onegayboy

The End

2008-10-17T12:21:00.000+11:00

Today is the last day I'll post on this blog.

I'm moving to livejournal.

See ya.

Cold

2008-10-12T05:58:00.002+11:00

As I write this I know the voices in my head are screaming for help. I've let this problem fester; left untreated this infectious wound has become gangrene. Now is the time to make a decision to sever it off or to die with it.

I'm not getting any input from the other side. I feel alienated from my own thoughts, my own feelings and my own needs. At the same time I want this relationship to work I realise I'm the only one clapping.

I've romantacised having someone I could hold in bed, wake up and have sex between the sheets, do silly things together, those sort of idealistic fantasy-world things. We don't do them. All I see is hurt, anger, distance and the feeling of helplessness.

There's been a breakdown in communication, we're not talking about the issues we have and I'm definitely not getting any input from his behaviour. I'm going to sit him down and try to get his side of the story later today; wish me luck.

Premonitions?

2008-10-06T05:26:00.002+11:00

After six hours attempting to complete my essay I am flat out. At this hour the only sounds are from my keyboard, Connex trains on the Sydenham/Werribee lines, trucks on Footscray Rd and the hum of my trusty portable fan.

I quite like having the room to myself; on my table I've built up a collection of things that make me happy. Ear rings/studs from a while ago. Little cutouts of pusscat hidden between pieces of wrapping paper. A bottle of Jungle Juice, half used. I love them all.

Nightmares. It's unusual to have these dreams so early in the day. I've had exactly thirty seven minutes on my pillow but that's enough time to make me reconsider sleeping. It was a dream about mom, she was making me eat soap because I didn't do my homework. Tiny fragments of memory are all that's left of her.

Pampering myself in front of the heater is indulgence; I'm sure pusscat would agree. Greville St. One year ago we were happy, pusscat was healthy and the world was predictable. I miss how he climbed limb onto my lap to say "hug me, bitch". He's gone now.

How do you deal with self-righteousness? Yesterday I thought I was the best person in the world; for the first time I looked at my body in the mirror and considered touching myself, now I didn't mean it that way but I felt I would do me.

Daniel is still coping with a few issues/insecurities of his own, mainly sleep issues I think. I've let myself breathe a little; these days I am beyond obsessing. Maybe I'm still grieving?

Two apartments. I'd like to have one for myself and one for him. Then I can make a little space for myself without intrusions, lavish myself on furniture and fittings he will grudgingly admire, cook horrible smelling things to his disgust and plant a forest in the corner of my brown/beige lounge. Everything will be brown/beige. Straight lines. Clean surfaces. Because minimalist decor seeks feelings, not provides it. Clutter reduces my ability to think.

I admit I'm scared but happy. I have twelve whole weeks to feel good about this place.

Direction

2008-10-01T01:43:00.004+10:00

I've been thinking long and hard about the way forward.

Two years later and people are casting doubts on my ability to stay focused. I can't blame them.

Rummaging through the pile of crap on my table I can see what I've started to do. Hoard. I'm letting things accumulate, putting them in little stacks in descending order of importance. Leave it for later. Everything according to priority and space in this universe.

Things have been going really slowly. Been to Euroa for a 21st birthday party. Had some time to think on the paddocks and granite outcrops that dotted it. Lots of unhealthy bogan food to keep my tummy unhappy. Great company, lots of beer and other mysterious things, more time to think. And kissing the lips of a guy not into me, not so clever.

But a weekend away nonetheless. Now it's back to basics, back to searching for direction. Or rather thinking a lot about the arrival of the direction than the direction itself.

Because when I find it I want to be able to say, "told you it was coming".

Filter

2008-09-23T05:18:00.005+10:00

This blog started off as neutral territory, a space where I could say everything and anything I wanted. Over the years it has gradually accumulated a small following of people many whom are real-life friends. Truth is lately I've been wanting to say a lot of things but because I know the readers I often excuse myself from touching on 'sensitive' issues. I feel I have let everybody down.

Have I not learned, growing up in pseudo-democracy, the pain of censorship?

I'm shuffling across my music selection which has remained static for 4 months. Music is a proxy for writers block? Every second sentence I write is censored. When have I ever been into Usher? Never. Pink Floyd now. I remember the last time I let Syd Barrett lose I was in the same head space.

I am ANGRY because I can't write this properly. I hate knowing that he will read this and then go, 'wait a minute, that's not accurate, take that back'.

But if I can't do it here then where else can I?

Love makes you do crazy things, insane things. Things in a million years you'd never see yourself do. But there you are doing them... can't help it.

Slack

2008-09-15T01:35:00.002+10:00

In order to give myself a break I've decided that fatty foods, alcohol, unhealthy sleeping habits and poor nutrition must go. I've been cutting myself some slack just to cope but after a while you get addicted to those things. Note to self: content for counselling session on Wednesday!

Actually when I'm not busy sleeping I have heaps of spare time which I then waste in front of the telly in front of the lappy doing something crappy. Like Manhunting.

Daniel's away in Perth for the week so I have the whole house to myself. I'm torn; tonight its either I sleep on his bed so I can wallow in his scent, or I sleep in mine and wake up feeling lost, confused and in need of a big hug.

Come back soon? It seems strange now that you're gone.

The Horror

2008-09-13T01:59:00.005+10:00

A whole, fucking $160.88 for a 3 course meal and some dumplings. The service was rubbish, the tea was diluted, the decor roadkill and the food was revoltingly salty. So why do people pay to eat there? Maybe they've never been overseas to see what real Asian food is like, because we Malaysians would NEVER pay for this shit.

We were informed that the san choi pau was for 4 people, but after ordering it we discovered it was actually $10.95 per serve. Problem was, this was still $2.75 more than the price in the menu but no, we didn't stand up and demand a refund. Why? Angmoh says we shouldn't. So that's like fucking off $40 for three tablespoons of rice on a leaf of lettuce.

Oh and $3 cups of tea. Each.

"Dear Herald Sun...", I see a juicy story in the making - "Chinese Restaurant Rip Off - How the Beijing Olympics got funded".

88th

2008-09-10T01:26:00.005+10:00

Sometimes I wish ostriches would teach me the fine art of head-burial.

Daniel has decided I should go along to grandma's 88th to meet 'the rest of the family'. Very talkative and intuitive family. All of a sudden I was the ignoramus who stumbled over simple topics like politics, climate change, IP rights and botany - my own specialty.

The younger ones looked at me like I was onekind. Daniel only introduced me to a select few adults leaving the young ones presumably wondering how this Chinaboy fits into the grand scheme of things. I even considered the interesting dynamic: "technically-I'm-your-cousin-in-law"

Daniel's father took me to his shed and showed me his tools (a very gay sentence already!). A complete workshop; he makes wooden bowls and the house is cluttered with them. He quickly went into a rant about swamp paperbark; Melaleuca ericifolia - it takes 2 years of air drying with no guarantee of results. A mouldy half-finished bowl lay in the corner.

"Don't you have a kiln?" I heard myself say hastily, before realising what an ass I am.

~

Been recovering from a major sore throat. I don't usually get sick so it's unusual to spend on pharmaceuticals - especially OD'ing on Strepsils. I've lost all interest in men; the past 7 days has seen me turn down 5 gorgeous looking men of varying ages/built, all without reason. What's happening?

Shifty's ashes finally returned on the 8th (Monday) and it lives on the storage unit for now. I've made progress - I no longer bawl like I used to though I'm still haunted by flashbacks of Shifty in the cat box at Lort Smith. It seems I harp on mostly the bad things. I've been looking at his photos to fill the void and in the meantime Daniel helps by supplying hugs where Shifty left off. I still doubt the current dose will suffice.

Going to the shrink tomorrow to unload another round of crap. Do shrinks like being hugged?

Missing?

2008-09-02T01:45:00.009+10:00

The house is quiet except for the blare of the TV; I feel something is missing.

Two empty bowls on the floor, an empty cat house in the corner, cold and unused. These things are ghostly and I'm starting to feel quite fragile... Hopefully next week his ashes will arrive back from the crematorium; it's the perfect excuse for a weekend in Wilson's Prom where we could could ~~have sex on Mt Oberon~~ scatter his ashes. But cats hate water, a friend pointed out. Daniel jokingly said there's no way he'd put the ashes over our doona (his favourite afternoon-nap surface).

I'm not taking this grieving process seriously. I'm joking about it then quickly changing the topic to distract myself, or finding other things to obsess about. In short I haven't identified my feelings - that's what the shrink is for. He (the shrink) seems content I can keep talking and doesn't bother interjecting me. How is that helpful? And that CCB charges for every session (damn the government doesn't pay for it). Suddenly I'm wondering why this healing process should fucking cost me more money after the vet bill fiasco; maybe the real lesson is learning how to not panic when I need to spend.

In Memory of Shifty

2008-08-28T02:24:00.004+10:00

Many thanks to Daniel for picture no. 3

Shifty

2008-08-27T01:20:00.004+10:00

We did the best we could. I have to keep telling myself that.

After two weeks of drama pusscat didn't get better. The meds made him throw up even more; by 9pm he was very weak, dehydrated and unable move around the house. This is what cats do when they're terribly ill - they go into the darkest corner of the house and sit there waiting to die. It was difficult pulling him out of his little house to give him a hug; his muscles would tense up as I lifted him onto my shoulders. He was suffering and it was time to let him go

~

"It's not fair", I hear myself selfishly saying in between tears. Death has always been a huge issue for me. Daniel has been very strong in this; he had to hold me in bed and continually reassure me that everything was going to be okay.

Puss was a fighter who lived life the best he could. We talked about how he used to sit on my bed in the sun, lie on my lap when I had dinner, sit on the windowsill to watch the birds, scratch our sofa to sharpen his claws, rest in front of the fireplace to warm his tummy...

But also how we used to hug in bed and he'd appear out of nowhere, meowing loudly as if to say "where's MY hug???" He was such a ratbag. A princess. But we had good times together; he trusted us, we loved him and he loved us back. He will always be our boy-o.

We were by his side till the very end, holding him close to us. I am going to miss you so much, Shifty. I have always, always loved you.

Shifty, aged 4 years
26.08.08, 2300hrs.

Small

2008-08-24T02:16:00.003+10:00

Let's face it. The Olympics makes you feel small. Big buildings. Superheroes who do insane things in the name of a thing-you-hang-around-your-neck. And today with gay Australian diver Matthew Mitcham winning gold for diving, it makes me wonder if I've achieved anything spectacular?

I'm already 22 but I haven't done anything inspiring. I can't operate a drill, don't know how to dance, can't cook, can't play instruments, hopeless at sports, hopeless at writing, socially incompetent and mildly retarded; I can't seem to do anything special? I can't even remember the names of the people I meet, or of movies I've watched, or things I've read.

So I'm brain dead too :/

This is not a beat-myself-up post. I see people around me doing great things, including the olympians (which I have come to hate) and I wonder if I'm merely leaving footsteps while other people leave dents in society?

I'm confined to my room most days. I don't have many friends. Any spare time is divided between TV, daniel, Packrat, internet and sleeping. I have meaningless conversations on MSN, can't develop a social circle, don't have any spectacular achievements in uni, I don't fucking read books, have a fluctuating academic track record, am neither favoured nor hated by my peers; really, I'm just sort of mediocre...

...because I want myself to be?

While other people are making their mark in the world I'm walking along at my own pace doing absolutely fuck-all, and then people wonder why I feel insecure? I'm surrounded by greatness!

Or am I blind towards my own? I feel so small, confused and retarded that it isn't funny.

Back

2008-08-22T02:01:00.003+10:00

The pusscat is back. The incompetent vet only suggested a liver biopsy after day 5; she already knew it was a liver problem from day 2 but chose to play the hit-and-miss game, trying out a range of treatments that didn't work costing us our life savings.

We couldn't go through with the biopsy - no cash! We stopped short of putting him to rest and luckily we did because he perked up, allowing us to bring him home. He looks much better now but we still don't know what's wrong with him. That ~~motherfucking cunt~~ vet put him on a cocktail of medications and he is starting to regain appetite which is comforting.

But how long before he becomes too ill to be saved again? This is a form of mental torture; I feel we are delaying his eventual euthanasia at a time when I'm already fragile from uni amongst other things. As long as the cat continues to eat and purr I console myself he's alright, but at the back of my head I'm already preparing myself for a return visit; hopefully that will happen in many years, not weeks.

Puss

2008-08-21T16:37:00.005+10:00

He's fallen sick over the weekend and we've sent him to the vet. While I'm freaking out about the vet bills, Daniel is freaking out about puss. I'm letting money get in the way of my emotions because I know I will miss this cat when he leaves us

But after 6 days he's been there I'm starting to see that money isn't the most important thing to have

This is not the first time he's been critically ill but it is the worst. His liver enzymes are critically high; bags of saline, antibiotics, ultrasounds and a shot of Cortisone later and puss is not getting any better. We've made the tough decision to put him to sleep.

I hate the fact I get ritualistic about everything. I want puss to get to play around in our home for a little while longer. I want him to eat his favourite food. Sleep in his favourite house. Spend the night curled next to me while I'm in bed, nudging me all night. I want him to catch his spiders, claw the carpet, do his little meow to say 'hi', and climb up onto my chest when I'm having dinner just to rub his cheek against my chin. I want him to do all that before he goes

But time is running out; he's rapidly deteriorating and I sincerely hope not in too much pain. I don't want the last person he sees to be the vet; I want it to be me and Daniel. I want to have a chance to say goodbye. I want him to know we love him very much. I want it to be perfect.

And in the middle of these idealistic and selfishly thought-out scenarios I see myself unable to accept him leaving. Death has always been a big issue for me, but tonight I need to be strong, to hold Daniel's hand in mine and go in with a strong heart because Pusscat must never know that I'm weak, emotional and afraid; all the qualities that even he as a cat has never had.

Attention

2008-08-20T02:09:00.004+10:00

There's something about my Manhunt profile that has attracted a lot of attention in recent days. All these bottoms; they're messaging me in the dozens. I don't think I've changed any of the texty stuff so it must be the new pictures of me in a head harness?

Either way, I'm enjoying the attention. I think.

Week 3

2008-08-16T02:05:00.004+10:00

Time is moving quite quickly. Judging from the amount of work I'm handling after only 3 weeks I'd say I'm doing pretty horribly. But no despair; I usually pick up at the end of semester when I gorge on powerbars and my brain is in hyperspace (from alcohol/drugs?).

My boss has been pressuring me to take up more work because she needs to meet her own targets. So she offloads it to me hoping I'd lap it up eagerly like I've done in the past but now I'm like mehhh. I hope she still gives me work though. The other day she called and the line got cut off as I entered the City Loop on a train; she thought I went into a fit and slammed the phone on her. Bless her, she's so cute. We're okay though.

I've started to develop a horrible back problem from hunching in front of my laptop. Work is interspaced with 3 hour sessions of Packrat, goss column reading and cruising. I'm constantly being distracted by the *ping* of a message on Manhunt because it gives me more internalised validation than my work. Most of the time it's a false alarm but occasionally I get the odd guy with a ~~nice tight arse~~ nice face.

I bought some Korean honey waffle cookies for Daniel and he wolfed it down in under 4 days. Next time I need to get those coconut ones instead (he hates coconut) so I can have it all to myself.

Stud

2008-08-13T17:33:00.001+10:00

I've taken out my tongue stud.

Aside from excessively worrying about the increased risk of STDs, I'm also sick of removing it, brushing it, playing with it, chipping my teeth and having just about every top wanting me to suck them off.

There's a little hole on my tongue where my piercing used to be, and I must admit I feel quite naked without it.

Day

2008-08-11T00:04:00.004+10:00

I am afraid of getting old.

It's raining heavily, I'm tucked into the pile of work in front of me eating the most unhealthy snack known to man (instant noodles). It's cold but I refuse to wear warm clothes so the heater is working overtime.

At the other end, he's fast asleep in his bed oblivious to all my activities. Manhunt to keep me company because 'just looking' calms me down, how weird is that. But tonight the people are either rude wrinkly weird hairy fat, or a combination of these. I am a bitch.

And I'm afraid I will one day be like them - rude wrinkly weird hairy AND fat so it's unfortunate I'm starting the day with this mindset; in the evening it will just be me, the cat and dxniel in the comfort of our suburban apartment with the heater on full blast and cheesy TV shows blaring on the TV, tucking into cake to celebrate me

As of today I'm no longer 'just legal'.

Cheers to me.

MIFF

2008-08-09T23:27:00.007+10:00

Watched a movie called West 32nd, a story about Korean gangsters (who speak American) and lawyers (whoever thought the two were compatible). Dxnixl's choice so it had violence blood and all the gory scenes he loves. I had a hard time adjusting to the cinema seats that were built for midgets... and when the movie finally took off my sleepy mind was busy doing other things (well ok some of the characters had nice shoulders). So I don't really know if I enjoyed it?

It was weird.

On a different note, the launch of the Beijing Olympics was a load of shit. Seriously... children in ethnic costumes holding hands and smiling?? I don't think it was an accurate depiction of a people slaughtered and culturally 'reconditioned'. I won't even start talking about the self-glorification and in your face display of power.

