Dear Dad
Dear Dad,
I know that you chose this path for yourself and you have made it clear that your decisions are none of my concern. I know that you want to live your own life and don't want me to bother you with my incandescent need for attention, and you don't need me telling you what you should and shouldn't do.
But you must understand the feelings I have when you sleep with my closest of friends. The thoughts that run through my head, the feelings that pulse through my heart when I see my best friend in OUR house sleeping in YOUR bed. Do you get me? Do you know how I feel? Or is this all just jargon to you??
Perhaps you are open about your preference and you know what you want from your life. Perhaps you are stable career-wise and now wish to seek the "pleasures" that life has to offer for you before you get ready for your funeral. Perhaps you know nothing better than sucking another guy's cock or bunking around with your own son's best friends.
Perhaps you don't see me eating bread and water everyday to make do with the absence of your financial support, or the wrinkles on my forehead due to the self-inflicted punishments to force myself to study just so that I can finance my own education which you chose not to pay for.
Perhaps you didn’t know that I am seeing counsellors to manage my emotional issues and that suicide is a very real threat to my existence. Perhaps for you, giving me gifts is a means of replacing the fatherly love and concern that a parent is obliged to provide to his or her child. Perhaps for you, ideally I should be left to rot on my own because I have no longer become your concern, ever since you independently decided to “free yourself from all responsibilities as a parent”. Perhaps for you, there is nothing more important than your idiotic need to deny that there are problems in our family due to YOUR choices.
But do know that in making those choices, you are not the only one who pays the consequences.
I still remember lying in bed when I was 9 on a cold night hearing sobs coming from the master bed room. You were nowhere to be seen and all that could be heard were the wails of a woman who desperately sought the attention of her husband whom she chose to marry sometime in the past. I still remember coming home from school one day only to be shocked when I found mom in a foetal position, not responding to any of my prompts or cries. I remember you walking out that door into some other man’s car, whom I’ve never seen or heard of in my life. I remember when I was a 10 year old boy, I saw mom lying lifeless in that wooden case before she was put under a pile of earth, and I remember the look of indifference on your face as though all this didn’t mean anything to you.
Did you also know that mom used to come home from work and the first thing she’d do is cane my behind with a bamboo stick because I refused to kneel down in front of the family altar and pray for you? Mom had an erratic behaviour. She told me that you were in some kind of trouble and that it was my responsibility as a son to pray for your “sins”, without actually telling me what they were. I was punished because of the things you did when you thought nobody was looking.
That guy never cared a rat’s ass about our family, he never bothered about the vows you made when you tied yourself to mom in holy matrimony. Child support was heresy and I was kicked out of the house so that you could turn OUR family home into YOUR fuck-shack. Yet you gave him all the respect, attention and love you never gave mom, and you told me at the age of 8 that I held you back from pursuing your “ideal lifestyle”. You told me that I was a “mistake” and that “the only person who ever wanted to have kids was mom”
I do not know your childhood because you never spoke of it to me. I do not know whether you suffered or whether you had a good life with granddad, and I do not know the pressures and tribulations that you faced as a kid. But I do understand that you are well aware of what it means to suffer, you are well aware what it means not to be loved.
I gave you all that I could. I did all that a filial son could do for his father. I excelled in my studies, did well in my extra curricular life, joined societies and contributed to the community, stayed free from drugs, had a decent teenage life just like any other kid despite the fact that you had no role in my upbringing or financial support, and moreover I managed to come out of the loss of mom single handedly and turn out to be a person who is neither a hopeless case nor a serial killer.
And yet the best thing you could give me was your unending indifference to my needs and my dreams. You said that I was holding you back from your dreams without realising that you were crushing mine with a sledgehammer by deciding to do away with your responsibilities as a father.
Guess what dad, I don’t blame you for the choices that you’ve made, nor am I angry at you even though I know that it was you who drove mom towards taking her own life back then. I only feel sorry for you because you do not realise that you have a very brilliant son who has come out of the atrocities that you inflicted upon him to become a successful and unique individual, and that you will die a very lonely man one day when your sons start turning their backs on you in the very same way that you turned your backs on them the minute you walked out that door.
I am giving you my greatest sympathy for your lack of understanding of these facts, and the failure to realise that unbeknownst to you I have already decided that the only person I will allow to stand near me during my graduation photo shoot will be the photographer.
I will not do so much as to let you take credit for my success, nor to let you bask in the spotlight that I have earned with my own blood and tears.
Do quit telling me what I should do with my life so long as you have your bed warmed by a different man every weekend, especially if that man happens to be one of my many friends. I find it disturbing that you can so casually push aside the guilt of this offence, yet I understand that you are a very decadent person and it is beyond my capacity to comprehend or question your actions anymore.
Besides, you don’t want me to finance you when I graduate, and I take great comfort in that. At least I’ll have spare cash to splurge on Prada.
Yours truly,
A son who doesn't acknowledge your existance.
I know that you chose this path for yourself and you have made it clear that your decisions are none of my concern. I know that you want to live your own life and don't want me to bother you with my incandescent need for attention, and you don't need me telling you what you should and shouldn't do.
But you must understand the feelings I have when you sleep with my closest of friends. The thoughts that run through my head, the feelings that pulse through my heart when I see my best friend in OUR house sleeping in YOUR bed. Do you get me? Do you know how I feel? Or is this all just jargon to you??
Perhaps you are open about your preference and you know what you want from your life. Perhaps you are stable career-wise and now wish to seek the "pleasures" that life has to offer for you before you get ready for your funeral. Perhaps you know nothing better than sucking another guy's cock or bunking around with your own son's best friends.
Perhaps you don't see me eating bread and water everyday to make do with the absence of your financial support, or the wrinkles on my forehead due to the self-inflicted punishments to force myself to study just so that I can finance my own education which you chose not to pay for.
