You'd never know

My grandfather, who is my mother's father, passed away this morning. When I was informed about it I was still sleeping, so it didn't really click in my mind. But after a while the truth sunk in. My grandfather had passed away.

To me, it comes at a very peculiar time. I have been questioning my future and thinking about all the possible things that can and cannot happen in terms of my education when I forget to live the life that I am supposed to live, because like my grandfather who did not know when his time was, I don't know when I will be lying in a box and buried six feet under. It could be today, it could be tomorrow, it could be 50 years time. Nobody but God knows.

And here he is, this man, my grandfather, who did not know when his time was. Just a week earlier my grandmother had visited me in KL and she had spoken of my grandfather. He sounded as though he was living a pretty normal life. My best guess is that he died of lung cancer as he is an avid smoker, but then again it could have been of old age or any other medical illness. Probably nobody guessed that it was time for him to go, probably not himself either.

I don't know the current situation or how my grandmother is responding to this, but I know that I will be unable to visit her this weekend because I am not entitled to leave because of the "death of a non-immediate family member". I can't take no-pay-leave too because weekends are the busy periods and I am unable to swap shifts as we are short of staff. In simple terms, I cannot attend the funeral nor accompany my grandmother.

As much as I hate this, I have no choice. This stupid job has taken away the life out of me, and my freedom, and now I am missing my grandfather's burial.

I have planned to take leave next week and try to go down to meet my grandmother, just to check on how she is doing. I know that I would have been too late to see my grandfather's face for the last time, but now I guess it isn't all that important as I have not been very close to him. The last time I met him was more than 10 years back, when I was still a small boy. I have been closer to my grandmother though. Right now, I am thinking about ways to help my grandmother get out of this

I know that she is a very frail and fragile woman. She didn't respond to my mother's death very well, so God knows how much she'd respond to the death of her husband. But I think that she has ample support from the rest of the family, the only thing she needs now is physical presence. There really is nothing anybody can say to make her feel better or to change things, but being there, just making yourself present as a form of showing support for her; that is the best remedy

How do I know this? I lost my mother before so I know that there really is nothing you can say to someone who's lost a loved one. You just gotta be there for them.

How can I be there for her when I’m working?

I'll try to go down to Ipoh next week and spend at least a day with her. Yes, I may have missed the burial, yes I may have missed the crowd of relatives whom I've not really known or whom I've not really spoken to for the past 10 years or so, whom have been silent and non-existent in my life even until now, yes I may have missed the tears and the silence, but I would not have missed my grandmother. She'd still be there, God willing.

So I'll go to meet her and convey my condolences, but more importantly be there for her in person, and mean it sincerely. I think that is the greatest gift that someone can give to another who's lost a person dear to them.

God bless my grandfather's soul and forgive him of all his wrongdoings. God bless my grandmother that she may be able to cope with it.

She'll make it through, I know. All she needs is a little helping hand and a show of support.

Don't we all, don’t we all.