I kept hoping there would be a terrorist attack and a plane would crash through the stadium, killing everyone. That would have been so much more fun (hey, great publicity!), don't you think?

Hotham

2008-08-03T02:13:00.009+10:00

Had an unexpected (albeit pricey) reprieve at Hotham. Taking a wrong lift took me to a string of black runs with 60 degree slopes; I was scared so I took my skis off and sat at the edge of the slope overlooking the creek 100m below.

My mistake to down those 4 extra glasses of water. With bladder pressure building I could've pissed in my pants if they weren't rented. It was freaking scary; this slope had gnarly trees surrounding an impossibly steep path with packed snow and skiers going at 10590871908kmph past me. And I won't even PRETEND that I'm novice.

It wasn't cold enough so I started getting moist under the layers. You know how you sweat and plastic sticks to your skin? Well that. Whoever thought making it waterproof INSIDE OUT was a brilliant idea needs to get his/her head bashed against a wall. So I start stripping down to my tank top (seriously it wasn't THAT cold), attracting the curious onlookers who sneer at me. Bloody hospitality.

While I'm busy thinking of an escape plan it starts snowing. Gorgeous. But I quickly discover that snow actually makes you WET. So putting on my Parka I reseal the moisture in, this time COLD moisture fuckk so I'm left doubly uncomfortable, scared like a chook and in desperate need of a piss...

So running out of options I cling onto my skis and slide down the full length of the slope on my fat butt. One of those rare occasions when I'm glad I'm slightly fat.

~

Seriously how do angmohs go about being filthy? Genetic or learned behaviour? Our lodge had a dishwasher but these people, obviously crippled by their whiteness, had no intention of scrubbing their plates and utensils BEFORE putting them into the machine. And coincidentally I was in charge of *dishes* for the day. What joy. Scraping day-old minced beef and pulverised I-do-not-know-what from forks/spoons/plates is a GREAT way to end an already terrifying day at the snowfields.

I'm not even going to mention what I saw on the floor after that. Kinda makes me wonder if all that money spent was actually worth it?

More skiing tomorrow. I will be careful to read signs this time.

Home

2008-07-30T00:57:00.013+10:00

Forgive me if this post sounds like it was carelessly composed. In fact it comprises many separate paragraphs written on different dates, stitched together to form a mash.

So we're finally back after 2 weeks in Malaysia/Singapore. The hardest part was getting off the plane; Melbourne welcomed us with fog, rain and 5 degree winds. And to top it off I was jetlagged, dxnixl was cranky, luggage was heavy and my bank account had nothing in it. Joy.

This visit has taught me a lot about myself. KL itself has morphed beyond familiarity; my usual hangouts are gone, swallowed by the angry metropolis of ugly buildings, Protons and coloured people. I had forgotten how to respond to cues like looking in both directions before crossing the road, asking the taxi driver if he will take you to where you want to go BEFORE you step in, or eating with a spoon (yes, seriously). I've never felt so un-Malaysian.

New clubs have come and gone and I'm proud to say the gay clubs definitely delivered. My friends have changed. Some have become ultra gay, others attached and the usual suspects have become so alien that I couldn't muster the courage to meet them over coffee.

Ah, coffee. Without his usual morning fix of Melbourne-style lattes I had to deal with his daily morning PMS. Also the lack of angmoh breakfasts. I just didn't know how to tell him at the time to "fucking get over it", so I accepted his scolding like a bitch and felt really bitter and dirty afterwards.

We were too ambitious with our holiday plans so everything seemed rushed. Also opting to stay with my father was the biggest mistake of the trip. Initially meant to help save on costs, it was severely lacking in comfort. Moving out to a hotel bordering KLCC was hastily made to cement the cracks that were developing and it was an epic save. However Langkawi reversed the trend with their exceptionally horrid service, and Penang food has turned him off Melbourne's Asian-style food forever (yay!).

Singapore offered him some reprieve and he absolutely LOVED it (as per my prediction), and our stay with a friend was fantastic (bless her). We even did the Singapore flyer and a quick dinner with my closest relative was really emotional (in the best way possible). Great clubbing at St. James Powerhouse although not so hot Singaporen boys were perving at gorgeous me all night. *wink*

I later asked him, "Why don't we ever have make up sex?"

"well we don't argue very much!"

~

He has been offered a few jobs in KL and Singapore. In particular I have decided that Honours is not for me and so I will graduate this December. Which means, more responsibilities, less protection and the eventual move-home-to-Malaysia.

OCD

2008-07-05T00:25:00.002+10:00

And I do it again.

I'm constantly computing the logistics in my head. Step 1. Step 2. Step 3. Backup plan in case of an emergency. Price. Discounts. Figures. Numbers. Letters. I'm making this holiday into one big mathematical equation.

Because I'm scared of just doing as-is. In 12hrs I will be boarding a plane. That itself is a scary thought. Dxnixl hasn't even packed. He'll do it tomorrow.

Which is perhaps something I can never do. I said to him I will do all the booking, worrying and suffering because it's *my* country and I should know better. So I've done it. Down to getting spare Ringgit so we're not stranded in a worst case scenario (whatever that may be). But it's slowly becoming apparent that I simply enjoy being obsessive compulsive, and this whole trip is just one big excuse to get worked up.

Apparently, stress turns me on. Big time.

Jitters

2008-07-04T01:43:00.004+10:00

On a Thursday night, at Golden Monkey drinking cocktails with a friend. This place... I've been here so many times and I still like it. Here I had 1L sake with dxnixl when we first started dating. Here I had birthday parties, meetings, events and dramas. This place is scandalous but I'm loving every bit of it.

But I go for the most boring drink of all = a Lychee martini.

I bought dxnixl a very nice Samsonite travel bag costing me a fortune. But it's sturdy with a 4yr warranty and he needs to move away from his... lets say... CHEAPER luggage. It's only 48 hrs till we leave for Malaysia and I'm already having the pre-travel jitters. Thinking about the million of things that could go wrong on this trip. OCD is a constant battle between the voices in my head and my sanity.

Tomorrow we also take the cat to the cat hotel but because of his condition (FIV) he will have to be isolated from other cats. Which is a real worry; will he get enough space to play around? Food - is it tasty enough for him? Strangely I've become attached to our cat even though I promised myself I wouldn't. I will miss him very much. Did I just say OUR cat?

I'm distracting myself from the bigger questions like how do I manage this relationship to the best of my ability. It's good that he's becoming more cheerful because of this trip, but what happens after? Back to the same old routine? We need to find new ways to have fun together not new excuses to have a shout.

Apple crumble. The friend wants to have it and I can't for my life think of a place to get it. So we end up at Crown, in a restaurant facing the Yarra, having sinfully rich pudding with ice cream and coffees, when my friend goes "yeah I'd like to try that with you". Not paying attention, I spin my head and go "what, what, what??"

"Try boots."

"Oh."

~

This is the last train to leave Flinders St station. It's cold outside; condensation is forming on the train windows and trickling down onto the carriage floor.

Getting home I find dxnixl fast asleep with pusscat right next to him. I'm in love.

My Kind of Guy

2008-06-26T17:26:00.001+10:00

"that's why you see for the first time, exco makan nasi bungkus"

Love it.

New

2008-06-22T13:58:00.004+10:00

Three holes indeed.

And it's like, omg I'm speaking like a three year old. Dxnixl is having fun doing this to me. INSULTING MY SPEECH. He loves it when I trip over the d's and the t's, so he asked me to pronounce 'detention' and I fell right into it.

But otherwise he's having a shit time with my new piercings. I think he's worried I will one day come home with breasts and pink pantyhose. Actually it's kind of cute that he's taking so much offense in the 'new me'. It's like I enjoy all the attention I'm getting.

So I've learned that the tongue is very important for eating. This is after I had marmalade toast and a banana - lets just say blood tastes better when you're not actually in pain. And no, two front teeth cannot be used to chew through toast.

Mental note: get babyfood.

The toilet is also feeling the shits (literally). Everything out my end is wet, lumpy, gooey, and oh so yucky. This is what happens when you have soup four times in a row.

And yes I saw bits of corn (from the Minestrone). This is going to be an interesting recovery.

Is?

2008-06-20T18:15:00.003+10:00

Blink.

Blink.

Blink.

I am having trouble writing. Taking some time out on a Friday night, just sitting at home with the cat and the stereo in the background. Well actually the cat is sitting on me. Warm pussy yum.

Tomorrow I will get three holes in me. Which is great I think; I'm finally getting the hang of dealing with this kind of shit. Oh dear lord the lady downstairs is listening to NIN. Which would be fine if she was 50 years younger. I must say I'm pretty shit at music for a 21yo. Shame on me.

And don't ever think about laser hair removal if you're a wuss. Don't believe the ads - it REALLY hurts. And this is the first in a total of 5 sessions. Ouch.

Switch

2008-06-17T03:26:00.010+10:00

My computer is giving me the shits. Everytime I come up with a thought, the screen goes dead black. This is the fifth time I'm typing this out, and if it crashes again so be it I'm off to bed. Time to think about splurging on a Powerbook.

Same old shit. Arguing a lot more now; we get into each other's head space and there's no way out other than our respective rooms. He sees himself 'fathering' me, I see myself 'expecting it'. Within two months of intense work/play/study we've become father-and-son. What a FANTASTIC thought, don't you think. But at least we can still talk (major plus point).

This time I'm the emotional vampire. Note to self: book in for an appointment to see a counselor. I need to get it out of my system fast before he packs up and leaves.

Which is a real worry. I've seen people leave me; mom dad brother relatives friends pseudo-friends. Every time it happens I go into a panic attack trying to salvage what's left of it, making it worse because I fuck that up too. And then they truly and wholly take a one-way-ticket-out-of-my-life, I go into depression, burn through my MSN list and finally go out like a flame.

It took me 2 years to get over Chris, my first ever major meltdown. What I find difficult is not the "being single" part (which I love) but the act of someone leaving. Back then it constituted huge bouts of unprotected sex, alcohol abuse, midnight excursions to secluded spots, and an ocean of tears. Climbing up again was difficult and it took many failed attempts of self-harm to finally say, "I'm going to sit in a corner and milk the unhappiness out until there's none left."

I'm generally a happy person these days, a far cry from the vampire I used to be. But every now and then I slip; I go back to being Mr Hyde in short doses and just like the story I'm losing control over the frequency of those slips. If I don't act quickly to remedy it then all may be lost.

Downtime

2008-06-16T00:03:00.001+10:00

I'm sulky.

Spiralling quickly into depression.

That's all.

Knights of Cydonia

2008-06-14T02:04:00.004+10:00

I'll show you how God sleeps on the job.

The intro reminds me vaguely of theme songs from computer games from the early 90's, the ones where you had to plug into your TV set and play off a console. There's definitely some superhero theme here. Think testosterone and war.

Compared to Absolution this song is absolute fucking rubbish. The apocalyptic theme is still there but the song could do with a bit more variance. Here it just repeats itself like a broken tape recorder. Bellamy's composition is still brilliant. Unlike Absolution, Knights of Cydonia grows on you. You need to play it several times, turn the volume up and let the composition kill you before you finally appreciate it.

Closer to Queen and a departure from Radiohead's incessant nagging, this album is what you want it to be. Radical. Meaningless. You decide, as they spin away madly and repeat every second sentence in their absurd lyrics. Highly recommended.

Apple Again

2008-06-10T20:32:00.006+10:00

Steve Jobs announces the newest 3G iPhone (8GB and 16GB), with Vodafone, Optus and Telstra already confirming they will stock the phone in Australia. The news comes as loyal fans express their anger over the huge drop in prices, a huge US$400 difference from just over a year ago. Apple has also done a total back flip, deciding to release the phone in 3G, previously citing battery life concerns for its omission from earlier models.

Wait a minute. Sound familiar? Remember the beating that Apple shares took when just 2 months after releasing the iPhone they decided to drop the price by 30%? The best explanation Steve Jobs could come up with was that "that's technology". Whilst I accept that price reductions are inevitable, these shock reductions could also be drastic measures to increase sales - not hallmarks of a SUCCESSFUL BRAND. Apple did not expect people to snub their $599 creation; after all they tried to ride on the success of other products completely forgetting that the handset market is already saturated with cheaper, technologically more advance no-strings-attached options. The only thing they had going for them was LOOKS since everything else about the iPhone had already been tried, tested and reinvented to death (by Nokia, for instance). They also ended up scrapping the 4GB model because it was unpopular... don't tell me they didn't know that was coming. Seriously.

I admit I almost jumped the boat but looking back now thank god I'm not GENERIC. This is certainly not the Apple I grew up with - I guess once you go mainstream everything is compromised. Think Smashing Pumpkins, Coldplay and Silverchair. A quick check on eBay and the 2G phones are still selling for over AU$700. These "early-birds" never learn.

Same Game

2008-06-10T02:01:00.007+10:00

God Save The Queen; Rawhide party 11 days before the exams = the right thing to do. $250 later and I'm not so sure, but the night was a long one, Alcopops are expensive (classy though) and Rawhide is different when you're chemically altered in a sea of naked men.

You think that turning up on your own is a great idea in case you pick up but having unmet expectations is not cool. For me clubbing is a conscious decision to bare yourself - whether you're gorgeous or gross, wasted or sober; everybody is watching, judging, selecting and eliminating. Things-I-Do-To-Feel-Precious

But today I was determined to have wicked fun, and so I did.

~

For a moment there I felt conscious I was dancing alone but god saved this queen - chemicals knocked me back and the podium was all mine for 7hrs. The effect carried on till the afterparty; a quick KFC with, of all people, ryan, before snubbing him.

The comedown was a bit rougher - it was my turn to get snubbed. Dxnixl reckons I was pushing my youth in-their-face. Either way people started avoiding eye contact, turning their backs to me, giving me the evil-eye. So just like Lacey Chabert (Gretchen) in Mean Girls, I shot back the look of "I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me... but I can't help it that I'm so popular..."

I know, right?

Cab home all by myself. I had a lovely night.

~

Me: "Why did we ever stop coming here"
D: "Because everybody started"

My "Sex and the City" moment in Globe. But a hearty Spanish Breakfast followed by Borders is a welcome return to society. Dxnixl is always holding my hand (or me on a leash, whichever is more romantic) which stops me from falling hard after a trashy night out. Sometimes I wonder how I'd ever stand up again if not for his constance. And to top it off he cooked me spag bol for dinner. I now feel the need to be punched every time I nag about the dishes :/

Insatiable

2008-06-05T03:33:00.003+10:00

Yeah, cam-whore.

Even though I'm not eating/sleeping well, I still manage quite a few wanks of pornographic proportions; for my age that is seriously normal.

I hate that S word "study" and all its abbreviations. I'm starting to get the hang of sleeping at 4am and waking at 10am which is terribly irresponsible but nothing unusual. Dxnixl on the other hand is really working hard. Past week he did a conference in Sydney, random meetings and a newsletter which is someone else's work. I see myself demanding more quality time because he's always going to bed at like, 9pm and I'm always asleep when he leaves the house. We've become so out-of-sync it's not funny.

Work is a useful escape for me. I'm currently translating texts about ancient Persia and Israel which is really cool but it means staring into a computer for hours, staying away from sunshine and having little more than instant noodles for meals. Thinking about the money is enough to keep me going but distractions are distractions and I'm running out of excuses to stay away from my books.

Beyond Vanilla

2008-06-02T11:32:00.007+10:00

The past week has been less interesting; first the end of my semester then half a week without dxnixl followed by a long weekend where all I did was hide under the sheets and hope the fog outside would disappear.

Vanilla is starting to bore me. There's less thrill and anticipation when you've done it to death. I must admit there's something about being roughed up and pushed to realms beyond my limits and experiencing a bit more than just suck/fuck/cum. A few sessions in the past were ok except there was still an agreed end point much like vanilla.

Started a profile on Recon, chatted with a few guys (and banned twice as many) - I can actually see myself doing this. On the other hand I'm starting to feel naked because I have no gear; here people have full body suits, hoods, jackets, wrist cuffs, straps and paddles, rings and chains, plugs and boots etc. while I seem almost vanilla with my cheap chest shots of nothing-much-to-show-just-looking-here. Gear is expensive and I'm not confident enough to go into a shop and blow $1000 on leather.

So is it all about confidence? Maybe the issue is less about BDSM and more of looking for ways to get out of my comfort zone. If you think subs are weak then you're wrong - it takes a fair bit of bravery to let someone take control over you and do as they please.

Which begs the question - dom or sub? I think I will have trouble disciplining men older than me. Actually not many young Asians are into kink, another plus point I suppose because I don't have to rub elbows with LV-carrying whores with bleached hair and a fake accent. But the smell of leather/chrome/used boots omg. Also keen on trying chasity for a week or so until I go crazy and beg to be released. Okay this post is starting to sound more like smut but that's where my headspace is at.

For now I'm just looking, learning and questioning, but the real challenge is to relax and go right into it with no reservations. That's the point isn't it?

Absence

2008-05-26T22:25:00.002+10:00

So frankly the house is quiet now that dxnixl is in Sydney. Well Wollongong to be exact. But who cares. 4 days to myself I think its healthy that way. We're learning to live away from each other in short doses.

