Push Push Push
I have wanted to type this out but I’ve held back, but I don’t think I can do that any longer.
Yes, I know that I’m very privileged to have an opportunity to meet Mahathir. Yes, I know that I’m lucky that I even qualify for scholarship applications, and that I’m articulate, I’m this, I’m that, I’m everything and anything everyone says I am... Please stop reminding me of these
The thing is I’m not sure if I want to be an achiever anymore
I feel that when my father set me up for a meeting with Mahathir, it has done a lot of psychological stress on me. Yes, it is an opportunity for me, and yes, I can handle it if I get my strings right, but now, I feel very pressured to perform
It has always been that way. Pressured to perform
To outdo, outwit, outperform. To be the best. To score straight A's. To join many competitions and come up tops so that it will enhance my CV. To go into good universities. To be eligible for scholarships, and to obtain them. To be bright and to be outstanding.
Initially it was to make my father proud. Having lost him as a father, I instinctively tried to get back his attention by working hard. You can’t blame me for that, I was a kid then. Then from there I saw that my father didn’t care about what I achieved, so I pushed harder. Slowly it became a push to get myself out of my current situation and earn me a better future. I began to push to get me out of this emotional and financial hardship I’m currently dealing with on a daily basis. Also, my father wouldn’t sponsor my tertiary education, so I had to work hard to get scholarships otherwise it will be very tough and I’d need to take loans to get enough money. To avoid incurring debt, I had to work hard, in other words, push harder.
I got the grades. My co-curricular activities were plentiful. But was stressed and upset at the end of the day.
During the first meeting with Mahathir, I was turned down by his private secretary because he said I wasn’t organised enough and I didn’t have enough material. He actually told me, I’m not fit and he wants to reschedule the meeting. Well, what do you expect when you give me 15 hours notice and more so while I’m having a JOB. And please be reminded that THEY are people who deal with PR for many many years; they deal with executives and VVIP’s while I’m just a school kid who has just finished A Levels. What do you expect me to do? How high do you expect me to go? Yes, it is an opportunity to learn, but understand that again, I did what I always did… push myself harder.
Furthermore I can’t just drop everything and leave during my job. People think that just because this stupid scholarship is so much more important than my work, it gives me the right to do what I want in my current job that is deemed “less important”. Well hello. I’ve signed a contract. I can’t walk out on my job. I can’t tell my manager off and do as I like, even if it is a meeting with Mahathir. So what? If it doesn’t benefit my manager, why should he care?
That is why I have quit my job. This Saturday is the last day.
I notice that all the time that he’s been helping me in this Mahathir scholarship application thing; he’s been pushing the responsibility as a father away from himself. The phrases “my father is ill prepared to sponsor me” and “my father has been always supportive of me” frequently come up in many of his edits. All the letters that I sent to him for editing, he saves his own ass.
Yes, he’s only normal to have that kind of intuition. Save his own ass, just as he has been doing for the past 8 years.
Don’t you see? In his eyes, this is an opportunity for him to be “relieved of his duties”. Yes, I may be ungrateful and cynical, but please oh please don’t blame me after having to live with the past 8 years of his doing. If you were in my shoes you’d understand.
Of course, this is an opportunity for me to learn new things, deal with high ranking people, giving me many opportunities to work on speech articulation and writing formal letters… bla bla bla. In laymen’s terms, more pressure to perform.
You have no idea. Sometimes, I feel like I’ve been forced to grow up. I can’t even enjoy my childhood. At 19 years old, I’m seeing Mahathir and I’m trying to convince him to give me a scholarship. How many 19 year olds do that? People my age just want to graduate from university. I, on the other hand am expected to be able to converse with the man of iron, and to be articulate, to know how to deal with people in top posts (my father says I’m hopeless at PR, well, what do you expect! I’ve not worked in PR for many years like him!)
Frankly speaking, I’m sick and tired of working so hard and being an achiever. I WANT TO BE MEDIOCRE. I WANT TO STOP PUSHING. I WANT PEOPLE TO HEAR ME OUT. I WANT TO BE NOTICED, WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT I NEED HELP AND COMFORT
You’d probably say that I’ve been given so many opportunities, that I should be grateful, that I should be happy that I can turn my misfortune around… yes that is true. But think again about what it has done to me. What irreversible damage it has caused me.
