Letter to God

Dear God,

I have not been speaking to you for a while because I don't know what to say to you. Perhaps because I've elevated you to a state of divine existence that I no longer feel the need to converse with You on a personal basis. Perhaps because of my own self righteousness and selfishness, I have turned inward for direction and neglected Your soft whispers which pass by unnoticed. But now that I have felt the effects of my own doing, I am afraid of what I may be up for and unsure if I am prepared to face it on my own, and now I am coming to You as a last resort for help as I always do.

Help me to not constantly seek affection from a person as a means of overcoming my loneliness. I do not need to constantly prove myself to another person as means of gaining acceptance. I do not have to put on beautiful clothes or spend ridiculous amounts of money so that the neighbour next door will notice me.

I do not have to work out in the gym so that I look like a swimwear model before a person can look at me and appreciate what they see. I do not have to study hard and score straight A's before someone notices that I have intellect, nor I do not have to be on Speed to show that I'm a member of the crowd and I'm willing to take up something that will fuck my brains inside out to prove that point.

But I forget these facts so easily, and I constantly have to remind myself that I am more than they say I am.

I am more than they say I am.

Help me to stop improving myself just so that I can meet the expectations of those who see me as an object. Do I really gain happiness from knowing that I am eyed jealously by people, or is it more as a means of dealing with the fear of being inadequate such that expressions of my true capabilities are masked behind a carpet of self-conjured delusions to make them seem adequate to the discerning eye?

I know what I wanted when I first came here but it has become blurry to me. Perhaps after the drinks and the dance has worn off, perhaps after the sex becomes dry, perhaps after the stomach feels hungry and the music stops playing, I will come to my senses. I will come to realise what is truly important for me, and what is truly important to those around me.

I pray that I may learn all these skills, not so much the skills being passed on to me through literature and lectures, but through the hardships of life that so fervently express themselves around me as though they've been created to haunt me. Help me learn from them that I may still remain strong despite the lack of strength, and happy despite the lack of joy.

Perhaps one day when I look back on today I will realise how far I have come from where I first started of. Then again perhaps I will only see myself sink deeper into this monster we call depression.

I pray that You will be with me as I undertake this task that has been delegated to me, because I'm not sure if the little strength I have would be sufficient to carry the load that I have to bear.

But more importantly, help me realise that I really don't need affection and affirmation from anyone but myself. Anything that comes is extra, but whatever lacks thereof is whatever needs to be filled with my own strength and perseverance, because I am the only one who can provide it to myself unconditionally.

Amen.