Which is a good thing cause fuck I haven't been able to eat red onions. He's allergic, I'm obsessed - our compromise is fuck the bugger and use browns instead. So today after 2 years of abstinence I buy 7 red onions and cook myself a hearty pot of red onion stew.

Like seriously. It's gorgeous.

Two tests on Wednesday (what's new) so I'm avoiding my books for the time being. Spent the whole day washing a pillow (you won't believe what else I get up to when I feel domestic). Yes I said pillow. Took 2 hrs to squeeze the water out and mind you it wasn't pretty - yeah it was HIS sweat (emphasis on HIS); well at least now it smells better and I can actually picture myself sleeping on it. Label says "a few days to dry", but I reckon it will take a week. Thank God it's latex.

To save myself from a soppy night in bed I opt to watch Desperate Housewives (usually I let him monopolize the TV). Different characters, same old bullshit. That's what you get when you trust a gay man to write a script about married life. Which begs the question, are we gays really that out of touch with reality?

New phone from Nokia gives me the creeps. It's half as thin as my current gargantuan, and twice as sparkly. Even then I'm still thinking about the iPhone cause I really am a show-off.

Tonight I will get to sleep in the big bed (yay) all by myself, a troublesome thought if you think about it, the way I'm dealing with his absence. Then again the silence is a huge opportunity for me to reset, rewind and take some time off for myself, time otherwise spent worrying on his behalf.

Twitch

2008-05-19T01:51:00.004+10:00

Managing just fine without alcohol or ranty episodes on the sidewalk with a stubby in one hand and a ciggy in the other. Eyes twitchy. Is it true you blink less when you stare at the computer screen?

Catching up on iLectures is a pain. Yeah so why do I miss the lectures in the first place. I love being able to pause rewind pause rewind at will but telling myself to get it started needs motivation, of which I have none. Interesting to listen to my own recorded presentation. I sound so different and "manly", even as I stumble across three different methods of speaking; neutral, Manglish and Ocker.

Facebook to kill time. My biggest sin is Packrat. Gorgeous artwork and anything that brings out kiasu in me is addictive. But now I'm becoming bipolar = new editions released: Happy. No new cards: Bored. New cards: Happy. Insomnia, red eyes, back aches, 6am sleeps and an irregular diet are some of the well-known side effects.

Facebook is also a good way to find out that some random (Malaysian) on MSN knows a person who knows a person who knows you after you've stayed at his place for a few nights and accepted "gifts". I mean money lah. Which is interesting because I always forget how tiny the KL gay community is, and how its just one bitch after another in a sea of familiar faces - you the reader in KL/PJ would probably know me in person. Yes I was that popular and "out-there".

Random goes on to say he'd date me if I wasn't already dated because I fall in his "top 5 percentile". Whatever that means. Why are Malaysians obsessed with getting partners? Their sole purpose of existence fits a breeder's perspective on life; singularity is challenging to them. There's no "enjoy life", only "depression" because everything revolves around he-wants-me-he-wants-me-not.

Information

2008-05-07T01:27:00.006+10:00

How do you tell someone about safe sex? It's appalling to discover so many still hold on to outrageous beliefs or are poorly informed. Condoms and lube. It's that simple, yet so many people still get it wrong. And then there are those who get themselves into "situations" and have unnecessary freak outs. Like for god's sake the virus is not some magical monster that is out to get you. They think that touching cum can cause infections? w t f

Living with dxnixl and having a biochemistry/biotechnology degree (in the making) has meant I know more about HIV than most (my inflated ego likes to think so anyway) Yet I wonder if perhaps knowing too much is bad because I get frustrated with those who know so little? I'm a hopeless educator. Lack the PR skills. All I do is, force it into their fucking mouths and ask them to chew. Which of course, does nothing other than make them spew resentment

So this time I chose to be silent, well not silent-silent but more like, talk-less-listen-more, and after 4 whole minutes of hearing things that on a normal day would make me pull out my hair and bite my toes in exasperation, I finally manage to say, "I don't think that's right - maybe see a doctor?". So that's not really solving the problem, cause doctors can be ill-informed themselves and may not be the best educators out there (trust me some doctors are better off as pharmacists than as health educators), but at least for now I save myself from the joys of engaging with ignorance (yes I have better things to do, like sleep).

But not before I say condoms every time - he should know that yes?

I fucking hope so, otherwise that hopeless prick needs to get his shit together.

Boring

2008-04-22T01:38:00.004+10:00

Why are gay blogs always BORING. A different day, the same shit. Pseudo-porno pictures. Bourgeoisie commentaries.

I want content, people. WRITE.

Going on strike against my uni. Chocolate and cashews. Tomorrow I have an exam - another one of those in a string of fucking assessments. Tomorrow I want to wake up and know it all or not wake up. I like to have options to choose my outcome not a predisposition to assume the worst.

Dxnixl finally decided to go to Malaysia for a bit... and about time really. The last time he talked about it he was all blah, well at least now we're talking about an itinerary. Easing him into it is going to be a challenge - I just remembered we might be going in during the haze season. Singapore will give him a bit of a break from KL chaos; the more familiarity with First World the better - these Melbournians who don't travel much are not well adapted to our fanatic lifestyles.

Glad to know he wants to do 'authentic', but nothing's authentic in KL. Everything is borrowed and mashed up into indecipherable end-products. Kings of piracy, only better. Like Lolex, Oral-Me toothpaste and Singapore noodles.

Gosh such Malaysian arrogance.

On a lighter note: Don't ever get into Packrat - it's addictive.

Drift

2008-04-12T00:16:00.005+10:00

Long week and weekend. As usual, the mountain of assignments make me hurl. Alternating between diminishing sleep cycles and increasing weightlifting intensity, I've reduced neuronal capacity to absorb information in lectures.

Midsemester test. Presentation. 3000 word essays. I whine, and people around me are reaching their tolerance limits.

"you are an abyss", a friend says, in response to our conversation on MSN. Apparently I have many corners and "unfathomable depths"; or perhaps I'm mixing with the wrong crowd of people? Because lately I've had to revisit my position on the types of people I choose to pursue.

Emotional vampire(s). I feel I have no space to feel happy in conversations with a certain few. Trivial matters can seem big when you have anxiety, yet at such extents you feel the need to prescribe Valium. How do you say "I can't deal with this" to someone who is emotionally fragile? Sometimes you can't, though most times I wish I did.

Slacking is universal. I'm doing it because I can. And neglecting the work that I have is a protest to the institutions that force me to read 102856718756 journals "for the sake of the exam".

Who are my best friends? They are the ones who remain on my MSN list and take the bucketloads of shit I give them, hand back clumps of turd onto my face saying "fuck off bitch, deal with your issues", then come back later to see how I'm doing. I need roughening up, not, "everything will be ok", because I know it's not and won't be; I need people to tell me that I should just deal with it and SHUT UP.

Because I'm like this: I can't shut up.

Back to essay writing - I've promised myself another 400 words tonight.

Biochemistry?

2008-03-28T03:47:00.000+11:00

Yeah and I thought I was going to party again this weekend...

I'm finally feeling the weight of work ahead of me. I'm reading through all these cryptic journal papers - written in scientific language that few others can comprehend, full with abbreviations and diagrams that completely make no sense to an undergraduate (like myself).

And these essays that I have to write! "What is the function of the KDEL receptor? - in 1000 words or less"

"cis-maturation model of the Golgi cisternae"

"role of leptin and SocS3 inhibition in metabolic intake"

"signalling mechanism by which PDGF induces membrane protrusions in mouse embryo fibroblasts"

"molecular mechanisms involved in determining asymmetric cell division during embryogenesis"

FUCKED IF I KNEW, YOU DIPSTICK.

~

I have been sleeping in classes. Going to uni is a chore so i do it for the sake of. Like eating chocolate. For the sake of. Coffee can only keep me awake for the first 25minutes. I can't concentrate. I don't care. Burnout. For fucks sake.

Recorded iLecture? What the hell is she saying. I can't even link her babble with the lecture slides in front of me (probably due to the fact it's 3am, I'm cranky and it's cold outside?). I keep rewinding at the same sentence "it takes a while to understand Grb2 pathways...". I might need more than a while, you bitch.

Partying more and more as a means of avoidance. Bad signs?? Dxnixl won't understand and can't help. Seems that alcohol/drugs are (slowly) becoming the answers to all my worries.

Phone was offline today in Melbourne Central; Three was doing it again with their idiotic network. Reception has been choppy in the past two weeks but I haven't done anything about it... Dxnixl couldn't contact me so today he threw a fit and I deserved it. Like, yeah, I need to get my shit sorted out. But how. And when.

Workout at the gym seems to be the only thing going smoothly. Previously I've been telling myself to keep away from "muscle enhancers", but now I'm more willing to give it a go. Not any steroids or shit like that - more like super protein shakes that make you tremble if your energy expenditure does not match calorie intake. Yeah, I know this shit - it's called the MC4R induced thermogenesis.

And my fingers are struggling to keep up with the typing. I'm so tired but I can't sleep until I finish reading about JAK2 receptors. If I don't then I won't sleep because I'll worry myself to death about not doing enough.

Not that I'm doing much anyway.

Recovery

2008-03-25T03:51:00.000+11:00

"The Vines - Autumn Shade" is trippy.

It hurts. I'm grabbing my pillow, hiding under the sheets hoping it will all go away. Two glasses of water later and I feel like throwing up.

What friends? The numbers on my mobile have all been contacted within the past 24 hours. I don't know enough people?

Red fingers. I've been typing on MSN for the past 4 hours. I can't give a rat's ass about the rings around my eyes. I want company.

In between alcohol and vitamin sessions I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with the comedowns. I peak a massive amount so the recovery is abrupt and hard.

Today has been an emotional roller coaster. Up and down and then up again - I hate it how there's this 24hr lag before I start to feel numb. Axvxn says deal with it, and I know I should; not sure if I know how. Two days of intense partying have drained me.

Feet In The Feathers

2008-03-24T18:30:00.004+11:00

Shirt off. Yellow Onitsukas and size zero jeans. Smirnoff red in one hand, fingers of a boy in another. Fuck-all attitude, dancing to Toca's Miracle under green lasers and blue spotlights. No thoughts, no unhappiness, no fucking worries.

And for once my chest was the only thing that hurt.

More alcohol. No pills so alcohol will suffice. Sleazy guy I've seen before, coming onto me again. I say fuck off with a flick of my fingers. How long will I have this youthful 'empowerment'?

Face in the sink. Water tastes of a century of grime. On the floor, tissues and cum stains (?), eww. I'm with a few boys now. Glad to know you too.

Wrestle my demons. Coming down is never easy, even if you've got three others to hold you. I think I need to play my game better. Too much to drink now. Plasma TV showing Sunshine - end scene where he gets blown up as the spacecraft plunges into the sun's atmosphere. Nice.

~

TAXI!!

None found. Those that zoom past us pick people who look straighter than me and Mxtt. "But your house is in the fucking wrong direction" I hear myself say. He's into a cab and back down Church St. while I mull over the direction of Dynon Rd from here.

Whopper makes its way out from my mouth into the gutter. Tram arrives. I hop in and pass out under the tram's fluorescent lights.

Party

2008-03-22T23:55:00.003+11:00

Long weekend. Jesus died so we could have a holiday.

Trailer Trash at Billboard, Russell St. Very unusual to have a gay dance party in the middle of Chinatown. 11am and I'm already inside with the most cleavage I could afford, helping dxnixl handout free dog-tags with safe-sex messages on them.

Mxtt offers me a drink; six bottles and one pill later I'm on the podium dancing away to Britney (omg trashy). He's kind of cute - wide grin and big eyes. He likes my jaw cause it is very square (wtf). Hot dancer. I've never had someone grab me by the belt in a long long time.

And good amounts of pashing. Inhibitions are rare when you're chemically altered.

Out to get fresh air. Trip to 7-eleven sees many heads turn as Mxtt and I hold hands down Russell St. Fuck off cunts, I say aloud. Pills make me a rowdy bitch. Does it make you chatty? He's telling me a lot of things but I can't make sense of it (cause it's mostly shit). Too windy so we're back inside, dancing away to Basement Jaxx with our tops off and not a single care in the world.

~

"Why can't we take the party bus?" Fuck man. Dxnixl leads the way to his friend's for congee (that's porridge for you Malaysians) and my first cigarette in 2 years. My mood is slowly dropping.

Recovery at Spider Club, Chapel St. Mental note to self = stay away from tight tank tops when the weather is 9 degrees. More alcohol and pills. DJ Dan Murphy. Dancing with my top off and flirting with sleazy guys who want me.

More pashing.

Dxnixl is my safety net. Literally tells me to breathe when I'm overheating. We take a taxi home and I'm gorging my face with Maggi and meat pie before sleep in undies.

Hot

2008-03-16T16:32:00.006+11:00

Again, a weekend of 39's in Autumn. Which is cool cause I enjoy the heat, though I'm not so sure about others (Dxnixl inclusive).

On days like this I'm practically naked. I much prefer this weather to the miserable winter cold, albeit the lack of rain (which I also like). I want this weather everyday.

Yet I'm constantly obsessing about impermanence. I'm using the seasons as an excuse to not think of the bigger things like graduation, employment, my bond, my relocation, my relationship and my finances. It's much better (and easier) to worry about how I may never see 41 degrees and 11% humidity again.

Questions in my head. Why would I want to stay? Some of it I like (think "sex venues"), but everything else can be mundane. Maybe it's the spending power - I like to dress myself in Pashmina and Prada. Yet are those things comparable to good food, nightlife, youthful energy, corruption, traffic jams, poor English and unpredictability? I worry I might become complacent as a Melbournian.

And affordability is shocking.

Having said that, in general I manage change quite well (such as sex positions/partners/role, choice of clothes and type of food), but I'm less receptive to changing places of residence, which dates back to childhood experiences as a reject.

2/3 Majority Denied!

2008-03-09T07:57:00.004+11:00

7.53am AEST:-

BN: 135 Seats
Opposition: 82 Seats

BN has failed to get 2/3 control of Parliament.

Congratulations Malaysia for voting with your feet.

PM: ‘We’ve lost, we’ve lost’ - 4.12am
These were the only words which Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi could muster when quizzed on the ruling coalition’s shocking defeat in five states.

Abdullah was posed with the question during a press conference at the Putra World Trade Centre in Kuala Lumpur. He was accompanied by his wife Jeanne, deputy Najib Abdul Razak and other BN leaders.

The prime minister added that he will make a media statement after analysing the results in detail.

Source: Malaysiakini

PM: Choose BN or Choose Chaos

2008-03-09T06:52:00.004+11:00

Prime Minister, Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi in his 9 pm TV polling-eve
message said:

"You have to vote for our future. You have to vote for our children…

"What will happen if there is chaos and there is instability?"

Abdullah got only the first part right, that Malaysian voters must vote for
their future and their children.

He got the second part completely wrong – as the choice before the Malaysian
voters is not between Barisan Nasional on the one hand and chaos and
instability on the other.

This is a false choice.

Source: Lim Kit Siang

Malaysian voters (and non-voters) on my MSN are skeptical about change, and Badawi pushes this button frequently to woo voters. All have expressed fear of the opposition ruling our states and bickering in our Senate, so naturally any talk about 'instability' sends ruffles through the people. The thought of how change is brought about by a new government completely eludes them - "Aiya now got opposition then we sure die lah", and "How now later got more riot, May 13 then how".

Who's to say that voting the opposition will send us into chaos? Countries and governments are in constant disequilibrium - ever changing and ever evolving to achieve more. Any country that reaches stasis is effectively dead; think North Korea.

Malaysians have no faith in change. It is much easier to wallow in their own self pity and complain about every imaginable topic over their teh tarik.

Further gains...

2008-03-09T03:19:00.001+11:00

3.19am AEST:

Penang, Kedah, Kelantan and SELANGOR fall from BN after a fierce batle with the PAS/PKR/DAP alliance. The opposition is reported to have won more than 50% of the seats in the Dewan Undangan Negeri (State Senate).

Change is coming.

Work the System

2008-03-09T00:37:00.002+11:00

My own dad and brother are part of the system. Same with the rest of my extended family. The system works for them, those BN whores. Stability over political, religious and individual liberty.

Penang and Kelantan have fallen to the opposition (unofficial results as of 12.38am AEST). Maybe the system didn't work well enough this time - disgruntled people voting with their feet?

Lets see what happens, shall we?

Piercings

2008-02-29T21:56:00.006+11:00

When they say it hurts, well, they are partially correct – it is not that bad!

Further extending my 'week of firsts' I decide it's time to get piercings. I book myself in for 4 piercings - 2 lobes and 2 nipples at Commercial Rd. How do you prepare for these things? Google is your friend...

...and Youtube is not. Seven videos of people getting their nipples mutilated and I'm running for the door. Piercing artists HAVE to be sadists. Jabbing a bloke in their areolas then squeezing a bar through the hole is just cruel.

A quick chat with a msn buddy/doctor is just asking for trouble. Keloids, he says. Internal scar tissue that will perk my nipples up (is that necessarily a bad thing?). And a whole lecture about infections and swelling and the etc. Doctors can be so technical.

I spend another week toying with the idea before I decide it is best to skip the nipple piercings (for now) and just do the lobes (afterwards I hear myself say the word 'coward' a million times).

