The De-vil

The Devil Wears Prada.

I see myself in the movie. Perctionist. Idealist. I want all those things. I want Chanel boots. I want D&G sunnies. Prada bags. I want to have it and I want it now. Sophistication. Complexity. Jimmy Choo's.

Plastic.

I want a plastic world for myself and for my boyfriend.

Dark cold street in the middle of so-called spring weather. Sodium lights emit an eerie yellow glare above my head, penetrating through the crowns of newly budding English Elms along Royal Parade. I can see my shadow cast on the tarmac below.

Square jawline.

Old dudes smoking outside the Royal Melbourne Hospital. This place is full of death and decay; people in strollers, smokers with tubes still attached to their chest, puffing away at the cigarette that will eventually kill them. Tonight though, I'm too preoccupied to care; I walk past them as they ask me to "spare them a ciggie”.

I do not wish to contribute towards your death, mister. Fuck off.

Wreckyn St and a few hundred meters to go. My legs are walking independent of my brain and I can’t feel them although I’m beginning to stride very fast now. Both my eyes are focused on the Carlton Draught signboard ahead of me in a distance but my mind is not thinking about rationality or direction.

Hyperventilating on the sidewalk. Tears in my eyes, blood in my veins.

I can’t breathe.

Shower treatment doesn’t do its magic the way it used to. 30-minute hot shower with water flowing across my face, unconcerned with the apparent drought in Victoria. I could get used to pampering like this.

~

Nasty messages being hurled across cyberspace; he's telling me what to do on MSN yet again. I seem to be unable to make my own choices, or change my mind on my stand without having to face the wrath from him. I'm sick of being fathered by someone who probably doesn't understand what it means to be me. By someone who has his own decadent morals which I don't question, even though it goes against my own principles.

Previously I thought he was just overreacting. We've been in arguments before, from trivial matters such as misunderstandings on MSN to larger issues such as being clingy. I've tried my very best to deal with these things but apparently the issue lies much deeper down inside; he has feelings for me and wants me to be his "Friend With Benefits", whilst retaining his status as a "single gay man" who "sleeps with other Asians".

I have fallen in love with the boyfriend due to reasons I cannot yet explain in words. I have chosen him over many others to share my deepest feelings and thoughts with, on a level of intimacy unsurpassed by any other person and I have identified him as someone whom I'll give my undue affection attention and love.

And in doing so I have evoked the devil named Jealousy in someone else who has taken the issue personally.

The Devil Wears Jealousy.

Tonight I am ready to emancipate him from me, and it will be done without any remorse. I have decided to distance myself, reverting once more to my old ways of severing off people to retain my sanity.

I don't need to be told what to do. I don't need to answer to anyone.

I am not an object to be desired or owned.

The emancipation begins now.