People say, look on the bright side. You get a good future for yourself, you get to be proud you’ve made it this far. I already am proud of where I am, as many people in my situation wouldn’t end up getting four A’s for A Levels. Lets be realistic; I’m not trying to praise myself. It is a fact. As for the future, many people have made it even without a degree. Heck, Tan Sri Lim Goh Tong, owner of the Genting Group wasn’t very educated, but now he handles billions of Ringgit in funds.
Nevertheless, it doesn’t make my current life any easier. Sometime I just want to scream and gnaw at my nails because I’m so stressed… so pushed… so cornered
I’m sure you’ve heard of parents in Singapore who have to push their kids so hard so that they can get good grades and with the hope that they’d enter good universities. It is all with good intentions; they want the best for their kids, they want their kids to have opportunities that they didn’t have… all the good reasons.
But what happens to the kids who attend tuition everyday and have to go for piano ballet badminton swimming French lessons violin basketball and all the other activities *to increase the child’s competitiveness*?
They turn mad. They turn against their parents. They commit suicide. They run away from home. They end up turning into delinquents, end up on the opposite end of the spectrum. Why? Because they have been pushed too hard. They can’t take the pressure. Yes, their parents provide them with stepping stones to a good career but they push too hard, and in the end their children break under the stress. I read this real life account about a Singaporean girl who was pushed very hard by her parents. In the end, she got into an Ivy League university in the States and graduated with a First Class Honours. What did she do on graduation day? She sent an email to her parents and said that they’ve robbed her of 18 years of her life, and then poof! She just cut all connection with her parents and disappeared.
Similarly my case is like that. Only difference is that I’m the one who’s pushing myself to excel. In the end, I may just snap.
So now, I want to stop pushing.
I can start by not wanting to meet up with Mahathir. Can I do that?
Nobody is saying yes, nor is my father going to let me off this one.
Yes, I know that I’m very privileged to have an opportunity to meet Mahathir. Yes, I know that I’m lucky that I even qualify for scholarship applications, and that I’m articulate, I’m this, I’m that, I’m everything and anything everyone says I am... Please stop reminding me of these
The thing is I’m not sure if I want to be an achiever anymore
I feel that when my father set me up for a meeting with Mahathir, it has done a lot of psychological stress on me. Yes, it is an opportunity for me, and yes, I can handle it if I get my strings right, but now, I feel very pressured to perform
It has always been that way. Pressured to perform
To outdo, outwit, outperform. To be the best. To score straight A's. To join many competitions and come up tops so that it will enhance my CV. To go into good universities. To be eligible for scholarships, and to obtain them. To be bright and to be outstanding.
Initially it was to make my father proud. Having lost him as a father, I instinctively tried to get back his attention by working hard. You can’t blame me for that, I was a kid then. Then from there I saw that my father didn’t care about what I achieved, so I pushed harder. Slowly it became a push to get myself out of my current situation and earn me a better future. I began to push to get me out of this emotional and financial hardship I’m currently dealing with on a daily basis. Also, my father wouldn’t sponsor my tertiary education, so I had to work hard to get scholarships otherwise it will be very tough and I’d need to take loans to get enough money. To avoid incurring debt, I had to work hard, in other words, push harder.
I got the grades. My co-curricular activities were plentiful. But was stressed and upset at the end of the day.
During the first meeting with Mahathir, I was turned down by his private secretary because he said I wasn’t organised enough and I didn’t have enough material. He actually told me, I’m not fit and he wants to reschedule the meeting. Well, what do you expect when you give me 15 hours notice and more so while I’m having a JOB. And please be reminded that THEY are people who deal with PR for many many years; they deal with executives and VVIP’s while I’m just a school kid who has just finished A Levels. What do you expect me to do? How high do you expect me to go? Yes, it is an opportunity to learn, but understand that again, I did what I always did… push myself harder.
Furthermore I can’t just drop everything and leave during my job. People think that just because this stupid scholarship is so much more important than my work, it gives me the right to do what I want in my current job that is deemed “less important”. Well hello. I’ve signed a contract. I can’t walk out on my job. I can’t tell my manager off and do as I like, even if it is a meeting with Mahathir. So what? If it doesn’t benefit my manager, why should he care?
That is why I have quit my job. This Saturday is the last day.