Inking followed by two sharp pricks and it's all over. Yada yada yada about the salt solution etc, I just wanted to get out of there, away from the sterile surrounds and the people in the waiting room.

Bling bling. Nana at the tram stop shows me her gold teeth. She must have noticed my sparklies.

Nice.

E

2008-02-23T12:55:00.006+11:00

A week of firsts. I'm bored with being conservative, suppressed and indecisive.

2 minute walk from my apartment. Too easy. Straight pub where the locals hang out for a pot of beer. And yet past the cheap aluminum chairs, beer stained carpets, vinegary Sauv Blanc and locals in daggy shirts, they have the best paellas ever.

You can't say no to a good paella. Crabs, calamari, fish fillets, shellfish on a bed of rice and garlic with dustings of saffron, onions, tomatoes and fresh lemon slices. The rule is never to use the crab crackers - teeth will suffice. And fingers.

Rancid oil on my $99 polo. Yellow saffron seafood stench on your fingers. Washing is futile. But omg my tummy. How do you say no to a third, fourth, fifth serve?

Dxnixl is less sympathetic. He says I'm anorexic and therefore should eat more. My expanding waistline disagrees.

~

How much for a pill? I don't know these things. But a halfie later and I still feel nothing. Dxnixl reckons another halfie - omg sharing cubicles to pop vitamins is just not cool. The Market is full of str8 women and the men who love them, also many Asians? I can't make out why there are people wearing suits and ties when everyone else is half naked on the dancefloor.

Smoke. Bad music. Body odour. Pills are meant to take those things away, not enhance them! A few cute boys on the dance floor look at me and we exchange glances. I’ve forgotten that feeling for a while now.

4.27am. "I'm PEEEAAAAAKKKINGGGG!!!!", I say to Dxnixl. My first pill ever. A boy finally grows up.

Ida Corr Vs Fedde le Grand. My limbs have gone totally spastic. Dxnixl is loving it too; he sits in a dark corner watching me closely while I'm up on the podium, smelling faintly of calamari, shirt off and jeans hanging off my butt, 'grabbing' laser beams and swinging to the beat. This is alcohol x 100000

Fucking hell.

~

6.40am. Dxnixl left an hour ago and the effect is waning. I can't walk so I stumble into a blond boy with too much deodorant. Splitting headache. Some random offers me free drinks while we sit in one of the couches for hugs. Four cokes later and he wants me at his place? Bitch.

First tram at 7.34am. How the fuck do I know these things? Fumbling with my phone I manage a call to dxnixl. He's just hopped into bed, waiting for me to come home.

UMNO - U Make Noise Only (lah)

2008-02-19T20:00:00.004+11:00

Oh why not. Election year anyway.

These are statistics from Uncyclopedia, also quoted by Raja Petra Raja Kamaruddin in Malaysia Today. Only the Malays in power, and anyone pro-BN will dispute its legitimacy.

(1) Of the five major banks, only one is multi-racial, the rest are controlled by Malays.

(2) 99% of Petronas directors are Malays.

(3) 3% of Petronas employees are Chinese.

(4) 99% of 2000 Petronas gasoline stations are owned by Malays.

(5) 100% all contractors working under Petronas projects must be of Bumis status.

(6) 0% of non-Malay staff are legally required in Malay companies. But there must be 30% Malay staffs in Chinese companies.

(7) 5% of all new intake for government police, nurses, army, are non-Malays.

(8) 2% is the present Chinese staff in Royal Malaysian Air Force (RMAF), a drop from 40% in 1960.

(9) 2% is the percentage of non-Malay government servants in Putrajaya, but Malays make up 98%.

(10) 7% is the percentage of Chinese government servants in the entire government (in 2004); a drop from 30% in 1960.

(11) 95% of government contracts are given to Malays.

(12) 100% all business licensees are controlled by Malay government, e.g. Taxi permits, Approved permits, etc.

(13) 80% of the Chinese rice millers in Kedah had to be sold to Malay controlled Bernas in 1980s. Otherwise, life is made difficult for Chinese rice millers.

(14) 100 big companies set up, owned and managed by Chinese Malaysians were taken over by government, and later managed by Malays since 1970s, e.g. UTC, UMBC, MISC, etc.

(15) At least 10 Chinese owned bus companies (throughout Malaysia in the past 40 years) had to be sold to MARA or other Malay transport companies due to rejection by Malay authorities to Chinese applications for bus routes and rejection for their applications for new buses.

(16) Two Chinese taxi drivers were barred from driving in Johor Larkin bus station. There are about 30 taxi drivers and three were Chinese in Oct. 2004. Spoiling taxi club properties was the reason given.

(17) 0 non-Malays are allowed to get shop lots in the new Muar bus station (Nov. 2004).

(18) 8000 billion ringgit is the total amount the government channeled to Malay pockets through ASB, ASN, MARA, privatization of government agencies, Tabung Haji etc, through NEP over a 34 years period.

(19) 48 Chinese primary schools closed down from 1968 - 2000.

(20) 144 Indian primary schools closed down from 1968 - 2000.

(21) 2637 Malay primary schools built from 1968 - 2000.

(22) 2.5% is government budget for Chinese primary schools. Indian schools got only 1%, Malay schools got 96.5%.

(23) While a Chinese parent with RM1000 salary (monthly) cannot get school textbook loan, a Malay parent with RM2000 salary is eligible.

(24) All 10 public university vice chancellors are Malays.

(25) 5% of the government universities’ lecturers are of non-Malay origins. This percentage has been reduced from about 70% in 1965 to only 5% in 2004.

(26) Only 5% has been given to non-Malays for government scholarships in over 40 years.

(27) 0 Chinese or Indians were sent to Japan and Korea under the “Look East Policy.”

(28) 128 STPM Chinese top students could not get into the course to which they aspired, i.e. Medicine (in 2004).

(29) 10% quotas are in place for non-Bumi students for MARA science schools beginning in 2003, but only 7% are filled. Before that it was 100% Malays.

(30) 50 cases in which Chinese and Indian Malaysians are beaten up in the National Service program in 2003.

(31) 25% of the Malaysian population was Chinese in 2004, a drop from 45% in 1957.

(32) 7% of the Malaysian population is Indian (2004), a drop from 12% in 1957.

(33) 2 million Chinese Malaysians have emigrated in the past 40 years.

(34) 0.5 million Indian Malaysians have emigrated overseas.

(35) 3 millions Indonesians have migrated to Malaysia and become Malaysian citizens with Bumis status.

(36) 600,000 Chinese and Indian Malaysians with red IC were rejected repeatedly when applying for citizenship in the past 40 years. Perhaps 60% of them had already passed away due to old age. This shows racism, based on how easily Indonesians got their citizenships compared with the Chinese and Indians.

(37) 5% - 15% discount for a Malay to buy a house, regardless whether the Malay is rich or poor.

(38) 2% is what new Chinese villages get, compared with 98% - what Malay villages got for rural development budget.

(39) 50 road names (at least) had been changed from Chinese names to other names.

(40) 1 Dewan Gan Boon Leong (in Malacca) was altered to another name (e.g. Dewan Serbaguna or something like that) when it was only officially used for a few days. The government tries to shun Chinese names. This example of racism occurred around 2000.

(41) 0 temples/churches were built for each housing estate. But every housing estate got at least one mosque/surau built.

(42) 3000 mosques/surau were built in all housing estates throughout Malaysia since 1970. No temples or churches are required to be built in housing estates.

(43) 1 Catholic church in Shah Alam took 20 years to apply to have a building constructed. But they were told by Malay authority that it must look like a factory and not like a church. As of 2004 the application still have not been approved.

(44) 1 publishing of Bible in Iban language banned (in 2002).

(45) 0 of the government TV stations (RTM1, RTM2, TV3) are directors of non-Malay origin.

(46) 30 government produced TV dramas and films always showed that the bad guys had Chinese faces, and the good guys had Malay faces. You can check it out since 1970s. Recent years, this has become less of a tendency.

(47) 10 times, at least, Malays (especially Umno) had threatened to massacre the Chinese Malaysians using May 13, since 1969.

(48) 20 constituencies won by DAP would not get funds from the government to develop. These Chinese majority constituencies would be the last to be developed.

(49) 100 constituencies (parliaments and states) had been racially re-delineated so Chinese votes were diluted for Chinese candidates. This is one of the main reasons why DAP candidates have consistently lost in elections since the 1970s.

(50) Only 3 out of 12 human rights items are ratified by the Malaysian government since 1960.

(51) 0 - elimination of all forms of racial discrimination (UN Human Rights) has not been ratified by Malaysian government since 1960s.

(52) 20 reported cases whereby Malay ambulance attendances treated Chinese patients inhumanely, and Malay government hospital staffs purposely delayed attending to Chinese patients in 2003. Unreported cases may be 200.

(53) 50 cases each year whereby Chinese, especially Chinese youths, are being beaten up by Malay youths in public places. Police reports may be checked to verify this, provided the police took the report, otherwise there will be no record.

(54) 20 cases every year whereby Chinese drivers who accidentally knocked down Malays were seriously assaulted or killed by Malays.

(55) 12% is what ASB/ASN got per annum while banks fixed deposits are only about 3.5% per annum.

The rest can be read here.

Source: Uncyclopedia.

Ditto

2008-02-15T14:03:00.007+11:00

Dumb and Dumber: Are Americans Hostile to Knowledge?
By PATRICIA COHEN
Published: February 14, 2008

A popular video on YouTube shows Kellie Pickler, the adorable platinum blonde from “American Idol,” appearing on the Fox game show “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?” during celebrity week. Selected from a third-grade geography curriculum, the $25,000 question asked: “Budapest is the capital of what European country?”

Ms. Pickler threw up both hands and looked at the large blackboard perplexed. “I thought Europe was a country,” she said. Playing it safe, she chose to copy the answer offered by one of the genuine fifth graders: Hungary. “Hungry?” she said, eyes widening in disbelief. “That’s a country? I’ve heard of Turkey. But Hungry? I’ve never heard of it.”

Such, uh, lack of global awareness is the kind of thing that drives Susan Jacoby, author of “The Age of American Unreason,” up a wall. Ms. Jacoby is one of a number of writers with new books that bemoan the state of American culture.

Joining the circle of curmudgeons this season is Eric G. Wilson, whose “Against Happiness” warns that the “American obsession with happiness” could “well lead to a sudden extinction of the creative impulse, that could result in an extermination as horrible as those foreshadowed by global warming and environmental crisis and nuclear proliferation.”

Then there is Lee Siegel’s “Against the Machine: Being Human in the Age of the Electronic Mob,” which inveighs against the Internet for encouraging solipsism, debased discourse and arrant commercialization. Mr. Siegel, one might remember, was suspended by The New Republic for using a fake online persona in order to trash critics of his blog (“you couldn’t tie Siegel’s shoelaces”) and to praise himself (“brave, brilliant”).

Ms. Jacoby, whose book came out on Tuesday, doesn’t zero in on a particular technology or emotion, but rather on what she feels is a generalized hostility to knowledge. She is well aware that some may tag her a crank. “I expect to get bashed,” said Ms. Jacoby, 62, either as an older person who upbraids the young for plummeting standards and values, or as a secularist whose defense of scientific rationalism is a way to disparage religion.

Ms. Jacoby, however, is quick to point out that her indictment is not limited by age or ideology. Yes, she knows that eggheads, nerds, bookworms, longhairs, pointy heads, highbrows and know-it-alls have been mocked and dismissed throughout American history. And liberal and conservative writers, from Richard Hofstadter to Allan Bloom, have regularly analyzed the phenomenon and offered advice.

T. J. Jackson Lears, a cultural historian who edits the quarterly review Raritan, said, “The tendency to this sort of lamentation is perennial in American history,” adding that in periods “when political problems seem intractable or somehow frozen, there is a turn toward cultural issues.”

But now, Ms. Jacoby said, something different is happening: anti-intellectualism (the attitude that “too much learning can be a dangerous thing”) and anti-rationalism (“the idea that there is no such things as evidence or fact, just opinion”) have fused in a particularly insidious way.

Not only are citizens ignorant about essential scientific, civic and cultural knowledge, she said, but they also don’t think it matters.

She pointed to a 2006 National Geographic poll that found nearly half of 18- to 24-year-olds don’t think it is necessary or important to know where countries in the news are located. So more than three years into the Iraq war, only 23 percent of those with some college could locate Iraq, Iran, Saudi Arabia and Israel on a map.

Ms. Jacoby, dressed in a bright red turtleneck with lipstick to match, was sitting, appropriately, in that temple of knowledge, the New York Public Library’s majestic Beaux Arts building on Fifth Avenue. The author of seven other books, she was a fellow at the library when she first got the idea for this book back in 2001, on 9/11.

Walking home to her Upper East Side apartment, she said, overwhelmed and confused, she stopped at a bar. As she sipped her bloody mary, she quietly listened to two men, neatly dressed in suits. For a second she thought they were going to compare that day’s horrifying attack to the Japanese bombing in 1941 that blew America into World War II:

“This is just like Pearl Harbor,” one of the men said.

The other asked, “What is Pearl Harbor?”

“That was when the Vietnamese dropped bombs in a harbor, and it started the Vietnam War,” the first man replied.

At that moment, Ms. Jacoby said, “I decided to write this book.”

Ms. Jacoby doesn’t expect to revolutionize the nation’s educational system or cause millions of Americans to switch off “American Idol” and pick up Schopenhauer. But she would like to start a conversation about why the United States seems particularly vulnerable to such a virulent strain of anti-intellectualism. After all, “the empire of infotainment doesn’t stop at the American border,” she said, yet students in many other countries consistently outperform American students in science, math and reading on comparative tests.

In part, she lays the blame on a failing educational system. “Although people are going to school more and more years, there’s no evidence that they know more,” she said.

Ms. Jacoby also blames religious fundamentalism’s antipathy toward science, as she grieves over surveys that show that nearly two-thirds of Americans want creationism to be taught along with evolution.

Ms. Jacoby doesn’t leave liberals out of her analysis, mentioning the New Left’s attacks on universities in the 1960s, the decision to consign African-American and women’s studies to an “academic ghetto” instead of integrating them into the core curriculum, ponderous musings on rock music and pop culture courses on everything from sitcoms to fat that trivialize college-level learning.

Avoiding the liberal or conservative label in this particular argument, she prefers to call herself a “cultural conservationist.”

For all her scholarly interests, though, Ms. Jacoby said she recognized just how hard it is to tune out the 24/7 entertainment culture. A few years ago she participated in the annual campaign to turn off the television for a week. “I was stunned at how difficult it was for me,” she said.

The surprise at her own dependency on electronic and visual media made her realize just how pervasive the culture of distraction is and how susceptible everyone is — even curmudgeons.

Source: The New York Times

Badawi?

2008-02-11T21:28:00.002+11:00

How can I not be ashamed that he is my Prime Minister? Apparently, he cannot answer questions directed to him.

In the UMNO General Assembly, his most famous quote was "SAYA PANTANG DICABAR". Yet in this video he looks like a headless chicken struggling in the Swiss Alps.

Kenapa oh Badawi kenapa? Cabaran sekecil ini terlalu besar bagimu? HAHAHAHAHAH!

God save our country.

VOTE THE OPPOSITION.

Stereotype

2008-02-10T01:33:00.000+11:00

Fridae has been kind to offer a free week of Perks. So its like, chatting online has taken a new meaning now that my postcode is 3011. Apparently, the suburb I live in makes me who I am, not the other way around.

Also cultural stereotypes. The perception is that we Asian people are restricted to clichéd hobbies - shopping, drinking alcohol, wearing eyeliner and Gucci, gambling, clubbing, shoes. Behaviours that include accepting without question, distinguishable accents, lack of speech, insecurity, awkward hand gestures.

These people are obsessed with being 'straight-acting' whatever that means. They've internalised the 'fragile Asian boy' model for self-empowerment - masculinity, it seems, is dictated by the 'manly' things you do, and an Asian boy can never be 'manly'.

They can't accept me because I enjoy servicing motorbikes, working in the garden, playing sports, fixing taps, or Bunnings on the weekend.

Piercings

2008-01-29T21:27:00.000+11:00

When they say it hurts, well, they are partially correct – it is not that bad!

Further extending my 'week of firsts' I decide it's time to get piercings. I book myself for four piercings, 2 lobes and 2 nipples at Commercial Rd. How do you prepare for these things? Google is your friend.

And Youtube is not. Seven videos of people getting their nipples mutilated and I'm running for the door. Piercing artists HAVE to be masochists. Jabbing a bloke in their areolas then squeezing a bar through the hole is just cruel.

And a quick chat with a msn buddy/doctor is just asking for trouble. Keloids, he says. Scar tissue that will perk my nipple up (Is that necessarily a bad thing?). And a whole lecture about infections and swelling and the etc. Doctors can be so technical.

I spend another week toying with the idea before I decide it is best to skip the nipple piercings (for now) and just do the lobes (afterwards I hear myself say the word 'coward' a million times).

Inking followed by two sharp pricks and it's all over. Yada yada yada about the salt solution etc, I just wanted to get out of there, away from the sterile surrounds and the people in the waiting room.

Bling bling. Nana at the tram stop shows me her gold teeth. She must have noticed.

Nice.