Perhaps you didn’t know that I am seeing counsellors to manage my emotional issues and that suicide is a very real threat to my existence. Perhaps for you, giving me gifts is a means of replacing the fatherly love and concern that a parent is obliged to provide to his or her child. Perhaps for you, ideally I should be left to rot on my own because I have no longer become your concern, ever since you independently decided to “free yourself from all responsibilities as a parent”. Perhaps for you, there is nothing more important than your idiotic need to deny that there are problems in our family due to YOUR choices.
But do know that in making those choices, you are not the only one who pays the consequences.
I still remember lying in bed when I was 9 on a cold night hearing sobs coming from the master bed room. You were nowhere to be seen and all that could be heard were the wails of a woman who desperately sought the attention of her husband whom she chose to marry sometime in the past. I still remember coming home from school one day only to be shocked when I found mom in a foetal position, not responding to any of my prompts or cries. I remember you walking out that door into some other man’s car, whom I’ve never seen or heard of in my life. I remember when I was a 10 year old boy, I saw mom lying lifeless in that wooden case before she was put under a pile of earth, and I remember the look of indifference on your face as though all this didn’t mean anything to you.
Did you also know that mom used to come home from work and the first thing she’d do is cane my behind with a bamboo stick because I refused to kneel down in front of the family altar and pray for you? Mom had an erratic behaviour. She told me that you were in some kind of trouble and that it was my responsibility as a son to pray for your “sins”, without actually telling me what they were. I was punished because of the things you did when you thought nobody was looking.
That guy never cared a rat’s ass about our family, he never bothered about the vows you made when you tied yourself to mom in holy matrimony. Child support was heresy and I was kicked out of the house so that you could turn OUR family home into YOUR fuck-shack. Yet you gave him all the respect, attention and love you never gave mom, and you told me at the age of 8 that I held you back from pursuing your “ideal lifestyle”. You told me that I was a “mistake” and that “the only person who ever wanted to have kids was mom”
I do not know your childhood because you never spoke of it to me. I do not know whether you suffered or whether you had a good life with granddad, and I do not know the pressures and tribulations that you faced as a kid. But I do understand that you are well aware of what it means to suffer, you are well aware what it means not to be loved.
I gave you all that I could. I did all that a filial son could do for his father. I excelled in my studies, did well in my extra curricular life, joined societies and contributed to the community, stayed free from drugs, had a decent teenage life just like any other kid despite the fact that you had no role in my upbringing or financial support, and moreover I managed to come out of the loss of mom single handedly and turn out to be a person who is neither a hopeless case nor a serial killer.
And yet the best thing you could give me was your unending indifference to my needs and my dreams. You said that I was holding you back from your dreams without realising that you were crushing mine with a sledgehammer by deciding to do away with your responsibilities as a father.
Guess what dad, I don’t blame you for the choices that you’ve made, nor am I angry at you even though I know that it was you who drove mom towards taking her own life back then. I only feel sorry for you because you do not realise that you have a very brilliant son who has come out of the atrocities that you inflicted upon him to become a successful and unique individual, and that you will die a very lonely man one day when your sons start turning their backs on you in the very same way that you turned your backs on them the minute you walked out that door.
I am giving you my greatest sympathy for your lack of understanding of these facts, and the failure to realise that unbeknownst to you I have already decided that the only person I will allow to stand near me during my graduation photo shoot will be the photographer.
I will not do so much as to let you take credit for my success, nor to let you bask in the spotlight that I have earned with my own blood and tears.
Do quit telling me what I should do with my life so long as you have your bed warmed by a different man every weekend, especially if that man happens to be one of my many friends. I find it disturbing that you can so casually push aside the guilt of this offence, yet I understand that you are a very decadent person and it is beyond my capacity to comprehend or question your actions anymore.
Besides, you don’t want me to finance you when I graduate, and I take great comfort in that. At least I’ll have spare cash to splurge on Prada.
Yours truly,
A son who doesn't acknowledge your existance.
Fell from the sky at 12:11 AM
11 Comments:
yes yes YES!!! jer i'm so proud of u my fren!!! that's the way it should be!!
stand up for wat u BELIEVE in & FIGHT for it!!!
Just want to let you know I sympathise what you are going through and went through. I guess what matters is that, at the end, you come out on top against all atrocities and I congratulate you for that.
Thanks for your support, guys. Hugs.
i'm glad u r still having the strength and courage to live on the life u r having now... recognising the prob and seeking help
I'm not sure if you should be bitter. It never does anyone any good. Your post made me think of my dad and thats not a subject I like. I'm still not sure how I feel about the whole thing. But since he passed away... I dunno it feels surreal.
so I'm not sure what to say but that each have our own paths to walk and I hope your path isnt that bad. cheerio.
i'm so proud of u dude.. Anyway U grow stronger n stronger from these situation. I believe u would be a successful person one day!
husz: I'm not bitter, really. It's just me letting it off my chest. I'm actually quite happy with my life and the fact that I don't need to worry about someone who doesn't acknowledge me, so life's pretty cool.
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through some tough times, and as much as I hate to say this but perhaps you're much better off by yourself.
I'm sure you still remember the time we were having a drink at the mamak in Tmn Tun and you know what happened right? I was teasing you and the worst happened.
It will be tough and trying, but I'm quite sure you'll weather through it all. And I'm juz a phone call or a sms away :)
*hugz*
Thanks colin. hugs back.
I am speechless for what you have been going through. Hope you doing well in the future.
Pat
I respect you for the strength, and your ability to forgive and move on. You have certainly done great things for yourself, despite having absolutely no support from people who should matter most.
Post a Comment
<< Home