was hide under the sheets and hope the fog outside would disappear.

Vanilla is starting to bore me. There's less thrill and anticipation when you've done it to death. I must admit there's something about being roughed up and pushed to realms beyond my limits and experiencing a bit more than just suck/fuck/cum. A few sessions in the past were ok except there was still an agreed end point much like vanilla.

Started a profile on Recon, chatted with a few guys (and banned twice as many) - I can actually see myself doing this. On the other hand I'm starting to feel naked because I have no gear; here people have full body suits, hoods, jackets, wrist cuffs, straps and paddles, rings and chains, plugs and boots etc. while I seem almost vanilla with my cheap chest shots of nothing-much-to-show-just-looking-here. Gear is expensive and I'm not confident enough to go into a shop and blow $1000 on leather.

So is it all about confidence? Maybe the issue is less about BDSM and more of looking for ways to get out of my comfort zone. If you think subs are weak then you're wrong - it takes a fair bit of bravery to let someone take control over you and do as they please.

Which begs the question - dom or sub? I think I will have trouble disciplining men older than me. Actually not many young Asians are into kink, another plus point I suppose because I don't have to rub elbows with LV-carrying whores with bleached hair and a fake accent. But the smell of leather/chrome/used boots omg. Also keen on trying chasity for a week or so until I go crazy and beg to be released. Okay this post is starting to sound more like smut but that's where my headspace is at.

For now I'm just looking, learning and questioning, but the real challenge is to relax and go right into it with no reservations. That's the point isn't it?