Facebook

2008-01-29T19:48:00.000+11:00

Finally, after 2yrs of denial, I've logged onto Facebook.

Damnit, I'm addicted.

Move

2008-01-21T18:47:00.000+11:00

4 hours and 3 flights of stairs later and it's all over. New apartment needs painting as owner left it in shades of pink-yellow-purple-green, not necessarily in that order.

Partner has been busy with work so I've taken it upon myself to single-handedly manage the clean-ups, the mess, the packing-unpacking and buying new stuff. Bunnings and Highpoint have been my friends for the past 2wks; I have no real friends?

No time for relationships - I'm too busy sanding walls and vacuuming cupboards. I have become the ultimate housewife. Asvxn said so too.

Constant nagging to get the house in order so I can't see myself being employed. Dxnixl has taken the brunt of relocation costs yet I struggle to deal with the figures. Then again, I have no job. It's a vicious cycle.

In fact the past three weeks have been rough. I've become a bitter old tart, blaming myself for mistakes. I like having everything in order but reality bites.

To distract myself I buy more plants. Whatever happened to 'consolidation'. Frangipani bought off eBay arrived in the mail today, amazing how they survive 4 days of darkness (in a parcel). At least some things are less complacent.

Heat

2008-01-10T15:42:00.000+11:00

This house is gorgeous. Meticulously designed to counter Melbournian weather extremes. On bitter winter days it would stay warm and on scorching summer days it would stay cool.

Even today at 41 degrees and 9% humidity I don't feel the heat. People walking past the window look desperate for a cool change.

But I like the heat, and must resist all attempts to 'air' the house and rid it of coolness. Dxnixl will be displeased if I did - he doesn't like the heat at all. I wonder how he will cope with North-East full length windows in our new place (air conditioning maybe?).

I should go out soon and check on the plants; they must be wilting. Pusscat is happily trotting around the house; at least he knows how to enjoy a hot day.

Unsettled

2008-01-05T01:29:00.000+11:00

At least we can still talk.

Dxnixl has said that he will only live in Malaysia if he gets a job. Fair enough, and also its not good if he becomes an expatriate housewife. He knows people who hated being in the same position. We've reach a point where we're able to talk more openly about things but pulling rabbits out from under the carpet can be upsetting.

At the time I could only think of danish furniture. Because the boy and I had decided earlier to start investing in REAL furniture (no more Ikea bullshit). I could only hear the words "Fuck I'm going to die lonely and without nice furniture".

I know I'm being over-dramatic again but it still bugs me.

~

I have a freak out about some trivial matter so I went a walk. One hour later I am in Toorak (Orrong Rd), which is fckking miles away. Gorgeous streets with shady trees, but sprinkler systems running full blast at 1am spilling water all over the walkway is not cool. Double standards? The rest of us can only water twice weekly yet these people have golf greens as their backyard.

Every house has a sign that says 'Independent water supply', but water is water and the State government needs to realise that bore water has to come from somewhere.

Shame, even though some of these gardens are actually pretty (Toorak design is better known for being "obscenely absurd").

SLR

2008-01-01T16:47:00.000+11:00

Dxnixl photographed me in my undies!

RawHide

2008-01-01T05:49:00.000+11:00

First time into Chasers and it looks very much like The Market. Dxnixl is more keen than I am to be partying, but I try to make it anyway.

High of 41 degrees. The NYE scorcher has put everyone off wearing clothes (poor cloakroom?). On the dance floor, two men dressed in nothing but jockstraps, their bums bouncing to every beat of Wayne G. Sweat. 'Manly' men who refuse to wear deodorant, some smell heavily of recently ingested amphetamines. Nice.

Trance room is better known as 'Asia'. Every man woman and child here is either Asian or the men who love them. Dxnixl is more keen here than anywhere else (surprise?). My prejudices mean everyone seems bitter and skanky, so I confine myself instead to DJ Dan Murphy and the Crystal Room.

~
More alcohol please.

People around me continue gyrating to even the shittiest music. I'm having trouble with getting onto the beat even after 4 champagnes. MDMA needed? Then a glance of DJ Jimi Harrison?

4.40am and I'm already leaving Dxnixl to the crowd of people. Heading home I bump into Simon/Freddie outside Heaven's Door, and a few hugs later I'm back home on my own with a can of sardines and Indomie before bed in just undies.

Happy New 2008.

Change

2007-12-19T11:52:00.000+11:00

So now dxnixl and me are moving to Footscray, away from the white urban stronghold of Prahran and into the suburb of coloured people. I love this apartment to bits but being surrounded by bars/clubs and Chapel St. trash is starting to bite.

Good 2nd storey views, polished floorboards, large rooms, cheap rent. Everything that our current unit lacks. I've been downsizing on the number of pot plants in our garden; new unit can't take all the crap I've accumulated in one year. 'Consolidation', I call it. Pusscat seems less certain.

Moving has always been an issue for me; as a kid I've had to sleep in more beds than most people (yes you are allowed to extrapolate from there) so even this move will be tough. Selling my furniture on eBay will help me remove some of the Ikea crap I've bought to fill my room. I've thrown out two bags full of junk and there's still more to go.

Right now all I can think about is a chance to redecorate. Tord Boontje, anyone?

Gimme More

2007-11-22T02:48:00.000+11:00

Fuck that song is stuck in my head. Talk about being conventional.

Last day of exams so it’s a relief to finally settle down and relax. I've recently failed to keep up with housework so this floor needs dusting soon.

Went to dinner with the rest of 'my kind'. Malaysians. Again I feel isolated from the group because everyone's talking about $3.50 pasta specials at Sofia's. Unlike them I can't relate to eating out of a tin or living in a shoebox. Actively chatting about the things that we hold dear to our heart, FOOD, I realise how much I've differentiated myself from these other people.

My priorities are a Genovese latte and a fresh quiche from Cafe Darling, and theirs is Green Tea Frappucino with extra creme and a pre-made apple muffin from Starbucks. I've certainly come a long way from being a typical KL City Boy. These ‘kids’ also remind me how far away I am from being a student; In one day I spend more on food than they do in a week. I eat out regularly, go to exclusive restaurants and buy expensive ingredients for cooking. They buy HomeBrand and never go out.

I’m a class whore.

They continue to talk about bargaining and keeping prices low. Best places to eat under $5. Best time of the year to buy shirts from Myer. Best place to get DVDs for cheap. Best places to buy Asian ingredients. How to save $20 on weekly bills. I can start to see how the angmoh feels whenever I rant to him about saving and reducing cost.

The fact that they know nothing outside city borders startles me. They are ‘bored’ of Melbourne, with good reason, considering that the ‘Melbourne’ they choose to see and live in is a hole.

The angmoh reckons we Malaysians are obsessed planners (he includes me in the definition). True, I suppose, just that these people are poor planners. Bad food. Bad venue. Bad place to be eating on a rainy day. Think "tourist trap". And yet everyone agrees because it's a free meal. Someone's paying. Malaysians will show up, disregarding all inhibitions and objections in the name of free food.

Everyone's actively talking about exams. About their degree. About the latest Wii game. About this amazing place they know of, where food is cheap because they give half-price for lunch leftovers. I'm busy talking about the Xchange, eating with the angmoh’s parents and BackBar's amazing cocktails. Such is life.

Everybody is flying back soon. Funny how people are obsessed with overseas education yet flee home as soon as semester is over. These kids come here for education alone. Culture immersion? Meeting the locals? Traveling the continent? Bah.

Jangan harap.

Speaking of which, the angmoh better get his passport soon or we'll never take off from this place. Seats are running out fast and he's not listening to my nagging.

Maybe I'm an obsessed obsessed planner.

Nando's

2007-11-20T05:58:00.000+11:00

Australian advertisers are really odd. They come up with the most bizzare ads ever, and this is one of the more controversial ones.

Enjoy.

往事

2007-11-16T01:20:00.000+11:00

我是一个小孩子，八年龄；

按老妈的想法是我一毕业就结婚。不过我跟老妈是说三十五之前不讨论婚嫁然后我并不想结婚那么早！结婚是两个人的事千万别受到外界的因素所干扰，格外父母。“如果这些你都考虑清楚了那无论你做出什么样的决定我就同意了”。她接受了吧。我算了算，也就是说我还有二十七之久。那时候好像相当长的时间。。。

哇！妈妈，如果您知道我目前爱着男人，您会原谅我吗？

Do

2007-11-16T00:39:00.000+11:00

Breathe. 1... 2... 3... 4...

I'm so over raping my herbs. Now they're just twiggy little bits standing in the dirt; I've left them in shade, froze them in the freezer, defoliated them, pruned them, de-rooted them, divided them, repotted them... they've suffered more abuse than any of my backyard plants and yet still manage to produce green healthy leaves.

Fucking twits. I'm considering increasing the soil acidity and using more sand instead of humus... hopefully they'll succumb to the stress and give me the oils that I want.

The boyfriend is getting increasingly hard to please. We've traded positions in this relationship; now I'm the one who's unemployed and in an emotional wormhole. Suddenly the prospect of going broke/insane scares me.

Finish my exam and get a job, I say. Doing is another thing altogether.

Freedom

2007-11-13T21:36:00.000+11:00

In view of recent events in Malaysia, I say to thee:

UMNO YOU BETTER BUCK UP BECAUSE THE RAKYAT AIN’T HAPPY

In a recent protest, members of BERSIH, a joint effort between Malaysian opposition parties, organised a mass rally to submit a memorandum to the King in hope that he will intervene to ensure a free and fair election. The Malaysian government acted to clamp down on such activities (Federal Reserve Unit, water cannons and tear gas was involved), not seen since the demonstrations during 'Reformasi' when Anwar Ibrahim was sacked by the then prime minister (now Tun Dr Mahathir).

Pictures are courtesy of Malaysia Today online forum.

I'm not usually into politics but recent events have really changed that. I guess you can say I'm jumping on the bandwagon. But my opinions have not necessarily sung in favour the Coalition.

I can safely say 100% of my friends in Malaysia had little or no information about the rally, meaning the government's censorship is still effective. They've apparently blocked access to foreign news on the matter, censored news coverage on Astro (our version of CableTV or Foxtel); even the opposition’s "Malaysia-Today" website is offline.

But what worries me most is the 'tidak-apa' (couldn’t care less) attitude of my friends. A few cited the famous 'Malays will never change' slogan without realising that those words apply to the Chinese and Indians as well (judging by their attitudes towards forming an opinion about the rally, where the most common reply was 'dunno' or 'don’t care'). I've had many friends who simply couldn’t be bothered to take notice. Funny, how I in Australia am more concerned than they are!

Shame. Shame on you all.

I once believed that change was impossible. Now I believe change requires more than nonchalance. Malays, if anyone, are the agents of change in blogs and in independent news. Change within the Malay community is crucial as it dictates election outcomes, seeing that they hold most of the votes.

But even the Chinese and Indians must understand that failure to form an opinion doesn't put them any higher than the Malays. Everyone has their part to play. Every opinion, whether in favour or against, is important.

Abdullah has not addressed are the allegations brought forward by the opposition, in particular about 'phantom voters' during the last general election. An embarrassing report released by foreign news Al Jazeera has prompted a lash back in response.

When they unleashed the water cannons loaded with acid, children were in the line of fire too. Even foreign news correspondent Hamish McDonald was doused by the acid spray.

The government has refused to comment on the lack of freedom-of-speech in Malaysia, constantly asking skeptics to 'prove it' and pushing the racial button by declaring Malaysia a 'harmonious country', instead of responding to the allegations. Foreign coverage of the media has been extensive and seems to differ from what local newspapers had to say (news articles below). Actions taken against bloggers and "separatists" have not helped the situation.

It does help that the government has the press and Affirmative Action for Malays on their side, but their failure to realise that a more liberal online community and growing dissent against their conservative approaches to free speech may prove to be their demise.

My view is that no nation can consider themselves developed if it does not have free speech (yes, Singapore included). The word 'free' here means abolishing censorship and police permits for gatherings. Malaysia will need to start looking at the issues being voiced out by the rakyat (people) such as crime, inflation, corruption and censorship, because these issues are real and meaningful. Failure to do so may result in loss at the elections, unprecedented for our country which has only been ruled by the coalition since independence.

These developments back home will be interesting to watch, especially for a Malaysian abroad (like myself).

Further reading available here, here, and here.

Note: If you are the owners of these blogs and want the link removed from this post, do not hesitate to contact me. Click here now.

----------
News Reports on this issue:

Teargas used on rare Malaysia demo
November 10, 2007 -- Updated 0418 GMT
Courtesy of CNN

The largest political protest in nearly a decade erupted in Malaysia's capital city, Kuala Lumpur, Saturday with riot police aiming water hoses and tear gas at thousands of protesters gathered to demand electoral reform.

Tens of thousands of protesters took to the streets of Kuala Lumpur to demand electoral reform.

Opposition parties and civic groups demonstrated against alleged fraudulent activity in the electoral process and demanded an overhaul of Malaysia's electoral commission ahead of general elections widely expected for early next year.

Malaysian Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi had vowed to suppress the demonstration, and on Saturday police had erected roadblocks and ramped up security in an attempt to close down the city's center.

Nevertheless, in defiance of a government ban, between 30,000 and 40,000 demonstrators massed outside the royal palace in Kuala Lumpar, according to media reports. Opposition group leader and former deputy prime minister Anwar Ibrahim put the number much higher, claiming more than 100,000 people had gathered in the streets.

One witness said police fired tear gas and jets of "chemically-laced water" at hundreds of demonstrators who sought refuge in the city's Jamek mosque and in commercial buildings.

"Squads of police are chasing hundreds of protesters along alleys and on the city streets," the witness said, speaking on condition of anonymity. He said blockades had been set up around the city to hem in demonstrators.

Photos of the crackdown showed protesters dressed in yellow t-shirts and head scarves shielding their heads as water from cannons blasted down on them.

New York-based Human Rights Watch slammed the rally ban and urged the government to support free speech ahead of elections expected to be called early next year.

"If Malaysia wants to count itself a democracy, it can begin by upholding constitutional guarantees of free speech and assembly. The way the system works now, only the ruling coalition can get its messages out," it said.

Human Rights Watch said Malaysian elections have been sullied by vote-buying, the use of public resources by the ruling parties and accusations of bias against the Election Commission.

Malaysia has had only one party in power since 1957.

Speaking to CNN after briefly addressing the opposition-backed rally, Anwar said "we are demanding that the (election) process be cleansed. There are no such thing as fair elections in Malaysia at the moment."

He said a memorandum detailing allegations of corruption by the commission had been handed to Sultan Mizan Zainal Abidin, Malaysia's constitutional monarch.

Malaysian law stipulates the sultan must give his royal assent to the commission after it has been appointed by the government.

Opposition party leaders, including Anwar, called the mass meeting to protest alleged fraudulent activity in the electoral process.

"This was an attempt to threaten the people. But I am very proud that Malaysians were not intimidated and turned out in such great numbers and that they behaved peacefully," Anwar said.
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Anwar was heir apparent to former premier Mahathir Mohamad until 1998, when he was sacked and charged for corruption and sodomy.

The sodomy conviction was overturned, but the corruption verdict was never lifted, barring him from running for political post until next year.

----------
Teargas and water cannons used on illegal assembly, 245 held
By LOONG MENG YEE, PAUL CHOO and RASHITHA A.HAMID
Sunday November 11, 2007
Courtesy of The Star

KUALA LUMPUR: Police used teargas and water cannons to disperse thousands of people who tried to march from Jalan Tun Perak to Dataran Merdeka for an Opposition-led illegal assembly yesterday.

Inspector-General of Police Tan Sri Musa Hassan said the police were forced to use teargas and water cannons because the marchers refused to disperse when instructed to do so at 2.30pm. He put their number at 4,000.

He said 245 people were detained for questioning but were released after their statements were recorded.

"We exercised restraint in our approach and only resorted to using teargas and water cannons to disperse the gathering," Musa said, adding that no teargas or water was sprayed into the Masjid Jamek mosque in Jalan Tun Perak.

The gathering was organised by The Coalition for Clean and Fair Election (Bersih), a group of 60 non-governmental organisations supported by five Opposition parties.
Thousands had gathered at five meeting points in the city – the National Mosque, Masjid Jamek, Dataran Merdeka, Central Market and at Jalan Tuanku Abdul Rahman next to the Sogo departmental store – as early as 8am to join in a walk to the Istana Negara.

Police only used teargas and water cannons at the Masjid Jamek meeting point.
At 3.55pm, Bersih’s representative Dr Syed Azman Syed Ahmad Nawawi handed a memorandum to a palace official. The document urged the Yang di-Pertuan Agong to intervene to ensure a fair and just election.

He was accompanied by PAS president Datuk Seri Abdul Hadi Awang, DAP adviser Lim Kit Siang and Parti Keadilan Rakyat de facto leader Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim.
The marchers began dispersing at about 4.30pm.

Routine

2007-10-13T19:51:00.000+10:00

Five a.m. in the morning. Flecks of sunlight can be seen through the window. Forty days and a whole lot of sleepless nights, I'm over it. It's done anyway; I click the button on my screen that says 'Submit' and I'm off to bed.

