Biochemistry?

Yeah and I thought I was going to party again this weekend...

I'm finally feeling the weight of work ahead of me. I'm reading through all these cryptic journal papers - written in scientific language that few others can comprehend, full with abbreviations and diagrams that completely make no sense to an undergraduate (like myself).

And these essays that I have to write! "What is the function of the KDEL receptor? - in 1000 words or less"

"cis-maturation model of the Golgi cisternae"

"role of leptin and SocS3 inhibition in metabolic intake"

"signalling mechanism by which PDGF induces membrane protrusions in mouse embryo fibroblasts"

"molecular mechanisms involved in determining asymmetric cell division during embryogenesis"

FUCKED IF I KNEW, YOU DIPSTICK.

~

I have been sleeping in classes. Going to uni is a chore so i do it for the sake of. Like eating chocolate. For the sake of. Coffee can only keep me awake for the first 25minutes. I can't concentrate. I don't care. Burnout. For fucks sake.

Recorded iLecture? What the hell is she saying. I can't even link her babble with the lecture slides in front of me (probably due to the fact it's 3am, I'm cranky and it's cold outside?). I keep rewinding at the same sentence "it takes a while to understand Grb2 pathways...". I might need more than a while, you bitch.

Partying more and more as a means of avoidance. Bad signs?? Dxnixl won't understand and can't help. Seems that alcohol/drugs are (slowly) becoming the answers to all my worries.

Phone was offline today in Melbourne Central; Three was doing it again with their idiotic network. Reception has been choppy in the past two weeks but I haven't done anything about it... Dxnixl couldn't contact me so today he threw a fit and I deserved it. Like, yeah, I need to get my shit sorted out. But how. And when.

Workout at the gym seems to be the only thing going smoothly. Previously I've been telling myself to keep away from "muscle enhancers", but now I'm more willing to give it a go. Not any steroids or shit like that - more like super protein shakes that make you tremble if your energy expenditure does not match calorie intake. Yeah, I know this shit - it's called the MC4R induced thermogenesis.

And my fingers are struggling to keep up with the typing. I'm so tired but I can't sleep until I finish reading about JAK2 receptors. If I don't then I won't sleep because I'll worry myself to death about not doing enough.

Not that I'm doing much anyway.

Recovery

"The Vines - Autumn Shade" is trippy.

It hurts. I'm grabbing my pillow, hiding under the sheets hoping it will all go away. Two glasses of water later and I feel like throwing up.

What friends? The numbers on my mobile have all been contacted within the past 24 hours. I don't know enough people?

Red fingers. I've been typing on MSN for the past 4 hours. I can't give a rat's ass about the rings around my eyes. I want company.

In between alcohol and vitamin sessions I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with the comedowns. I peak a massive amount so the recovery is abrupt and hard.

Today has been an emotional roller coaster. Up and down and then up again - I hate it how there's this 24hr lag before I start to feel numb. Axvxn says deal with it, and I know I should; not sure if I know how. Two days of intense partying have drained me.

Feet In The Feathers

Shirt off. Yellow Onitsukas and size zero jeans. Smirnoff red in one hand, fingers of a boy in another. Fuck-all attitude, dancing to Toca's Miracle under green lasers and blue spotlights. No thoughts, no unhappiness, no fucking worries.

And for once my chest was the only thing that hurt.

More alcohol. No pills so alcohol will suffice. Sleazy guy I've seen before, coming onto me again. I say fuck off with a flick of my fingers. How long will I have this youthful 'empowerment'?

Face in the sink. Water tastes of a century of grime. On the floor, tissues and cum stains (?), eww. I'm with a few boys now. Glad to know you too.

Wrestle my demons. Coming down is never easy, even if you've got three others to hold you. I think I need to play my game better. Too much to drink now. Plasma TV showing Sunshine - end scene where he gets blown up as the spacecraft plunges into the sun's atmosphere. Nice.

~

TAXI!!

None found. Those that zoom past us pick people who look straighter than me and Mxtt. "But your house is in the fucking wrong direction" I hear myself say. He's into a cab and back down Church St. while I mull over the direction of Dynon Rd from here.

Whopper makes its way out from my mouth into the gutter. Tram arrives. I hop in and pass out under the tram's fluorescent lights.

Party

Long weekend. Jesus died so we could have a holiday.

Trailer Trash at Billboard, Russell St. Very unusual to have a gay dance party in the middle of Chinatown. 11am and I'm already inside with the most cleavage I could afford, helping dxnixl handout free dog-tags with safe-sex messages on them.

Mxtt offers me a drink; six bottles and one pill later I'm on the podium dancing away to Britney (omg trashy). He's kind of cute - wide grin and big eyes. He likes my jaw cause it is very square (wtf). Hot dancer. I've never had someone grab me by the belt in a long long time.