I notice that all the time that he’s been helping me in this Mahathir scholarship application thing; he’s been pushing the responsibility as a father away from himself. The phrases “my father is ill prepared to sponsor me” and “my father has been always supportive of me” frequently come up in many of his edits. All the letters that I sent to him for editing, he saves his own ass.
Yes, he’s only normal to have that kind of intuition. Save his own ass, just as he has been doing for the past 8 years.
Don’t you see? In his eyes, this is an opportunity for him to be “relieved of his duties”. Yes, I may be ungrateful and cynical, but please oh please don’t blame me after having to live with the past 8 years of his doing. If you were in my shoes you’d understand.
Of course, this is an opportunity for me to learn new things, deal with high ranking people, giving me many opportunities to work on speech articulation and writing formal letters… bla bla bla. In laymen’s terms, more pressure to perform.
You have no idea. Sometimes, I feel like I’ve been forced to grow up. I can’t even enjoy my childhood. At 19 years old, I’m seeing Mahathir and I’m trying to convince him to give me a scholarship. How many 19 year olds do that? People my age just want to graduate from university. I, on the other hand am expected to be able to converse with the man of iron, and to be articulate, to know how to deal with people in top posts (my father says I’m hopeless at PR, well, what do you expect! I’ve not worked in PR for many years like him!)
Frankly speaking, I’m sick and tired of working so hard and being an achiever. I WANT TO BE MEDIOCRE. I WANT TO STOP PUSHING. I WANT PEOPLE TO HEAR ME OUT. I WANT TO BE NOTICED, WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT I NEED HELP AND COMFORT
You’d probably say that I’ve been given so many opportunities, that I should be grateful, that I should be happy that I can turn my misfortune around… yes that is true. But think again about what it has done to me. What irreversible damage it has caused me.
People say, look on the bright side. You get a good future for yourself, you get to be proud you’ve made it this far. I already am proud of where I am, as many people in my situation wouldn’t end up getting four A’s for A Levels. Lets be realistic; I’m not trying to praise myself. It is a fact. As for the future, many people have made it even without a degree. Heck, Tan Sri Lim Goh Tong, owner of the Genting Group wasn’t very educated, but now he handles billions of Ringgit in funds.
Nevertheless, it doesn’t make my current life any easier. Sometime I just want to scream and gnaw at my nails because I’m so stressed… so pushed… so cornered
I’m sure you’ve heard of parents in Singapore who have to push their kids so hard so that they can get good grades and with the hope that they’d enter good universities. It is all with good intentions; they want the best for their kids, they want their kids to have opportunities that they didn’t have… all the good reasons.
But what happens to the kids who attend tuition everyday and have to go for piano ballet badminton swimming French lessons violin basketball and all the other activities *to increase the child’s competitiveness*?
They turn mad. They turn against their parents. They commit suicide. They run away from home. They end up turning into delinquents, end up on the opposite end of the spectrum. Why? Because they have been pushed too hard. They can’t take the pressure. Yes, their parents provide them with stepping stones to a good career but they push too hard, and in the end their children break under the stress. I read this real life account about a Singaporean girl who was pushed very hard by her parents. In the end, she got into an Ivy League university in the States and graduated with a First Class Honours. What did she do on graduation day? She sent an email to her parents and said that they’ve robbed her of 18 years of her life, and then poof! She just cut all connection with her parents and disappeared.
Similarly my case is like that. Only difference is that I’m the one who’s pushing myself to excel. In the end, I may just snap.
So now, I want to stop pushing.
I can start by not wanting to meet up with Mahathir. Can I do that?
Nobody is saying yes, nor is my father going to let me off this one.
Fell from the sky at 1:32 AM
3 Comments:
i agree with darius. make a choice...don't be pushed to a road you'll regret going down to in the next 5 or 10 years.
I think at this moment I'm looking for a degree just as a qualification.
I know I like to deal with people and I like to travel places, but I don't want to do a degree in Management or Mass Comm or HR because I feel the degrees are boring. The job is grand, but the degrees (i.e. theory) is just not something I would do.
Besides, doing a science degree allows you to cross disciplines. Don't you think so?
mass comm is not an option i'd advise... its over-saturated. everyone who's clueless about what to do turns there...that's a lot of people.
i say figure out what exactly you want to do, so you won't have to switch around. i do agree with darius when he said that changing disciplines, i mean, why would your future employer choose YOU? over the one with the science degree over another who has a more relevant degree?
Post a Comment
<< Home