Nighthound. Functioning during the day is hard enough as it is; dealing with caffeine and ChocolateChipMuffin addiction makes the game tougher. My friends ask if I'm OK. Yeah, I tell them, never been better. Still there's no hiding from sleeping during lectures or blanking out afterwards.

I'm allowing myself to think that eating less will help me solve my problems. One cube of cheese for lunch? Bones are still not visible, perhaps my flab is thick enough to hide them away. I don't have an eating disorder, I tell the bf, I'm just having a rough time with assignments.

The horror. Assignments. Who am I kidding. I'm doing this degree for fucks, just because daddy told me so (literally?). Waking up at 4pm on a Saturday is no excuse for dodging a week full of reports. Then there are the readings and midsemester tests.

How the others do it I don't know. But I'm paranoid. I give up too easily yet force myself too hard. I'm full of contradictions about myself and my work.

The bf has gone out for a morning party. WTF is that. Now they're invading daylight too, these drunk fuckers (no offense). Booze sex and drugs, it's a different world from my sheltered existence (as a loner).

I've got the cat to keep me company, if only he'd stop pestering me for more food or affection.

Dinner time. Bf is not back yet (so it’s very quiet). I'll just have to entertain myself with the telly. Homework on the table will go untouched, rightfully.

Sydney

2007-09-28T09:03:00.001+10:00

One suitcase. 27 degree heat.

Having the time of my life before reality (a.k.a. university) kicks in on Monday.

Photos here.

Meins

2007-09-05T23:11:00.000+10:00

This is an eBay ad screened in Germany in 2004. Sure as hell beats the eBay trolley ad from the States!

Enjoy.

Test

2007-08-31T02:30:00.001+10:00

Taking into account the developments in the past 1 year, with a major revamp to Permanent Residency and Citizenship hurdles, it starts to look as though all those petty immigrants who come over here are looking less and less welcomed. Take for instance the proposed citizenship test where a future citizen must get 12 out of 20 questions correct before they are allowed citizenship.

Sample questions include “In what year did the European settlement of Australia start?”, “What is the floral emblem of Australia?” and “Who is the Queen's representative in Australia?”. These are not just ordinary multiple choice questions that any high school kid can answer. In fact I’m starting to wonder how many people born and bred in Australia all their lives, are able to answer all these questions correctly. Does it make you un-Australian if you didn’t know that Acacia pycnantha is the national flower? And that 1st September is National Wattle Day?

What if you didn’t even know the difference between a ‘brigalow’ and a ‘mulga’, or why Gum trees are really called gum trees, or that there are three levels of government in Australia, or that a pobblebonk is really a frog and a dunny is really a toilet, or that Mt Kosciuszko was named by a Polish man, Paul Edmund de Strezlecki? (Fancy spelling those names for your citizenship test!) Does that make you less Australian? What IS Australian btw, when Australia is made up of such a diverse range of people from different backgrounds whose combined heritage has contributed to the meaning of the word?

I understand the strict requirements for a certain standard of English because it is important that people who stay here speak the language where in some places is the only language ever spoken, but often the language barrier is a main hurdle faced by many people who do not come from English speaking backgrounds. The implications of these screenings may not be great to Australia but are certainly important for those who seek to escape the strife of their motherland.

I also fail to understand how a person can be judged as being un-Australian based on some pro-white view of the world and of Australia? I would not be surprised if this test is made without any representation or views from the other levels of society (okay, yes, I mean ‘coloured’ people). And just so you know, the Europeans were not the first to discover Australia (sorry Captain Cook, you were late by at least 40,000 years).

Next thing you know, they’ll be asking questions like, “It is okay for people to climb Uluru and snap pictures at the summit. True/False”. No prizes for guessing what the recommended answer will be.

The citizenship test proposal was conceived to ensure that future migrants will be able to integrate better and adopt ‘Australian values’ during their stay here. Truth is, if you are judged based on the amount of information you know out of a text book and your only motivation to learning all the material in it is to get that passport, then we all know how effective it will be in getting people to integrate.

The people who are proposing this test are forgetting about other aspects of multiculturalism. What about the diversity of languages used in the media? What about the representation of coloured people in Parliament or even local councils here? John So may be the mayor of Melbourne but the real power and decision making lie with the people who work in the same office as him (all coincidently colourless). He remains to this day, the Mascot Mayor.

Multiculturalism cannot be represented in a highly polarised society.

I’ll be quick to point out that there are increasing amounts of first-hand migrants to Australia (especially overseas students) who fail to integrate into society. Also those migrating as refugees, escaping war torn countries and abuse in their homeland; how well these people are coping with the whole idea of ‘being Australian’ remains unclear, but I know from experience that it is very scary and hard to be on the minority end of the scale, and as such many people resort to familiarity and escape the need to mingle with the rest of society for fear of rejection and other differences.

But multiculturalism does not mean having a large ethnic diversity in your cities, huddled away in their own respective ghettos shopping in their own specialist stores hanging around with their own types and completely alienating every one else. Nor does it mean the coloured and the colourless all living together in the same city in peace love harmony with no race riots.

Who’s fault is it that FAMA funded students come here to stay in overpriced ghettos, presumably knowing little of what lies outside CitySaver boundaries (or ski resorts for that matter), who refuse to take one step further and make friends with the Aussie bloke who sits next to you in class? Probably many people are at fault, but the fact remains that little is being done to tackle the problem of non-integration between migrants and locals apart from coming up with this shonky test.

A citizenship test would probably cause further division of such complex social structures because it sets out clear utilitarian views about who’s-who and what’s-what.

Language

2007-08-30T23:56:00.000+10:00

There’s legislation in place to protect those who look ‘different’ from the colourless, or who do not share the same basic cultural upbringing, religion and/or belief. But where do we draw the line between cultural sensitivity and insult?

Take my lecturer for instance. It took him two months before he worked out that English was my first language and that he didn't need to pronounce his words like a 5-year-old when talking to me. The poor old man, bless him, but it brings me to the point about stereotypes and issues with language and culture.

Where I come from, people don't pretend to speak a language. They just do. There's no monoculture when it comes to communication; I myself can speak three languages fluently (and two dialects not so fluently but it gets me my cup of coffee and newspaper in the morning). Very rarely is a person monolingual; even rarer is a language learnt for reasons other than for daily use (yes my dear chingkophiles, learning a new language so you can go for a 6 month exchange to China does not count you as being multilingual). Every extra language you speak is an extra opportunity to build networks in the business community and meet new people.

Don’t forget about the added advantages of being able to order better food than the average English speaking tourist (hell yes, food is important!). Kuey teow daging kering tambah mata kerbau tak mahu sayur tak mau si-ham pedas sikit tambah belacan kalau ada dan teh-O ais limau kurang manis dengan sikit ais. Fried noodles, and a drink, you say?

Many assume that I am inept and passive (until I launch into jargon-spewing speeches with the heaviest Okka accent I can administer). Just because I have narrow eyes it doesn't mean that I don't have a mouth to speak.

Stress

2007-08-29T23:54:00.000+10:00

Stress

Stress

Headache

Panadol

Toilet

Breaks

Give

Comfort.

Work

Work

Money

Unhappiness

Crowded

Trams

Full

Of

Bogans.

Laughter

Comes

Hard

But

Not

Grey

Hairs

And

Uncontrolled

Fits.

Stress

Heartburn

Vomit

Blood

Starvation

And

Sleep

Deficiency.

Test

Test

Every

Week

Exam

Gives

Headache

Study

Stress

Pain

In The Neck.

I

Want Out.

Feet

2007-08-23T21:57:00.000+10:00

A very pretty ad, with a cool soundtrack and pretty colours. You'll only know what its about at the end of the ad!

Enjoy.

Puss

2007-08-22T01:09:00.001+10:00

Again, another pic of pusscat.

(That hairy hand is not mine!!! It belongs to the angmoh!)

Shame

2007-08-21T22:33:00.000+10:00

People accuse me of being racist, being sticky towards my own group of Malaysian people who come to this country as cash cows to help out the poor impoverished students who otherwise can't afford to help the university meet its spectacular seven digit budget, and yet at the same time there are those who remain within their ghettos of supremacy of all that is white and freckled, all that is blond blue green brown and hazel, who only want to mix around with others who resemble themselves closely and those who share in their ideals and upbringings.

'I only speak/hang out/ make friends/ have sex with other caucasians". Now, isn't that the same as calling me pulut hitam? Hypocrites.

Oh and BTW just so you know I’ve had sex with more colours than the rainbow flags you see on Pride day.

Although my English speaking skills which are comparable if not better than many of those out there, I still get people speaking to me slowly and a-little-too-clear-for-my-liking as though English is some form of gibberish in my dictionary. I love bitch-slapping them back with a whole string of words, usually derogatory, spoken in the fastest manner a Malaysian like myself can possibly speak, sometimes sending them reeling across the floor in shock and disbelief.

Yes, I realise I have a tan, and it is inbuilt. Genetic. I didn't ask for it. I didn't buy it at Safeway with my credit card. It's natural. Same with my narrow eyes, black hair, dark brown irises, small nose, low brow and flat forehead. All the better for you to tell me apart from the rest of the crowd, innit?

It must feel so good when you look different from me, because you link this look to that of 3rd World hardship and barbaric mentalities. What's the word for it? Oh yes. 'Uncultured', you say. In comparison with your melanoma-plastered skin and fake blond hair?

Rotten mangosteen. Give us back that Malaysian made computer of yours. And the sofa. And the plasma TV. And the…

If you can't accept that difference, nor step out of your blond haired mentality and face the fact that you're just jealous that I can do so many things that you have to strive so hard to do (such as keeping a small waist and an almost permanent tan with no fuss at all), then perhaps you belong there together with the rest of your mates who also love wallowing in the ‘exclusive’ pit with other grandmother-smelling cunts.

You like noodles, you say?

“Selective exclusion” may be alive and well in Australia, but it’s not coming from my Malaysian tight and firm arse. I'm fucking studying here long-term, I have friends from all ethnicities and religious affinities, and I have my angmoh. Your turn.

(Oh and pity cause I’m really fucking good in bed)

That's Me!bourne

2007-08-19T00:41:00.000+10:00

Here's another TV-spot for your viewing pleasure. This was an effort to promote Melbourne city to the world in 2006. Enjoy.

Childhood

2007-08-14T00:17:00.000+10:00

Going around perpetually in circles without cause or meaning. In the distance, the blinding light of man made structures is enveloped within the pitch blackness of the sky. Loneliness beckons; silence is his muse.

Chill. Shivers travel the length of my fingertips. The body is sensitive to delicate nuances of an indecisive environment.

Random

2007-08-10T06:55:00.000+10:00

Taking the 8.14 now. It's funny how I've ascended 10mins up the commuter que and yet the carriage is still packed as ever. This is how they do it because they can.

Warm dry air. The mercury says 16 but it feels like 25. I've not been able to walk around with shorts and no shirt to hide my airport runway for almost 5 months now, but it feels like forever since I last carried my doona out to catch what little sun that was left. Caterpillars are back; whole clumps of Agonizanthus flavidus have been defoliated.

$6. That's the price you pay to get cheap food. Two dollops of gooey gunk with unidentifiable pieces of brown stuff floating in it and green bits chopped up into a mush and presented with soy sauce. I've become immune to bad food; I no longer have fits on the floor after lunches.

There's nothing on in the Rowdy. 盛夏茪哖? Fun. I've got 4 hours to kill and I'm just sitting here staring into DNA thinking about my own measurements. I can't make up my mind; one moment I want to be 31 185 78 and the next I want 27 171 64. Yes, these are actual measurements of people (take a guess who). Lady in front of me barks. I accidentally toppled her water bottle with my Zac Efron limbs while busy deciding if purple cashmere goes with pink flannel.

Miyazaki. Funny skinny Japanese character running around womanising girls. It's interesting how the Whites are the villans that must be eliminated. Maybe he's trying to say FUCKYOU to those Americans who so unskillfully dub his DVD's and act as though they understand Japan better than the Japanese themselves. Main character is actually freaking hot. I'm getting attracted to CG-humanoids?

Burger King has upped its ante by adding more burgers to its already humongous burger list. Fatty fries that will make even Homer happy. Bloody coke machine is all out of the stuff, so no free refills. My grubby fingers grab away at the chips in front of me. I'm in hell's heaven.

A mind of his own. Taking a 3.5-hour walk to goodness knows where I'm left with my own insecurities about his whereabouts. Hastily open the window in the hope he'd jump in and sure enough a loud 'thud' moments later to signal his return, then three purrs for food. So characterisic pusscat, hasn't changed a bit since I've met him 11 months ago, except for an expanding waistline due to pampering from the big boss.

Well matched suit to quell the straight boys. Unbuttoning five seems to be taken very seriously. People are asking me those sort of questions again and I feel like smashing my turd into their faces. Birthday party girl is playing MIA yet again. No smoke, instead sourish scents of the Orient. Golden malau on the dance floor. This place is 99.99999999% InternationalAsianstudents, myself adding to the statistic. You can tell because they're either with JD or with Chivas or both. These straight boys/girls are more insecure than the drags at Xchange. I need to sit down but idiot lala-mui takes up three seats with her anorexic bottom and a LV the size of a body bag. Yes biatch here comes my fat ass to invade the couch; talk to the HugoBoss cause the middle finger ain't listening. $8.50 Blonde stubbies anyone??!

I spell R-I-P-O-F-F on the wall using JD but no one admires my work of art; even the bouncers are too busy carting away comatose dunks.

Five days without internet and I already need my fix. TPG is doing what everyone is doing, taking their time. Speed. Speed. Speed. Where art thou. Millions of unchecked mail sitting in my inbox, delight replaced with IDontKnowWhatButIKnowThisFeelingSucks. All but three are spam; Three non-spam mail requesting I settle outstanding debts asap. The world misses me this much.

The boyfriend is astonished that the baby can grow to 6m. Well that's in Melbourne; give it tropical and we're talking 12m or more. Ficus aurea a.k.a. STRANGLING FIG in Horse Bazaar, with two of his friends; I'm left to stare at the fluorescence emitted from five wall mounted projectors and doodle invisible scowls on the rotting furniture. Ficus aurea is bending towards the window in frantic search of better quality wavelengths, almost as if to shun the projectors. Stale beer on the floor. Weirdo fartsybartsy people look at me as though I'm a threat to their existence, unconcerned with the amount of visible dandruff scales they leave on their MelbourneBlack outfits.

Potty is finally out; the drama is over (THANK GOD). Successfully fending off potential spoilers (by banning them on MSN) and screaming at girls on the tram who couldn’t stop talking about who died, I managed to keep the suspense to myself... that is, until I discovered that there was none. Sure a bunch of people died but you can tell even JK wants the story to end, the way she wrote it. Anticlimax with a capital 'K'. Severus, my favourite, is once more largely unmentioned. Borrowing is a good idea if you don’t want to contribute to JK’s pension. Reading HP is like driving a ute or watching straight porn; even if it’s your first and last, you still have to try it.

Winning lottery combination is.... who cares. Fat old unemployed people maybe, but I'm more concerned about global warming and all that shit. Bungle in Haneef's case. We're becoming more afraid like the Americans; coloured people who own dead SIM cards are a threat to national security?? Perhaps reverse apartheid in South Africa is trying to tell us something about cultural sensitivity and prejudice.

Aspirin. Sometimes killing the headache is more difficult than living with it. Where's my energy? Tea is the second most important beverage next to coffee. Note taking has its moments; "Three Steps to Gain An Erection: an Anatomical Overview".

8.24 again. I'm back to the old times because Connex has obligingly delayed three trains. Gay boy twirling his hair and biting his nails. Train arrives surprisingly empty; where are all the people?

Oh right; dream. Hot shower awaits.

জন গণ মন

2007-08-09T01:15:00.000+10:00

জনগণমন-অধিনায়ক জয় হে ভারতভাগ্যবিধাতা!
পঞ্জাব সিন্ধু গুজরাট মরাঠা দ্রাবিড় উৎ‍‌কল বঙ্গ
বিন্ধ্য হিমাচল যমুনা গঙ্গা উচ্ছলজলধিতরঙ্গ
তব শুভ নামে জাগে, তব শুভ আশিস মাগে,
গাহে তব জয়গাথা।
জনগণমঙ্গলদায়ক জয় হে ভারতভাগ্যবিধাতা!
জয় হে, জয় হে, জয় হে, জয় জয় জয়, জয় হে॥

জনগণমন-অধিনায়ক জয় হে ভারতভাগ্যবিধাতা!

Thai Harder

2007-08-05T03:41:00.000+10:00

Another really good ad, for Yellow Pages. Enjoy.

Potty

2007-07-20T01:26:00.000+10:00

For those Harry Potter fans out there, here is Melbourne's version of the whomping willow.

Happy Harry Potter book release day.

Chill

2007-07-18T04:47:00.000+10:00

Shades of grey outside. I am forced to withdraw myself under the comfort of my doona, cranking the thermostat to 40 and pulling the blinds down to keep the heat inside. The floorboards are nasty. I reckon the landlord did not put carpet in on purpose so that we’ll suffer. I have a hunch that landlords and real estate agents are cunts who will lie to you and rob you of every cent in return for a shabby accommodation that is so poorly insulated that you could keep red meat on the floor and it won’t go stale.

