Fast Pace

I admit that I've been meeting up with too many PLU's lately... in fact I think it is getting out of hand. Too many things are happening too fast and I am no longer in full control

I already told myself, I cannot commit myself to something citing the fact that I'm going off to Australia soon... I'm not ready to face another LDR and I know that it isn't right to play with another person's feelings by giving them false hope

Furthermore I can tell that more strings are getting attached than I intended to have. It is becoming complicated by the day and I know that some people are beginning to have feelings. That's not always a good sign if you aren't genuinely looking for someone.

Some people have subtly moved into my inner circle and I know that I am not strong enough to withstand the urge. I’ve tried everything and told myself everyday that it isn’t worth it but I find myself plunging back into that inner circle, like a nightmare.

When it gets out of control, will I be like Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?

It isn’t common for me to say that I am afraid of myself but now I think I am. I am afraid that subconsciously I would cause ruin to other people’s lives. I am afraid I may not have the know-how to get out of the situation that I’ve created. Keep things simple, I tell myself, and yet it has led to this mass of entanglement.

I may not be a full adult but it is already time for me to grow up and face the consequences of my actions...

I think the SG trip was a real eye opener. I learnt that in this life, we only want what is best for ourselves, save the fact that tomorrow the consequences of our choices may be dire. Instant gratification, instant happiness, instant relationships… these terms are all too common to us and yet we do nothing to combat these evils.

We are brilliant people. Smart and educated, creative and talented but the one thing that we all share in common is that feral need for attention. We all want to be noticed, even if it means for a few short seconds. Give a man a small bit of attention, and you keep him hungry for it for a lifetime

I know that I’ve never been happier… I know that so far, I’ve never seen so much of this life… I know that I want more of this, want to enjoy the feeling that I have now and yet I am afraid I may not be able to cope with the magnitude of the situation.

Am I adult enough?

I have learnt a great deal through these few occurrences. I have learnt that in my inner circle there are a certain few who have successfully deceived me. By not telling me their status, I have, undeniably, initiated what I shouldn't have, and done what I mustn’t do. People can be very cheesy. They say one thing and lead you to believe in something that you don't. Despite all you could know about a person, it still amazes me how much one can cast that magic spell and deceive you. I'm not talking about lies, but more about the act of not-telling-enough.

I told myself early that I am not going to give in to any feelings. I just cut it out whenever they stem, and hope that everything will go away

But along the way I have discovered that with the more I know that with the more contact I establish, the more the feelings will grow. We are like that. Humans are like that. We thrive in closeness and comfort, and when both are available, relationships occur.

Perhaps what some of my friends say is correct. By loving yourself and yourself alone you are saved from the perils of emotional attachment to another person.

I admit I am jealous. I admit that I am a selfish human being, and that I too have my needs. But I also admit that I am afraid.

My decision is to stop it before it goes any further. I will need to learn to detach from the current lifestyle that I am living. I have to know that I alone am in control of my destiny and if I want to safely depart I need to take the necessary action. I need to change.

Is this another step in my life where I am given the opportunity to grow up further?

Life is more important than pleasure. I know that from the bottom of my heart and yet I choose the latter over the former. Why can’t I be happy “just-because”?

I can, I know, because I have. And I’m going to do it again.

“本当に大切なもの以外, 全て捨ててしまえたら, いいのにね, 現実はただ残酷で”