Sleep

Cloudy days. I've not seen weather like this since winter. Outside a balmy fuck-thats-cold-enough-to-freeze-my-balls temperature; I feel pressured to flick the heater switch and blast my room with boiling air.

Across the room in the shadows, I see a faint silhouette of the cat purring under my table. He's left a few furballs near my bed and I have been inhaling the shit all week now. The boyfriend better give him a nice grooming or I'll start getting very unhappy.

Meow.

~

I'm walking around the room in circles, albeit the sun rising outside my window. Pacing myself, I can't think of the reasons why I'm up this late. I find myself feeding my mind with Inaya Day pounding on the stereo. It's not appropriate to listen to music like this at this hour. I'll only get less sleepy.

Chat room is very quiet. Duh. One old dude sends me a text message asking me to show him my private pics. Get fucked.

I've been out of the scene for so long that I have forgotten how to approach a guy and carry out a meaningful conversation. All I find myself spitting out are profanities and references to the Queen, Madonna.

Somehow I've detached myself from the world of online conversations. I've told myself that I do not need this.

A boy says hi to me in the channel. We used to have each other's MSN address, as I discover that he is banned on my Privacy list.

~

Full sunlight now and I'm still wallowing around in my bed. My head is spinning under the bright spotlight that has kept me company since midnight. Cautiously walking across the debris on the floor which had assembled itself over the course of the night, I head for the bathroom to wash my face.

I'm having an argument about the pros and cons of living in Melbourne as opposed to KL with this dude on MSN. He seems to think that KL is inferior to all places, and that Melbourne is the ultimate expression of culture and sophistication.

Funny how I used to think that. I used to belittle my country, belittle my people, belittle my capital city (where I was born bred and probably would die in), and most of all, belittle my past because I thought that a foreign country would be better than my own.

And then I was thrown to a foreign land far far away, away from the pleasures of Char Kuey Teow and Bak Kut Teh, without any Teh Tarik and Nasi Goreng Campur, no daily 3-hour-traffic-jams, without any 25mm-a-day rains, without any crowded and messy roads, without dirty public toilets and without a constantly changing scene; I suddenly realised that life is not so green on the other side after all.

He calls me a cunt. I'm starting to feel like I'm the older and more mature one already.

~

Thunder in my head. I feel dizzy as I put my head against the wall. I hear sounds from the neighbour; they must be waking up now.

Boyfriend’s alarm ringing. It must be time to get out of bed, not that I was ever asleep to begin with.

What am I doing here in this madness?