4pm. This is the time I've been waking up for the past month, often because I was up till sunrise the day before. My sleep cycle is fucked. I've forgotten what breakfast and lunch is, and my dinner is like tea.

I have chosen to go down the path of the unemployed, perhaps even oblivious to the rapidly decreasing figures in my bank account. Whatever amounts of sunlight I have are swallowed away from me as I take my time getting out from under this doona. I feel comfortable and safe in this spot, in my most favourite place in the world, my bed.

Friends? Who are they? I've not seen a friend in days. They're all busy running about pursuing their capitalist lifestyle and living on their parent's sweat and blood. That's the thing see, I don't know any real people. Everyone's just living off someone else, parasites they call ‘em. Even I, snobby as I seem, live off my scholarship, allowing me to indulge in sloth.

Video games. Reminds me of my horny horny teen days. I'm surprised my stubby old fingers can still work its magic. I've played Super Mario all over again and finished it thrice, and when I grew bored of it I gave myself more abandonware to fiddle with. My father was really clever when he got me this laptop; it's so shitty that I can't even run Warcraft on it. It crashes on me.

Ice cream and chocolate during non-exam periods? Unheard of. My body must still be in stressed mode. Coca is the No.1 chemical substance known to man that helps you to stay slim. Don't trust your mother, she doesn't know as much as I do. But I'm rapidly gaining weight even with the increased chocolate intake. Could it be the fatty chips and Indomie I’m having for meals?

Gym is distant and cold. Even in trekkies and a hoodie I feel the chill up my legs. Going to the gym in winter is so not cool. People wear more layers in winter, generally less showy of their nice hot legs which is a pity really. No excuses for not going to the gym. I just haven't been going.

Coffee is unappealing in winter. Something about the caffeine just doesn't do it for me. You'd think I'll be sipping away at hot drinks but no, it's chilled juice and Coke bottoms up. I'm a very weird and difficult to predict.

Caterpillars are back... in winter? The little buggers don't seem to hibernate. I've lost the crown of two shrubs so far in the past week, and when it stops raining I'm going to give the little buggers some pesticide. Well something's gotta die, innit. It’s either the shrubs or the bugs.

Boyfriend is working hard. He's been tied up in the office a lot (and no I don’t mean literally), and even though I see less and less of the daylight I still feel his absence. I'm all alone in the house for most of the day. Well, almost; just me and the puss cat, but he prefers to go to sleep for 15 hours a day while I can only manage 8. So that silence is there, a change from having noisy guests around, I guess, but I feel it's starting to bug me.

University is five days away. Soon the books will start piling on my desk and paper will start filling the folders. I'll have less time to myself and the boyfriend, less time for my friends, for my bed and for my MSN. Which is good, really, because I've been having a nice long holiday doing absolutely bollocks so a little bit of challenge and work shouldn't hurt.

I said SHOULDN'T.

Then again, I do miss the exams, because even in the midst of torture and frustration there was an end in mind, whereas at present my bored existence seems almost perpetual.

Inhibition

2007-07-17T03:40:00.000+10:00

Blogs are public displays of the things that don't necessarily have to manifest themselves in your outward appearance. You want the world to know what you have to say even though it's some crappy post about the fish you ate for dinner or the skirt you bought at Myer. By making your life digital, you overcome the inhibition to remain within your own mind space and exert control over the freedom of expression that has since become guaranteed in our constitution.

And though it may be that blogs serve as avenues of self expression, the blogger also realises that his target audience cannot necessarily be monitored leaving a whole realm of possibilities for retribution.

You can't stop your mother from clicking on link in an ad she saw online that redirected her to a website with a blog link to a blog roll which links her to Technorati showing a URL to a blog which talks about this other blog that's fantastic to read and all... oh wait a minute that's YOUR blog... And all hell breaks lose because someone who shouldn't be reading your blog is in fact, drooling all over the keyboard hungry for you to divulge more information that will give them enough evidence to come after you and persecute you to oblivion. Every human being will have an urge to get back at you if you've said something against their belief, and blogs serve as hives of information to the unwary cyber trawler.

So many bloggers, especially celebrity bloggers are very careful what they post online. You don't necessarily want to comment on the national policies of a country that you live in if you're not very fond of the ISA knocking on your door and taking you away to a dark dark place.

What about any reference to "terror" and "extremism"? Unless you really like Villawood, then if your front page has a portrait of The-Man, Encik Bin Laden and a slogan which contains among others, words such as "jihad", "Muslim" or "al-Qaeda". Above all, you don't want to discuss marital/ couple issues even if you feel the strongest urge to do so, especially if you know that the likely audience for your blog include your partner's friends and family.

People will get talking, in front of your face and behind your back, when you say something controversial on your blog. And bitches move into full attack mode when they grab hold of information that will give them fuel to feed their insatiable bitching needs.

Malaysian ministers went to great lengths to make sure that Malaysians knew that "anyone who posts issues that fire racial dissent will not be protected by the Government... instead persecuted to the full extent of the law". Censorship and propaganda are effective ways a corrupt government resorts to so that they can do evil things without everyone knowing that they're actually being the Big Bad Wolf. Am I typing this at risk of the ISA? Who knows.

In being available to the public eye, a certain level of privacy ensnares the writer and he/she is sometimes forced to back down from speaking their mind about a certain issue even if it keeps them awake at night at the expense of precious beauty sleep.

Which is understandable, we can only divulge a certain part of our lives and thoughts to the wider audience leaving out large chunks which can get us into serious trouble. We store away our true thoughts from prying eyes even when the ISA is not involved. When I read people's blogs everything seems to be coated in a layer of icing, redirecting the reader’s attention from a real issue to something more acceptable or positive.

They’d rather talk about the surrounding circumstances than the issue itself. This is truly disappointing because then what good are blogs? On one hand there are legal criteria to be met and on the other our own conjured fairytale of how a problem should be viewed (often omitting the core of the problem in whole).

Why can’t everyone just say, ‘look, here’s the issue’?

Why is everyone so afraid?

TV-Spot - Bonds

2007-07-16T04:32:00.000+10:00

The music is really suitable for the ad, and the people in the ad are not Hollywood-style characters, with little makeup if any, further adding to he beauty and simplicity of this ad. No fancy computer graphics, no elaborate themes or setups, just plain footage of a guy and a girl and a set of hoodies.

And the kiss. Romantic.

BONDS is a popular Australian brand. Enjoy.

Kapcai

2007-07-11T03:05:00.000+10:00

Back in my highschool days having a motorcycle was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Grades, friends, company, gay relationships, all were secondary to having a motorcycle in my garage.

Petrol prices were never a concern in 2002-2003, back then probably US$20 a barrel and government subsidies meant that we got petrol at RM1.21 per litre. Bargain, because I could run on four litres a week and still have excess before my next top up. Well at least the motorcycle I had wasn’t a fuel guzzler. Suzuki 4-stroke 110cc kapcai motorcycle, complete with basket and helmet case. I’d look really lala riding one of those in my green and white school uniform; people often mistook me for the gangsters which hung out at Kayu Ara buzzing their 2-stroke engines at 3am and breaking windscreens with their helmets.

I was rather tame on the motorcycle but it still gave me two accidents in three years. The first was really the car’s fault, but the second was mine. Nowadays looking at the scars I have on my limbs I can almost feel the vibration of my kapcai as it impacted the car... feel the hardness of the tarmac as I got flung across it... the impact of the road on my helmet as it smashed against it...

It still lingers, that feeling of utter helplessness and fear as you’re traveling at 80kmph in a less glamourous way than Superman ever would dare.

In both cases, my kapcai never sustained any damage other than a few extra scratches, whilst I had to be hospitalised. Bugger of a bike.

~

Public transport in KL is never something you’d wish you had to resort to on a daily basis. Neither is driving a car either; snarls are more common than teh tarik stalls.

But the motorcycle gives you freedom to zap through traffic, to travel into narrow lanes where cars can only dream of accessing, climbing mountain tracks that are really meant for pedestrians (I only did it once I swear!) and above all, FREE PARKING. That is, if you don’t mind the rain and smog.

So many memories. Late night Roti canai with myself and my kapcai because I had no friends to hang out with at 4am. Carrying my belongings when I was forced to shift house, yet again. Shopping at the night market and carrying durians in the basket. Traffic fines for parking on a pedestrian pathway. A hot girl (my classmate) sitting on the back of the motorcycle with her miniskirt and crossed legs as we rode our way to a night club. Rolling down a hill with the clutch released and eyes closed, hoping that no car would suddenly pop out from a junction and hit me.

So many memories.

It gave me strength to move on, and above all, I felt as though I had it all under control. I was a rather lonely kid back then, and I still am. The only things that kept me company were my kapcai and the humming sound of its engine as I rode around the city, locked away in my own world with the helmet on my head and my mind in a nutshell.

I remember the days I used to play music on my walkman (yes, I couldn’t afford anything better) as I did a ride up the hills at night... just myself and my kapcai under the eerie yellow sodium lights and the cold chilly air from the forest, just running the same song again and again without ever getting sick of it.

Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here"

Flesh

2007-07-09T01:25:00.000+10:00

Like, this is really bugging me. So what's with us MEN. I mean is there something in our heads that tell us 'Oh hello give me the one with the flesh please'?

Man flesh.

It's this whole thing about seduction and who can bare more without baring it all. A tea towel to hide your crotch? Sure, we'll pay you half a million to run that ad. More common nowadays are 'naturist' shots where the well greased body is set amongst lush greenery or some everyday object like a lawnmower or your neighbour's letter box.

It has become so normal now that you can't escape from it. Gay publications are plastered with ever increasing amounts of flesh, be it hairy or smooth, white or black, brown or green, they come in all forms. Even advertisements you see along Chapel St., if they're specifically targeting gay men then you can sure as hell bet that there will be some man flesh on it.

Take for example the million and one party banners that have 'the perfect body' smack right in the centre of the poster. I mean seriously, not everyone goes to a party just because its poster has on it a man with a hairy chest and pointy nipples.

Saunas are another classic example. Beautiful bodies, perfect bronzed tans, winning Colgate smiles planted all over their advertisements. When you step into a sauna, you find anything but that, usually fat old men with falling teeth/ dentures who don’t take the time to mow their chest hair so it clumps up like lawn grass. The words ‘misleading and deceptive conduct’ are too mild to be used here.

Try opening AXNational or DNA. Pages and pages of nude or semi nude men from the front to the back, your eyes can’t help but look at their bodies and check out their have and have-nots. It’s like soft porn, these magazines. Informative at some point, yes, but do they really have to include so much skin together with the article 'Top 10 Resorts' or 'Breakfast Recipes'??? Take Men’s Health for example. Their goal must be to get people exercising and lusting after a perfect body that they will never have.

GQ has very little flesh in it in comparison, and much more text that’s mostly crap and not worth reading. So as you get closer and closer to straight men’s magazines, you get less and less man flesh. Smell a correlation?

Printers probably stock up huge amounts of red and yellow ink just so that they can cope with the volume of flesh printed.

The people in these magazines/ posters are usually well built or slim built with nice curves and well manicured hair (both on the head and in other places). Seduction is the key; poses play an equally important role in grabbing the unwary gay man's attention, using the (usually) brown colour of man flesh and the careful positioning of lights to accentuate his butt crack. Talk about propaganda! No wonder so many gay men have insecurity issues re their bodies (me included).

If you want your blog to do well in cyberspace but have zero writing skills, paste a lot of nude pics on it and no it doesn’t have to be amateur pics, any porno star will do. The word will spread like bushfire in the blogosphere and the hounds will come running. Voila. One million hits in five months you say? Done.

So are we gay men really flesh hungry, or is the world feeding our appetite with more than we can digest?

Ski

2007-07-02T04:08:00.000+10:00

Photos from last year.

iPerbole?

2007-06-30T16:03:00.000+10:00

You tell me what this is all about.

Okay, so here's a dude in Fifth Ave. New York, obviously jubilant that he's got his hands on this piece of 'technology' as they would like to call it, with the people at the back CLAPPING HANDS AS THOUGH IT IS A GRAND ACHIEVEMENT?

So yeah, you've just cashed your savings into Steve Jobs's bank account to make him (and his associates) a few thousand dollars richer. Thank you and have a nice day, let’s all clap and celebrate his riches.

Yay for the 'Yay' factor.

~

"The REVOLUTIONARY iPhone comes with mobile, internet (email, web browsing etc.) and iPod functions..."

Oh wow. This is SO DAMN unique. Like, we've just discovered that mobile phones are mobile. They've started a revolution. And internet browsing, wow, NO OTHER PHONE CAN DO IT? Give me a break. iPod functions. Fine, so that's new on the shelf, but don't we already have the Sony Ericsson K810i and other phones like it with mp3 players inbuilt into the phone? Revolutionary iPhone, they dare say.

Again, Apple has not been shy to flaunt its low battery life. 5 hours of talk/browsing/email? 16 hours of audio playback? Try run the two together, audio playback and talk, and you end up with a phone that needs a charger at every available location. Your car, your office desk, your living room, the restaurant, the toilet...

The best thing is, just like every other Apple creation, the batteries are NON-REMOVABLE. That's right. You will have to send them back the phone so that they can remove it for you (which coincidentally means that you will be cut off from talk/browsing/email/iPod for weeks till they get the batteries replaced). Built-in batteries are not user-friendly Mr. Jobs. Then again they fuel monopoly (and hence billions of $$$ extra into your pocket) so that should be a good thing for you, which is what we all want innit? (do you hear the loud applause as an extra few million dollars gets cashed into his bank account?)

Touch screen. That's what it’s all about innit. That's why everyone's calling it the sexy phone, because it comes with no buttons. Then again if you're drunk on a big night out and high on every chemical substance known to man, the last thing you want to be doing is punching a screen and sliding scroll bars just so you can make a call for a cab to take you home. I've got a Nokia that does just that in the touch of ONE button. That's right. ONE button calls a cab. With the 'revolutionary' iPhone, you will need to slide your way into your phone book and punch your way across your contacts hoping that your iPhone registers your touch (assuming also you don’t have a tremor). Ever tried using a touch screen at the Airport to select your flight? You get the drift.

Two Megapixel camera. This is the greatest creation. We've never seen it… for two years? The latest phones all come with 3, 4, and now 5MP cameras. So why has Apple stuck to the miniscule 2MP when the technology for higher pixels is already there? Why not, take out the bloody camera and tell your fans to get an idiotic digital camera if they want that function? Oh wait, you can't do that. Your market share will drop, which means less money for Mr. Jobs and the millions of employees under him. So we'll just have to chuck in the 2MP camera 'to feed the lions' then huh.

In Philadelphia, Mayor John F. Street was among those waiting in line at an AT&T store when he was asked by a 22-year-old passer-by, "How can you sit here with 200 murders in the city already?"

Street told the man: "I'm doing my job."

Enough said.

~

Apple was happy to announce to the world that the iPhone is 'patented', but a quick Google to the copycat centre of the world (a.k.a. China) and no surprises there, we've got a twin! So much for your patent, Apple.

(In case you were wondering, the REAL iPhone is on the right, and the one on the left is the clone)

It is called the P168 (I presume because 168 in Chinese means 'get rich quick', which is sooooo typically Chinese), and not only have they ripped off the wallpaper, they've also put a 2.0MP sticker next to their 1.3MP camera just because they can!

P168. Get it from the store near you. Just don't expect any applauses or fancy packaging.

Stupidity

2007-06-29T23:40:00.000+10:00

Ok like, I know I signed up for a profile... okay fine FOUR profiles... because I want to get to meet people (for the fun of it?), but then again do I really DESERVE a deluge of idiotic emails from brainless hantu who troll the internet in hot pursuit of ‘victims’ just so that they can satisfy their 2-inch Bratwurst (yes, I'm referring to the smell AND the colour).

Of course, you're allowed to be an idiot (the percentile of people on Axcest in this category probably exceeds 90, prove-me-wrong) but looking at the quality (should I be saying quality?) of idiotic messages the boyfriend is getting in comparison, I am starting to question whether or not my cina forehead and sepet eyes are attracting a certain sort of clientele, where the median IQ is anywhere between 20 and 25.

Can people manage to compose an email that does not include the following words?

MSN
STATS
MEET
FRIENDSHIP
SEX
COCK
TOP/BOTTOM
EXCHANGE PICS
ADD ME
H/P NUMBER

NOOO they can't. Apparently they get itchy all over. Like damnit, not everyone wants to know your MSN/phone/dicksize/suburb/versatility. So don't berak it out all in one go and smash it into a person's face, right in your FIRST email ever.

Also if you've never been good at English at least don't try to be smart when I tell you that cuisine is spelled with a 'c' and not a 'k', and 'amusing' is not the same as 'amazing'.

Me: Your ‘More About Me’ section is really amusing. Good read.
Him: Thnx, im v glad u found me amazing.
Me: Not AMAZING. I said AMUSING. Like, funny. Laughable. Hilarious. Comical. Entertaining.
Him: Aiya same thing la.

(-_-)"

~

Here are some other favourites:

Hi I’m new here and looking for friends…

Ok so today you say you want friends, tomorrow you say you want fuck, the day after you say you want fidelity for marriage, and then shortly after, a funeral because you can’t stand to live attached. Right.

