Realisation

When I took up this scholarship, I saw it as a way to get out of my country. Anything to leave the shores of a land where I had experienced a traumatic childhood, anything to take me away from my tormentors, anything to give me a new chance at making a life of my own.

What I didn't accept, however, was the fact that this scholarship was not a vacation to Australia but rather one that will legally bind me in a contract and will cause me much unneeded stress because of the high minimum grades set by the scholarship provider.

I wanted so much to get out of my country that I ignored the responsibilities and the repercussions that came with me signing all those papers in black ink.

I can still remember the feeling I had when I received a phone call from a lady I've never met or even heard of prior to that phone call, telling me that I was successful in obtaining the scholarship. I was working then as a Laboratory Assistant and I had just snuck out of the lab to answer my buzzing phone, still clad in the geeky lab coat and latex gloves.

The rush of adrenalin and the sequence of blank stares and huge gasps of air that followed were definitely new to me.

I can remember telling myself, "this is it; this is your chance..."

I will never regret signing those papers. Australia has given me an insight into a different spectrum of humanity. I have never seen anything like it, this place Down Under. I've never before lived in a country where people worked at their own pace and used the phrase “available in so-and-so working days” as an excuse to their inability to process things efficiently, drank beer like their life depended on it, sued local councils because they placed their foot into a hole on the sidewalk and found that it actually made them trip over, and have never heard of the name “Lee Kuan Yew” or “Aung San Suu Ki"

I've never experienced hail sunshine rain hot wind clouds cold wind and thunderstorms all in the span of one hour. I've never been able to drink water straight from the tap, or pay AU$4.50 for a piece of roti canai.

I’ve never seen the Southern Cross, smelt a daffodil or seen a drag show.

I’ve never had these experiences prior to coming to Australia. But the most important experience of all is that I've never felt so happy to be away from the constraints of my fucked up family (or lack thereof).

I've never known what it was like to feel free.

And so I did enjoy life for the past 3 months. My exam is in a few days and I am still enjoying myself, eating chocolate and having soy milk with yoghurt and fresh raspberries. Thinking about the movie X-Men 3 and the Da Vinci code. Spending countless hours checking out the latest Winter fashion. I'm still chatting profusely on MSN, still wasting time online doing whatever it is that people do online, and still sitting around not worrying that the next few days are going to be hell.

I've told myself ever since I received that phone call regarding the scholarship that I will not get into a relationship. Not in Malaysia because I'll be leaving for Aussie, and not in Aussie because I'll be leaving for Malaysia. I'll not be able to stay permanently in both Malaysia and Australia until I graduate and I'm not in for a long distance relationship either.

Somehow my views on that have changed and I have since become desperate to look for some kind of support. Not a relationship per se, more of emotional and physical support. To feel safe in another person's embrace, to feel the soft kisses upon my neck, to feel the warmth of another person's naked body pressed against mine...

I find myself seeking ever more opportunities for me to fulfill this desire of wanting to be accompanied.

Recently I have become emotionally dependant on people, and the mere sounds of these two words seem to ring an unpleasant notion. I know that I've done this before; I was emotionally dependant on my ex when it came to my mood. He became my life and my world; my moods revolved around him. I would become upset and show it to every one else who was innocent and I would slaughter a few friendships by being the bitch I was back then.

What am I doing now? I'm emotionally dependant on another person to make me happy. Even though that "dependency" may just mean begging a person to stay online for another 5 minutes so that I won't feel lonely and will have someone to chat with. Even if it means, inviting people over for dinner so that I will have company and wouldn't have to eat alone.

I know myself and I know that I am not a very clever person when it comes to relationships. I used to rush into something and put all my eggs into one basket. When I find that the relationship is not even close to where I "envisioned" it to be, I plummet into withdrawal mode and totally cut the person out of my life, banning him from MSN, deleting his number from my mobile and severing all ties with mutual friends. I do all these things casually without really noticing and I do it with force to show that I am in control.

Really, all I'm saying is, "Hey you, I can't handle you right now because you don't meet my expectations so I'm going to have to cut you off because you've become cancerous"

Am I still doing that now?

I have started to depend on a few people and begun to consider a relationship. I have begun to start day dreaming and wasting time "pursuing" these people when I know what I really should be doing is opening my books and trying to remember the difference between cyclic photophosphorylation and the Calvin-Benson cycle.

They sent me here to obtain a good degree and all I'm worrying about is whether someone will accept me, whether someone will look at me and say that I'm boyfriend material, whether someone will notice me and my petty issues about life which I seem to claim I know so much about.

I am so much more than this. I am so much more than this. I have to remind myself that I am not here to relax and have a good time. I'm not here to indulge in all the pleasures that a First World country has to offer. I'm not here to worry about that person I met on MSN and whether I am worthy to be his boyfriend. I am only here for one purpose alone and that is to get my degree. As harsh as that may seem, that is the only thing that I must achieve in excellence. Everything else is secondary.

Why then do I find myself doing everything else but that???

Why then am I up at this hour, not getting enough sleep, ranting away about my pathetic little life to some stranger (namely you, the reader) who reads my blog and knows that I'm an asshole to begin with?

Perhaps because I'm tired of studying, or perhaps because I've given up on staying focused.

So the question now is, what comes next?