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Forgive me if this post sounds like it was carelessly composed. In fact it comprises many separate paragraphs written on different dates, stitched together to form a mash.

So we're finally back after 2 weeks in Malaysia/Singapore. The hardest part was getting off the plane; Melbourne welcomed us with fog, rain and 5 degree winds. And to top it off I was jetlagged, dxnixl was cranky, luggage was heavy and my bank account had nothing in it. Joy.

This visit has taught me a lot about myself. KL itself has morphed beyond familiarity; my usual hangouts are gone, swallowed by the angry metropolis of ugly buildings, Protons and coloured people. I had forgotten how to respond to cues like looking in both directions before crossing the road, asking the taxi driver if he will take you to where you want to go BEFORE you step in, or eating with a spoon (yes, seriously). I've never felt so un-Malaysian.

New clubs have come and gone and I'm proud to say the gay clubs definitely delivered. My friends have changed. Some have become ultra gay, others attached and the usual suspects have become so alien that I couldn't muster the courage to meet them over coffee.

Ah, coffee. Without his usual morning fix of Melbourne-style lattes I had to deal with his daily morning PMS. Also the lack of angmoh breakfasts. I just didn't know how to tell him at the time to "fucking get over it", so I accepted his scolding like a bitch and felt really bitter and dirty afterwards.

We were too ambitious with our holiday plans so everything seemed rushed. Also opting to stay with my father was the biggest mistake of the trip. Initially meant to help save on costs, it was severely lacking in comfort. Moving out to a hotel bordering KLCC was hastily made to cement the cracks that were developing and it was an epic save. However Langkawi reversed the trend with their exceptionally horrid service, and Penang food has turned him off Melbourne's Asian-style food forever (yay!).

Singapore offered him some reprieve and he absolutely LOVED it (as per my prediction), and our stay with a friend was fantastic (bless her). We even did the Singapore flyer and a quick dinner with my closest relative was really emotional (in the best way possible). Great clubbing at St. James Powerhouse although not so hot Singaporen boys were perving at gorgeous me all night. *wink*

I later asked him, "Why don't we ever have make up sex?"

"well we don't argue very much!"

~

He has been offered a few jobs in KL and Singapore. In particular I have decided that Honours is not for me and so I will graduate this December. Which means, more responsibilities, less protection and the eventual move-home-to-Malaysia.

OCD

And I do it again.

I'm constantly computing the logistics in my head. Step 1. Step 2. Step 3. Backup plan in case of an emergency. Price. Discounts. Figures. Numbers. Letters. I'm making this holiday into one big mathematical equation.

Because I'm scared of just doing as-is. In 12hrs I will be boarding a plane. That itself is a scary thought. Dxnixl hasn't even packed. He'll do it tomorrow.

Which is perhaps something I can never do. I said to him I will do all the booking, worrying and suffering because it's *my* country and I should know better. So I've done it. Down to getting spare Ringgit so we're not stranded in a worst case scenario (whatever that may be). But it's slowly becoming apparent that I simply enjoy being obsessive compulsive, and this whole trip is just one big excuse to get worked up.

Apparently, stress turns me on. Big time.

Jitters

On a Thursday night, at Golden Monkey drinking cocktails with a friend. This place... I've been here so many times and I still like it. Here I had 1L sake with dxnixl when we first started dating. Here I had birthday parties, meetings, events and dramas. This place is scandalous but I'm loving every bit of it.

But I go for the most boring drink of all = a Lychee martini.

I bought dxnixl a very nice Samsonite travel bag costing me a fortune. But it's sturdy with a 4yr warranty and he needs to move away from his... lets say... CHEAPER luggage. It's only 48 hrs till we leave for Malaysia and I'm already having the pre-travel jitters. Thinking about the million of things that could go wrong on this trip. OCD is a constant battle between the voices in my head and my sanity.

Tomorrow we also take the cat to the cat hotel but because of his condition (FIV) he will have to be isolated from other cats. Which is a real worry; will he get enough space to play around? Food - is it tasty enough for him? Strangely I've become attached to our cat even though I promised myself I wouldn't. I will miss him very much. Did I just say OUR cat?

I'm distracting myself from the bigger questions like how do I manage this relationship to the best of my ability. It's good that he's becoming more cheerful because of this trip, but what happens after? Back to the same old routine? We need to find new ways to have fun together not new excuses to have a shout.

Apple crumble. The friend wants to have it and I can't for my life think of a place to get it. So we end up at Crown, in a restaurant facing the Yarra, having sinfully rich pudding with ice cream and coffees, when my friend goes "yeah I'd like to try that with you". Not paying attention, I spin my head and go "what, what, what??"

"Try boots."

"Oh."

~

This is the last train to leave Flinders St station. It's cold outside; condensation is forming on the train windows and trickling down onto the carriage floor.

Getting home I find dxnixl fast asleep with pusscat right next to him. I'm in love.