I’m up for anything really. I’m a very boring person.

So does anything include arse play using a street lamp post as a dildo and toilet water down your throat through a 10mm tube? Guess not. And if you’re boring, then what makes you think I’ll want to speak to you if the only words you utter to me are ‘hi’ ‘bye’ and ‘how are you’?

Are you into fun?

Expect this answer if you ask me this question:
‘Of course I’m into fun. I do gardening for fun. I drink coffee for fun. I watch movies for fun. I play computer games for fun. Who wants to live a boring life? Duh’. If you want to ask for sex, it's really simple. Just say "Do you want to have sex with me". Sex is not always fun so don't equate the two.

Are you T/B?

I’m U, which stands for UNAVAILABLE. Read my profile carefully please.

Digressing a little, I FUCKING KNOW HOW A DICK LOOKS LIKE, so could you please politely put a face picture of yours so that I can see how that compares to an unwashed, ungroomed and uncircumcised appendage that is no longer than my little toe.

I don’t have a picture here, but I have one on MSN...

Perhaps you don’t get my drift about the if-you-do-not-post-a-picture-
on-your-profile-then-I-gather-you-are-most-probably-no-better-looking-
than-Jocelyn-Wildenstein-and-the-cat-she-so-dearly-loves statement that I frequently insert ‘just by accident’ in my reply mails to those who dare send a request. I’m not asking for Tom Cruise looks, just some reciprocation (especially considering I post darn fucking good pictures for your viewing, thank you). Oh and I also don't talk to headless corpses either, I'm not necrophilic.

Hi, wanna come to malacca?
I can take you around to see the beautiful antique places and try all the malacca specialities like laksa, nyonya zhang, nyona cendol, satay celup. chicken rice balls etc etc.
Some week ends i stay in subang jaya family house to attend buddhist funtions. maybe we can arrange time to meet in subang jaya/usj/pj/kl if you are willing to come to KL for holidays.
You can also reach me in msn, my id is (xxxx-censored-xxxx)

See what I mean. As though I've never eaten those things or been to Malacca! As though I'm desperately looking for someone to take me around and fill me up with goodies before tying me to the rear seat and fucking me till thy kingdom cum.

If you want to seem approachable, then don't fucking think you can lure me with a carrot on a stick the same way pedophiles do to young children just because I look twinky. Five digits in your bank account? Good on ya. Do I care?????? I don’t give a bloody octopus shit what CREDIT CARDS you have or what bloody monkey cunt 4WD you drive. It doesn't get me 'excited' at all, especially if your face resembles a HORSE, your tummy resembles a BEACHED WHALE and chest is flatter than an AIRPORT RUNWAY.

My reply to this cunt?

*****censored by author*******

NB: You get the drift anyway.

~

Fill

2007-06-28T14:58:00.000+10:00

We might bypass Stage 4 Water Restrictions after all.

(Pictures courtesy of Bureau of Meterology and Melbourne Water)

Wild Weather

2007-06-28T01:34:00.000+10:00

Melbourne takes a much needed shower as a low pressure system moves across Gippsland and much of the Alps. Doesn't this remind you of KL?

Poor tree, had to be chopped into pieces to make way for idiotic cars.

Even the roads were not too happy.

And while some had fun with their umbrella in the high winds...

...others were not so lucky.

But the happiest people of the lot all had to be the ones in the Alps, with lots of snow for the 2007 Winter Season.

Happy Winter!

(Pictures courtesy of Herald and Weekly Times)

Kidnap

2007-06-27T01:03:00.000+10:00

This is the victim.

This is the victim, pictured with his family at GSC 1Utama for the promo of The Simpsons movie.

These are the kidnappers, captured by 1Utama carpark CCTV, running away with the victim, helpless in the boot of a Proton Waja.

A reward of RM1000 will be given to anyone who successfully returns the victim to his family. Have fun hunting!

(Pictures courtesy of Reuters)

Tense

2007-06-19T14:21:00.000+10:00

2400 other people in the same hall as you at any one time. Ceilings so tall you can't see the top of it without squinting. Painted murals depicting some idiotic fat lady holding a lance, floral patterns everywhere... Large corridors and huge balconies, you'd think that they'd choose a less pretty building to have an examination.

Just four more days to freedom (and a whole lot of promiscuity).

Can't wait.

8.11

2007-06-16T03:03:00.000+10:00

You know that winter is officially here when the hideous old lady on Ten News tells you that yesterday was the coldest day in Melbourne for the year (3.7°C), leaves of the alien species in Melbourne start shedding their leaves, snow starts falling in the alpine regions and electricity bills go up up up with soaring heater and dryer use.

Occasionally I am reminded of the cold when I step out in the morning with the thickest jacket I can afford (which coincidentally is not very thick at all) but otherwise I am constantly in denial; sheltered from the cold when I enter a restaurant, a room, the train, David Jones, the corner café or The Peel where the heaters are blasting hot air to keep the temperature at a balmy 28°C, its hard to imagine that winter is already here.

But when the fog comes, no degree of mind control can keep you in denial.

We've not been hit with any significant rain lately, and the fog just makes matters worse because it’s like rain without the raindrops. You can feel the droplets gather on the lenses of your glasses as well as in your well-gelled hair.

The pavements are wet from all the microscopic droplets, vision is impaired and you can feel the chill burn through the five layers of wool that you are wearing, sending shivers up your bone and into your spine where you feel the pain rattle your brains and solidify your blood.

Even more so when you have to sit for a fucking exam in the Royal Exhibition Building in Carlton (namely, the 'wooden shed'), with no adequate heating, 15m high ceilings that dissipate whatever heat that is available and stone cold wooden floors under the thick soles of your shoes.

8.11am. 5.2°C. Six 400-word essays away and two frozen palms.

Bummer.

Online Flowers

2007-06-10T02:04:00.000+10:00

Yeah so, I should be studying, but hey this is WAAAY more important.

Like, how much does it cost a person to make a bouquet of flowers? I mean, flowers are not all that expensive. I can get seven stalks of Strelitzia reginae (Birds of Paradise flower), one Heliconia stricta (Crab-Claw Heliconia), with three Doryanthes excelsa (Gymea lily) leaves and a bunch-full of Xanthorrhoea australis (grass tree) leaves for under $30, and make a stunning bouquet of flowers.

Online, there's a florist that's selling the exact combination for $175.

And you'd think that cost includes delivery. No, no, no way. Add $12 for delivery.

Want a balloon with that? Try another $15.

A soft toy in the form of a cheap Teddy bear made in the sweatshops of China? Add $40.

'Up-size' the bouquet? Add $100.

It's daylight robbery if you ask me.

They even sell flowers in glass jars. One dozen Tulipa 'Meissner Porzellan' hybrids for $125 (street price $25, glass jar maybe $5?) But the greatest rip-off has got to be the Rose-In-The-Box, ‘for the perfect girl of your dreams’, at $40 for ONE blardy rose in a cardboard box. I mean come on, I can get three dozen roses for that price! What box you want? Box from David Jones? Also can, just $5.99 extra. What, wrapping paper you say? Borders wrapping paper for $2.99. These people are NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s like, who the hell would buy flowers from these guys? I mean okay you're paying for convenience so you don't have to get your fat legs down to the market and buy the flowers for yourself so they charge a bit higher for that service but then again I think $99 for four Banksia integrifolia cones in a box is REALLY pushing it too far.

Apparently the flowers are 'carefully selected' by a 'master florist at a location near you' (WTF is a MASTER florist??? what, you mean he has a Masters in arranging flowers ah??). For all you know its some bored old housewife who's got nothing better to do in her flower shop than to get rid of her excess old stock that didn't sell over the weekend.

Better still, they use 'the finest most high quality hand made paper wrapped delicately around your bouquet', all for the ADDITIONAL price of $36. So that means if you didn't see this 'additional cost', that will mean you still get the flowers in a bouquet but wrapped in cheap plastic. OMG what a rip off.

A quick Google online and I could find similar paper for under $8 a piece.

Woh. Gold mine. I should open an online florist too.

I visited the Singaporean equivalent and they had close up pictures of some of the flower species that were offered on sale. At the bottom, a carefully positioned chat box was filled with comments, one which said:

"I think you should post more pictures on the gallery on flowers as pupils who wants to do projects like me, will find it difficult to find info."

Like, have you heard of Google you idiot.

SOOOOO Singaporean though.

The world is sometimes very twisted.

Broadband

2007-06-07T19:27:00.001+10:00

I HATE broadband providers.

Like, all of a sudden, the network chooses to go gila on me. Now the speed is 1/10th of the speed I used to get, and even then the line keeps dropping.

And for the amount I'm paying, I'm not happy.

I still remember being part of the TMNet Streamyx pool of customers who were constantly in the dark whenever some network outage occurred. I remember venting my frustration to customer care that put me perpetually on hold and even then when someone DID answer it they had no fucking clue what you were asking them so they put you on hold AGAIN. The stupid service cost us fucking RM88 for a 1.0Mbps line, which by today's standards is truly and utterly THIRD WORLD, and you'd be lucky if it didn't crash at least once a month.

Not that people weren't using their bloody BitTorrent and Limewire to fuck up the network to begin with, but that’s beside the point. Why do we have such slow speeds and lines that keep disconnecting???

Even our own MP Datuk Seri Dr. Chua Soi Lek is annoyed with the quality of telecommunications in Malaysia. In a statement issued by our Health Minister, he said that 'Malaysian telephone lines need to be upgraded. It’s the truth. It’s so difficult to get a clear line'. This after our poor Health Minister had a fucked up video conference (of course, fortunately just a ‘trial’ one, nothing ‘official’) with Terengganu’s state health director. You can read about the article here.

Hey hey but modems come bundled FREE with Streamyx packages. Goodies.

WE DESERVE CHEAP AND RELIABLE BROADBAND!

Here in Australia everybody's pointing a finger at everybody, over who should be responsible for the Third World service that they have here. Not only are the plans massively expensive they are also unreliable (like now, when the line’s crashed and everybody’s blaming Telstra because they own all the lines and there’s nothing anybody can do about it).

Telstra is the main culprit (otherwise known as ‘shitface’) in this whole debate in Australia because of their reluctance to open the broadband network to rival ISP’s at a low cost. Since they own all the infrastructure they get to be the BigBrother of broadband and charge ridiculous fees to any ISP who needs to use their line to offer broadband.

ISP’s go one step further to CAP your monthly download, so when you exceed that cap you automatically get throttled down to 64kbps (dialup speed!!!!!!!!) for the remainder of the month before the cap is reset the following month. In other words, GUILT when using YouTube, GUILT when downloading 2GB porn, GUILT when viewing high resolution pictures of a guy’s chest, GUILT when letting BitTorrent run while you’re at uni having a good time.

Fucking GUILT.

Even then, Telstra’s own Telstra Bigpond broadband service (access the site here) is a joke. If the massive monthly fees didn't kill you (20GB monthly download cap at 8Mbps is worth AU$89.95... you do the math), then the price of buying the modem, installation cost, connection fees (yes, Telstra charges you to self-install your own modem for the price of AU$249 for a wireless router installation – remember the key word here is SELF INSTALLATION!) and other miscellaneous fees will certainly burn a hole in your pocket.

Now I’m not usually a fan of Singapore but I gotta say hey these people have real broadband going. Singapore’s SingTel has 10mbps broadband for only S$68/month, unlimited downloads, free modem. I hear the reliability is not too bad either and of course you’d expect Singaporean companies to have excellent customer service as they always do in their plastic society. Bloody idiots.

Don’t even START with Japan. Bloody Japanese. Because their users are less interested in downloading content from the USA or elsewhere overseas (since most Japanese only read Japanese language and websites are hosted on Japanese servers) so they do not need to pay large amounts for the interconnecting fees to USA based providers, unlike in Australia who is increasingly becoming the United States of the East. This means lower cost for broadband. High population density, large number of users (around 20 million people are connected to broadband) and good infrastructure further drives costs down. Broadband packs from takeaways? Sure. People even give free trials away on the streets!!! Advertisements in subway stations, your local Sushi store... you name it. Broadband is big business.

They have fiber lines of up to 100Mbps starting at about ¥4,500 a month. Although the downside is that this service is limited to larger condos in major cities, it is still VERY affordable. Normal ADSL starts at around ¥3000 a month. Read about their fiber optic lines here or here.

So coming back to the whole issue about broadband availability. 10 years ago it was a luxury to have internet connection slower than 512kbps. Now anything below 2Mbps is a joke.

Webpages are getting more and more pretty (meaning more and more stuff to download so that you can view them), files are getting larger and larger (think HD Porno), things to read online are becoming more and more plentiful; I don't think I'll be able to survive without the internet in any given day because it has become as important to me as going to have a poop every morning. I mean seriously, it's IMPORTANT damnit

SO why shouldn't we, consumers, be ENTITLED to cheap always on fast broadband that does not crash and has good customer service? We are, after all, bloody paying for it.

Bring on the fast broadband, it'll give me orgasms at 10Mbps.

House

2007-06-06T00:12:00.000+10:00

Call me crazy but I've been working for the past 18 hours on a template for the house I'd like to build when I have the money (and the land). Yes I know, I should be studying, but hey, everyone's gotta have a break SOMETIME right??? Although I'm not very good with layouts I think so far it's been quite good.

No, I did not nick it out of some real estate site, no, I didn't use any professional architectural software for the designing, and no, I didn't ask someone to help me do it. I used Adobe Photoshop, plain and simple, and drew each item manually using the line and polygon tools.

So YES. I'm proud of it and I won't be fucked if you're not.

I even measured out the lengths of all the doors, sinks, windows, room measurements, staircase, trees and decks to make sure that they were life-sized. I got a lot of the measurements from actual products, such as doors and sinks you'd be able to buy in Ikea (not that I'd buy Ikea if I could afford to build a house!).

I'm too free already hor?

I estimate the price to be an upwards of AU$1,500,000 in today's currency, not including stamp duty, garden design and appliances (which will, of course, be from SMEG).

Any takers? :)

Oh and there's no driveway because inner city Victorian style houses in Melbourne don't usually have driveways. There's no land for it anyway.

Home

2007-06-05T05:11:00.000+10:00

Yeah. That feeling again. Homesickness.

Celebrity

2007-05-29T04:37:00.000+10:00

I don't usually get light headed, but when I do I need people to prick my head with a really sharp needle so that I will come crashing back to planet Earth. I inflate quite well given circumstances allow it.

I mean its like, I took down my blog for a while to do some adjustments and of course, I don't see the need to inform anybody about my disappearance, or why I'm taking the blog down. But no, within 24 hours of its removal, I received three emails, two messages on my web profile, four SMS, and two MSN messages (one offline message sent at 3.12am) asking me where my blog had went and whether or not I was okay.

Like, these people, avid followers of mine I presume, for some reason, had discovered (within 24 hours) that my blog was missing and sought to find out the reason to this. I must say, I felt flattered, surprised almost, that people would take the time to send me emails/messages to find out if whether or not I’ve fallen off an elephant and died or I just woke up one day and decided that it was time to DELETE the blog.

Ok so I'm getting lame. Who cares. I'm flattered, I really am. Thank you.

But at the same time I realise, I don't want to be a celebrity. I don't want mothers to tell their kids not to read my blog, or teenagers discussing my discourse about anal sex and pornography addiction. I don’t want gay men all over the world reading this blog and then abusing me for the things I say or don’t say. I don't want housewives and salesmen gossiping about what I have to say or the pictures I take on my blog. I don't want to hear about my blog on the radio, or in the newspaper, or the telly. I don't want people promoting my blog for any reason (even if it means more visitors) because I don’t like all the extra attention that advertising brings. I don't want little gay boys to become like me when they grow up just because they were fervent supporters of my literature and looked up to me as their ROLE MODEL.

Ouch. Those two words. Role Model. Very painful.

I don't want to become popular, because this blog really is about me and my sordid life, and making that something popular sometimes can be very disturbing. Look at Anwar Ibrahim and where it got him. Lindsay Lohan. Paris Hilton. Britney Spears. I don't want to end up like them!

Kennysia also experienced this form of celebrity-bashing, and you can read about it here. Just take a look at the number of comments. Past 1000! Shit.

The day my posts become as influential as Kennysia's is the day I will TRULY close this blog, because I know I was not born for stardom and will never be fit to deal with all the bullshit that comes along with being popular. I don't want to be popular, period.

Even if it means I don't get to name a perfume label after me.

Say

2007-05-27T23:01:00.000+10:00

This, the powerful world of the blogosphere, is where one remains untouchable. Not talking about those people in India where they can't get jobs and can't ascend from their status from poverty etc. I mean, you can say what you like and other people who read it can either choose to listen and agree with you or they can get fucked.

You are your own person in the blogosphere. You choose what you want to say and how you want to say it, and nobody, not even the freak who keeps posting anonymous posts on your blog, can tell you what to say. You have the absolute power, more than Kim Jong-Il and Robby Mugabe COMBINED, will ever have.

Which is why I'm going to say what I'm going to say.

~

I FUCKING LOVE TULIPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Haah. What, you thought I was going to say something scandalous? :P

Truth is, I've planted my first set of tulip bulbs. They should bloom in three months.

Is the end of the post?

Duh. I said what I wanted to say already right. Read some more for what.