Again

I knew that I was prepared and I was right. Chemistry was a breeze. I know that even if I did bother to study any more than I did I wouldn’t have done any better. Not that I'm stuck up or any of that sort. I knew that I was as prepared as I could be and that there was no upside to improving my standards.

Many of my friends didn't find it easy, and some didn't manage to finish the paper. Good for me, I secretly and selfishly told myself. In that case, may the graph be lowered and the bell-curve approximation work for me. I need to get as high marks as I possibly can not so much for ego but for my scholarship.

But yes, Chemistry took its toll on me. I was extremely tired after the 3 hour paper. Not to mention the cold weather wasn't really helping. Although you could feel the feeble sun rays penetrating through the dense fog every now and then, the air was just filled with misery. By nightfall I had developed a severe headache and the bones on my back were so painful I wish I could take them out and leave them on the sidewalk.

I strained as I got onto the tram on the way home. I can remember that intoxicating feeling. Friday night blues, Chemistry paper over, long holiday before my next paper, lack of sleep and proper nutrition. I felt as though I had a few lines of coke stuffed into my nostrils. My head was spinning so wildly that I couldn't even tug on the cord to signal the tram to stop.

I had a fever by the time I got back and the warm shower that I had just made it worse. I jumped right into bed at 9pm and the ground below me seemed like it was shaky. I couldn't block out the pain that I was feeling at that moment, it just overwhelmed me.

~~~

2pm. I slept for more than 13 hours in that bed. It must have been ages since my room mate got up; his neatly tucked blanket and stacked up pillows indicating that he was already up for the day. Outside the mist was still there, 10 degrees and below perhaps. I don't know, I never stepped out.

The room was warm because I left the fan heater running on timer mode. It had kept blowing hot air for five minutes every hour, just as I've predetermined it the night before. Amazing how technology works for you; you don't really have to worry much about anything else.

But I was worried about myself and what I have gotten myself into. I was back in the "mood". The very feelings I thought I could get away by coming to Melbourne, the very feelings that I was afraid to deal with and the only way to get myself out of it was to take an 8 hour flight south to escape it.

I know what it was like back then, for the people around me to deal with these emotions of mine. My friend described it as sporadic; ever changing from one extreme to the next. I never settled down with one feeling. One minute I could be Madonna and the next I was the Grim Reaper.

I'd blame the fever but maybe that's just an excuse.

I need some comfort food now... Crème Brule and Chocolate Fondue would help.