Hopeless

I have not reached my goals and I don’t seem to be bothered by the fact that I’m falling further behind

Ever since I came to Melbourne I have become a lazy bastard. People are paying their asses out to get me to study here and I am merely slacking day by day, spending time on the internet and sleeping in bed, or worse, working in some stupid restaurant that pays me peanut money so that I can spend it at some bloody night club with trashy people.

I have adopted the Melbournian lifestyle of live-first-work-later, and I am adhering to their lazy principles because I can.

I know that my exams are not far away but I'm doing nothing at all to revise whatever I've learnt. Going to lectures seem to be a routine of collecting whatever notes that are handed out rather than a learning opportunity. Whatever that saves me is the past knowledge I gained in A Levels. I'm not learning anything new, nor do I bother.

I have not been consistent with my gym workout. I've come up with excuses to stay away from the gym. I am constantly tired at work and constantly fucked up over relationships so the last thing I want to do at the end of the day is pick up some iron and pump away at it. I'm no good at coming up with excuses; they are always the same= "I'm tired". If I had a dollar for every instance I used the word "tired" in my daily vocabulary, I'd probably be a very rich man now.

I have a tummy building up there, my biceps/triceps have shrunk after three months of consistent workouts, my chest has become flat and it now look no different from what it used to be nine months ago before I signed up for gym.

My eating is up in shits. I'm having cereal for lunch and a few slices of bread for dinner. I used to be on Indomee but now that I’ve run out I haven’t bothered to buy anymore. I'm not drinking water because I'm too lazy to go to the toilet, and I'm not eating fruits because the last few times I bought them I forgot to eat them so they fell prey to some fungi. I still haven't got over the bags of apples I threw away because they were worms in it.

My bank account is filled with money because I’m not spending on the things that are important to me, and I’d rather stay at home than go out to Safeway to get myself something decent to eat. Besides, I’ve got heaps of instant oats in the cupboard, so why bother.

My relationships with people are all but non-existent as I pursue the significant-other, and I think I've not been paying enough attention to the people who care for me and who have been constantly trying to get me out for coffee. I think I've stopped replying their messages because I'm either not bothered or simply too busy.

I am becoming a horrible person, a monster, and I don't know how to reverse the damage.

I've been telling myself to study for the last 10 hours but up till now I haven't even picked up a bloody book.

Somebody save me from myself, as I have no more self dignity.

I have no more faith in what I can and cannot do.