And good amounts of pashing. Inhibitions are rare when you're chemically altered.

Out to get fresh air. Trip to 7-eleven sees many heads turn as Mxtt and I hold hands down Russell St. Fuck off cunts, I say aloud. Pills make me a rowdy bitch. Does it make you chatty? He's telling me a lot of things but I can't make sense of it (cause it's mostly shit). Too windy so we're back inside, dancing away to Basement Jaxx with our tops off and not a single care in the world.

~

"Why can't we take the party bus?" Fuck man. Dxnixl leads the way to his friend's for congee (that's porridge for you Malaysians) and my first cigarette in 2 years. My mood is slowly dropping.

Recovery at Spider Club, Chapel St. Mental note to self = stay away from tight tank tops when the weather is 9 degrees. More alcohol and pills. DJ Dan Murphy. Dancing with my top off and flirting with sleazy guys who want me.

More pashing.

Dxnixl is my safety net. Literally tells me to breathe when I'm overheating. We take a taxi home and I'm gorging my face with Maggi and meat pie before sleep in undies.

Hot

Again, a weekend of 39's in Autumn. Which is cool cause I enjoy the heat, though I'm not so sure about others (Dxnixl inclusive).

On days like this I'm practically naked. I much prefer this weather to the miserable winter cold, albeit the lack of rain (which I also like). I want this weather everyday.

Yet I'm constantly obsessing about impermanence. I'm using the seasons as an excuse to not think of the bigger things like graduation, employment, my bond, my relocation, my relationship and my finances. It's much better (and easier) to worry about how I may never see 41 degrees and 11% humidity again.

Questions in my head. Why would I want to stay? Some of it I like (think "sex venues"), but everything else can be mundane. Maybe it's the spending power - I like to dress myself in Pashmina and Prada. Yet are those things comparable to good food, nightlife, youthful energy, corruption, traffic jams, poor English and unpredictability? I worry I might become complacent as a Melbournian.

And affordability is shocking.

Having said that, in general I manage change quite well (such as sex positions/partners/role, choice of clothes and type of food), but I'm less receptive to changing places of residence, which dates back to childhood experiences as a reject.

2/3 Majority Denied!

7.53am AEST:-

BN: 135 Seats
Opposition: 82 Seats

BN has failed to get 2/3 control of Parliament.

Congratulations Malaysia for voting with your feet.


PM: ‘We’ve lost, we’ve lost’ - 4.12am
These were the only words which Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi could muster when quizzed on the ruling coalition’s shocking defeat in five states.

Abdullah was posed with the question during a press conference at the Putra World Trade Centre in Kuala Lumpur. He was accompanied by his wife Jeanne, deputy Najib Abdul Razak and other BN leaders.

The prime minister added that he will make a media statement after analysing the results in detail.

Source: Malaysiakini

PM: Choose BN or Choose Chaos

Prime Minister, Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi in his 9 pm TV polling-eve
message said:

"You have to vote for our future. You have to vote for our children…

"What will happen if there is chaos and there is instability?"

Abdullah got only the first part right, that Malaysian voters must vote for
their future and their children.

He got the second part completely wrong – as the choice before the Malaysian
voters is not between Barisan Nasional on the one hand and chaos and
instability on the other.

This is a false choice.

Source: Lim Kit Siang

Malaysian voters (and non-voters) on my MSN are skeptical about change, and Badawi pushes this button frequently to woo voters. All have expressed fear of the opposition ruling our states and bickering in our Senate, so naturally any talk about 'instability' sends ruffles through the people. The thought of how change is brought about by a new government completely eludes them - "Aiya now got opposition then we sure die lah", and "How now later got more riot, May 13 then how".

Who's to say that voting the opposition will send us into chaos? Countries and governments are in constant disequilibrium - ever changing and ever evolving to achieve more. Any country that reaches stasis is effectively dead; think North Korea.

Malaysians have no faith in change. It is much easier to wallow in their own self pity and complain about every imaginable topic over their teh tarik.

Further gains...

3.19am AEST:

Penang, Kedah, Kelantan and SELANGOR fall from BN after a fierce batle with the PAS/PKR/DAP alliance. The opposition is reported to have won more than 50% of the seats in the Dewan Undangan Negeri (State Senate).

Change is coming.

Work the System

My own dad and brother are part of the system. Same with the rest of my extended family. The system works for them, those BN whores. Stability over political, religious and individual liberty.

Penang and Kelantan have fallen to the opposition (unofficial results as of 12.38am AEST). Maybe the system didn't work well enough this time - disgruntled people voting with their feet?

Lets see what happens, shall we?